Just wondering....

lovehedgehogs

Good evening.  Don’t shoot me down!  I wonder what you think. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I’m in my 50s he’s 10 years older.   He lives in my house. I have quite a big mortgage. I have a full time job. He is semi retired lots of health problems. Very healthy pension pot so is able to fully retire if he wishes. We are both divorced. We both have 2 grown up children. I pay all the bills including food and he gives me £100 a week. Recently we had a conversation about updating wills. (Very sensible). I asked him would he like to stay in (my) house until he passes away as this is his home too. He owns his dads house. His dad is 88. He said he would probably go and live with his dad if his dad is still around, if not he would move into the house. I said and what about if anything happens to you. He said phone my daughter she will sort everything. His children and ex wife really really dislike me. I have had a mouthful from said daughter. Obviously I have never met any of his family. I’m not worried. But what has unhinged me - is he actually doesn’t give 2 hoots what happens to me should he pass away. As he gets older, and may have more health problems it has crossed my mind that I may have to look after him - yet he has kept me very very separate from what happens if he passes away and afterwards. He is not going to win any awards for father of the year he left the children when they were very young. He has been self employed for 30 years. He uses his ex wife’s tax code as she is his partner in business on paper only, but he pays her national insurance, she doesn’t work but she will get a state pension albeit she hasn’t contributed. When the self employed got a payout a few weeks ago with the government scheme, they both got about £2000 each - she is a partner on paper only.  So she is looked when she reaches retirement , his children will inherit his 2 houses and healthy pension. So I feel slightly short changed. I have a decent mortgage, good health, no debts, I work hard, but I feel he has half a foot invested in our relationship. If you have got this far - I applaud you!  I might mention he is not registered at (my) house because he is in this partnership he is registered at his ex wife’s house. However I do pay full council tax as he is here 7 nights a week. Any thoughts???  Don’t shoot me down - I didn’t break up some happy family, they divorced 15 years ago. I am not after his money I feel he only has half a foot invested in this relationship. I don’t have savings or much pension, but I keep my head above water. Thank you. 

MovingForwards

What do you get out of this relationship?

pphillips

Ask him if he wants to get married, then you will know for sure how invested he is in the relationship.

lovehedgehogs

MovingForwards said:

What do you get out of this relationship?

I don’t know......this has made me think. Especially with this virus and people dying. Thank you. 

lovehedgehogs

pphillips said:

Ask him if he wants to get married, then you will know for sure how invested he is in the relationship.

Omg. Really? If he said yes that would open up a whole load of problems......I don’t think he would say yes but actually I definitely definitely don’t want to! I just want some recognition as his partner. Thank you for reading though! 

Claddagh_Noir

lovehedgehogs said:

Good evening.  Don’t shoot me down!  I wonder what you think. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I’m in my 50s he’s 10 years older.   He lives in my house. I have quite a big mortgage. I have a full time job. He is semi retired lots of health problems. Very healthy pension pot so is able to fully retire if he wishes. We are both divorced. We both have 2 grown up children. I pay all the bills including food and he gives me £100 a week. Recently we had a conversation about updating wills. (Very sensible). I asked him would he like to stay in (my) house until he passes away as this is his home too. He owns his dads house. His dad is 88. He said he would probably go and live with his dad if his dad is still around, if not he would move into the house. I said and what about if anything happens to you. He said phone my daughter she will sort everything. His children and ex wife really really dislike me. I have had a mouthful from said daughter. Obviously I have never met any of his family. I’m not worried. But what has unhinged me - is he actually doesn’t give 2 hoots what happens to me should he pass away. As he gets older, and may have more health problems it has crossed my mind that I may have to look after him - yet he has kept me very very separate from what happens if he passes away and afterwards. He is not going to win any awards for father of the year he left the children when they were very young. He has been self employed for 30 years. He uses his ex wife’s tax code as she is his partner in business on paper only, but he pays her national insurance, she doesn’t work but she will get a state pension albeit she hasn’t contributed. When the self employed got a payout a few weeks ago with the government scheme, they both got about £2000 each - she is a partner on paper only.  So she is looked when she reaches retirement , his children will inherit his 2 houses and healthy pension. So I feel slightly short changed. I have a decent mortgage, good health, no debts, I work hard, but I feel he has half a foot invested in our relationship. If you have got this far - I applaud you!  I might mention he is not registered at (my) house because he is in this partnership he is registered at his ex wife’s house. However I do pay full council tax as he is here 7 nights a week. Any thoughts???  Don’t shoot me down - I didn’t break up some happy family, they divorced 15 years ago. I am not after his money I feel he only has half a foot invested in this relationship. I don’t have savings or much pension, but I keep my head above water. Thank you. 

