Secret half sibling

pickledonionspaceraider

Robisere said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

But it is not your secret to keep....honestly I think it is bad advice to keep skeletons buried in closets .... it'll all come out one day

What makes you so certain that it will "come out one day"? I would rather advise measures that mean a greater number of people do not get hurt. At the moment, the only person who knows about this, is LunaMoon15 and the father who had the affair. The former is going to keep this secret, the latter obviously does not want it known.

Obviously I cannot be certain lol - However, much of the time, these secrets do come out. And then it is far worse, trust is broken, people could be angry that they have not been told, or that they were not 'favourite' enough to be told initially

Dad could have secretly felt guilt all his life and left something in his will. 
It could come out via a single sibling doing an ancestry DNA test, and seeing on their database that there is a relation.
The half sibling may have been told by their Mother, and just show up one day.

It is not OPs secret to keep, by not telling them, she is making a decision for all of them. Acting on behalf of all the family. 
A truth not told, equals a lie. 
To me, it is not a very moralistic course of action to take it upon oneself to make a decision for the rest of the family.

I realise my opinion is not the 'trending' one and I am not trying to upset anyone, however, OP needs to think how other people could react if / when it comes out.

Yes it will cause fall out, undoubtedly.  People will be upset and confused, but this is life - life is not pretty.  But life lived on a lie is worse IMO 

If the Dad dies, and this comes out after his death, this will be FAR worse, as it will have robbed all the siblings of having a chance to ask any questions.  I implore you OP, do not make decisions for other people. 

bouicca21

I know of a case of people who discovered a secret half sibling when said half sibling turned up on the doorstep.  They were devastated to think their much loved and deceased father had abandoned a child.  Fortunately there were others still alive who could fill in the gap, and establish that the child was not abandoned,  in that there had been a custody fight and the mum had cut their dad out in order to create her new airbrushed  ‘perfect’ family.  It would have been so much better all round if the truth had never been hidden. The half sibling had been devastated to discover the truth of her parentage, and her mental health had suffered.  

Mojisola

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Robisere said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

But it is not your secret to keep....honestly I think it is bad advice to keep skeletons buried in closets .... it'll all come out one day

What makes you so certain that it will "come out one day"? I would rather advise measures that mean a greater number of people do not get hurt. At the moment, the only person who knows about this, is LunaMoon15 and the father who had the affair. The former is going to keep this secret, the latter obviously does not want it known.

Obviously I cannot be certain lol - However, much of the time, these secrets do come out. And then it is far worse, trust is broken, people could be angry that they have not been told, or that they were not 'favourite' enough to be told initially

A friend grew up with an older sister only to find out, when she was a pensioner, that her 'sister' was actually her mother when an older relative let it slip.  By then, both her 'sister' and her 'mother' (really her grandmother) had died.

Even though she had had a good relationship with both of them, she was upset for ages as she felt they had lied to her all her life. 

She knew it wasn't necessarily a rational reaction but emotions are rarely rational but can be very painful.

pickledonionspaceraider

Mojisola said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Robisere said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

But it is not your secret to keep....honestly I think it is bad advice to keep skeletons buried in closets .... it'll all come out one day

What makes you so certain that it will "come out one day"? I would rather advise measures that mean a greater number of people do not get hurt. At the moment, the only person who knows about this, is LunaMoon15 and the father who had the affair. The former is going to keep this secret, the latter obviously does not want it known.

Obviously I cannot be certain lol - However, much of the time, these secrets do come out. And then it is far worse, trust is broken, people could be angry that they have not been told, or that they were not 'favourite' enough to be told initially

A friend grew up with an older sister only to find out, when she was a pensioner, that her 'sister' was actually her mother when an older relative let it slip.  By then, both her 'sister' and her 'mother' (really her grandmother) had died.

Even though she had had a good relationship with both of them, she was upset for ages as she felt they had lied to her all her life. 

She knew it wasn't necessarily a rational reaction but emotions are rarely rational but can be very painful.

Oh gosh, that literally is heartbreaking.  She never got the chance to have the conversations she needed to have - ask the questions she needed to ask - because both had unfortunately died.

I can see how something like this might make a person question everything - the loved one they knew, did they ever really know them? No wonder she felt lied to all her life.  It is quite tearjerking

I hope your friend is OK 

LunaMoon15

I understand everyone's point of view on my situation and I can assure you that none of it is upsetting for me to hear. I didn't choose to have this put upon me, but I don't think it's immoral of me to choose not to tell either.
If the half brother was to decide to look for his biological father then that would be different. I have no desire to search for him, but I can't say the same for my siblings if they were to know.
When my Mum told me, I wasn't angry about the fact that I didn't know, that Dad kept this from us. I didn't feel that I had a right to know at all. These things happen, they are a part of life. There could well be other secrets with family members and people have reasons to keep things to themselves, usually to avoid the hurt it may cause. Of course it's best to be open, but life isn't like that,  families aren't always the best place to share, we'll mine isn't anyway. 
We are all very different individuals and our life experiences have made us even more so. Since Mum died I don't have that connection to home as much, my Dad is very difficult to be around. 
So, if it comes out and those around me are angry with me, then surely that's something they will have to deal with. If someone feels that I was the 'favourite' for knowing then that distracts from the actual situation
Chances are very unlikely that the anyone would find out without me saying anything. I don't see that I'm making decisions on behalf of anyone else.
 I don't know the full story, only my Dad does and those involved all those years ago. All Mum said to me was he fathered a child to someone his age when he was 17, their parents wanted them to marry but Dad wouldn't, she moved away and Dad paid maintenance until the boy was 16. They had no contact all this time, as far as my Mum was aware.  She never gave a name of the girl or son. That's it. 

onwards&upwards

Speaking of wills, if your father were to word his will that he leaves his home/money to 'my children' that would put you in the position of knowing about an extra person who is legally entitled to a share. 