 He sounds selfish.  Make sure you protect yourself and your children should the inevitable happen.   

MovingForwards

lovehedgehogs said:

MovingForwards said:

What do you get out of this relationship?

I don’t know......this has made me think. Especially with this virus and people dying. Thank you. 

"actually I definitely definitely don’t want to! "

Speaks volumes doesn't it?

The next question is, do you still want to be with him?

rach_k

I don't think you should separate him not caring what happens to you if he dies from him not being worried what happens if you die first.  If he didn't care what would happen to you but was concerned what would happen to him if you died first, that would be unbalanced, but, as it is, he's just not worried either way.  There's a difference between not caring and not worrying, too.  Are you sure it's that he doesn't give two hoots, or is he just not worried?  You both sound financially independent so it could be argued that you would be fine!

If you're otherwise happy with him, I'd just update both of your wills to ensure that your own children inherit.  I would also assess the situation with bills currently - does his £100 a week cover all of the bills excluding the mortgage?  If not, change it so that he is paying his fair share.

While you're having these discussions, I would bring up the possibility of one of you needing care at some point.  Would he be happy to provide care for you?  If not, does he have the means to pay for his own care?  

lovehedgehogs

Claddagh_Noir said:

lovehedgehogs said:

Good evening.  Don’t shoot me down!  I wonder what you think. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I’m in my 50s he’s 10 years older.   He lives in my house. I have quite a big mortgage. I have a full time job. He is semi retired lots of health problems. Very healthy pension pot so is able to fully retire if he wishes. We are both divorced. We both have 2 grown up children. I pay all the bills including food and he gives me £100 a week. Recently we had a conversation about updating wills. (Very sensible). I asked him would he like to stay in (my) house until he passes away as this is his home too. He owns his dads house. His dad is 88. He said he would probably go and live with his dad if his dad is still around, if not he would move into the house. I said and what about if anything happens to you. He said phone my daughter she will sort everything. His children and ex wife really really dislike me. I have had a mouthful from said daughter. Obviously I have never met any of his family. I’m not worried. But what has unhinged me - is he actually doesn’t give 2 hoots what happens to me should he pass away. As he gets older, and may have more health problems it has crossed my mind that I may have to look after him - yet he has kept me very very separate from what happens if he passes away and afterwards. He is not going to win any awards for father of the year he left the children when they were very young. He has been self employed for 30 years. He uses his ex wife’s tax code as she is his partner in business on paper only, but he pays her national insurance, she doesn’t work but she will get a state pension albeit she hasn’t contributed. When the self employed got a payout a few weeks ago with the government scheme, they both got about £2000 each - she is a partner on paper only.  So she is looked when she reaches retirement , his children will inherit his 2 houses and healthy pension. So I feel slightly short changed. I have a decent mortgage, good health, no debts, I work hard, but I feel he has half a foot invested in our relationship. If you have got this far - I applaud you!  I might mention he is not registered at (my) house because he is in this partnership he is registered at his ex wife’s house. However I do pay full council tax as he is here 7 nights a week. Any thoughts???  Don’t shoot me down - I didn’t break up some happy family, they divorced 15 years ago. I am not after his money I feel he only has half a foot invested in this relationship. I don’t have savings or much pension, but I keep my head above water. Thank you. 

 He sounds selfish.  Make sure you protect yourself and your children should the inevitable happen.   

My brother says exactly the same.......

74jax

What if your children need the money, if something happens you can't foresee and they have the inherited house but can't use it for say 10+ years.
In this instance I think you need to protect your children.  Inheritance isn't a given, but if you do have some to leave at least make sure they can access it.
You can only sort 'you' out. Make sure you are 100% with your will and your choices. 
Why haven't you met his children?  Sorry if it's obvious but I'd have thought you would have seen them at birthdays /Christmas at least once. 

Flugelhorn

I think you need to sort your inheritance out for your children. clear he has other places to go if you died and isn't too bothered about staying or including you in his will 
Does all sound a bit one-sided