I agree that this would be better out in the open.  We're talking more than 50 years ago so the child may even have been adopted, as was often the case with teenage mothers back then. 

TripleH

I can't and feel I am not in the position to offer advice, but will say that one holiday after getting them drunk, I found out a family member wasn't the son of the person we thought was his father. 
He is of an age now where sadly his mother has long departed and sister passed away a couple of years ago.
He did meet his 'biological father' and lived nearby without ever knowing who he was. My relative is curious to know more about where he came from but I think at this point there is no intention to turn up at a long lost siblings house without warning.

pickledonionspaceraider

LunaMoon15 said:

. I don't see that I'm making decisions on behalf of anyone else.

I get what you are saying, I mean it is a painful situation for you too.  No one walks away from these things unscathed.
However the above IMO is not true.  You are not giving them the information to make up their own minds - removing their choice IS your choice. You have that choice, but they don't.

In all honesty, it seems you have already made your mind up on this, regardless.

Anyway I have made my point, albeit not what you want to hear I know, and like you said you and your siblings are different so they may not feel how you feel. I do realise this is a painful situation for you, and genuinely wanted to give you the viewpoint of another person - after all we are all different in how we view things.

I wish you luck.

seven-day-weekend

I think you should tell your siblings.  What they then decide to do with the information is up to them.

Everyone has said that the half-sibling may not know, may have a loved stepfather etc - but they might not.  They might know all about it and be wondering if they have half-siblings.   I think at least it should be all out in the open and then a sensible decision can be made.
I speak as a (happily) adopted person who found my birth mother in 2012.  Even though my adoption was happy, it is good to know your roots and where you come from.The half sibling may also want the chance to know this. )I see my mother regularly (or did, until the lockdown, she is 93. I'm glad I gave us both the chance).

LondonLiz

I've had a very similar situation. I am in favour of talking to your Dad no matter how hard.  It must be done gently and as non-judgmentally as possible though. 

My story is this:

My much older half-siblings always thought there was another sibling younger than them/older than me who'd been adopted out by my mother. When in my 20's I decided to ask her outright and after much drama, lying and evasiveness she admitted she'd had a daughter she adopted out who was the result of an affair (which led to her divorce from my elder siblings father in the late 1950's).   My mother said that the adopted-sister (I shall call her 1AS) had actually contacted her a few years before and they even met once but my mother made her promise not to contact her other children.  My mother was very upset I'd found out and made me promise not to tell my other siblings so I lied and said I wouldn't, rather than tell her they already knew.  None of them were interested in tracing AS1 but in my 30's I decided I wanted to find her so I tracked her down - without telling my mother.  AS1 was really pleased as she'd always wondered about us and especially who her father might be, as Mum wouldn't tell her anything about him.  Unfortunately none of my older siblings knew anything and mum had also refused to tell me either, and AS1 and I definitely don't share a father. I have since met her a few times - we've not stayed in touch much as we don't share the same values or ways of seeing the world due our very different upbringings and personalities,  but we both thought it helped to have done so and especially for her as an adopted child to meet a blood sibling really mattered. 

Then a few years ago, a second person contacted me saying they thought I was their half sister.   That was a bit of a shock but it turned out to be true! I told my other siblings who all took it pretty well.     By the time 2nd adopted sister (2AS) came along it was too late to talk to mum about it as she was in the late stages of dementia but AS2 had worked out who her birth father was too (it's not certain but highly likely).  He'd died many years ago as had his wife but 2AS then got in touch with one of his daughters.  I felt quite uncomfortable with that (it was some family information I'd given her that helped her find his name) as I felt his other children (who I'd met when I was a child) might be really upset to find out their father had another secret child but it turned out they also already knew and so had their mum, & they were glad to meet her. Of course it could have gone the other way.  2AS and one of the daughters are actually quite close friends now but after one meeting she & I have not stayed in touch as we also just don't have a lot in common.  As I have found, being related is not enough for an ongoing relationship. 

With modern DNA tracing and genealogy databases now, finding parents, siblings and other relatives is getting easier all the time.  I'm much rather find out about a secret sibling by someone contacting me by email or a Facebook message than via a random database hit.  You don't have to have uploaded your own DNA for a match to be found, it might be a cousin or other family member that then leads to you.  Overall I am glad I met both these sisters and it was another piece of the jigsaw in understanding my mother's life and how that therefore affected my upbringing and our relationship.