Secret half sibling

LunaMoon15

Hi, some years ago my mum told my dad had a child with someone when he was 17, he didn't want anything to do with the child or the child's mother. My dad doesn't know that I know and mum told me not to tell anyone my other siblings. Mum is no longer with us and ever since she died I have thought about the situation a lot.  I don't know whether my dad will ever open up about it. I don't know if I should ask him, or confide in one of my brothers. I feel like I'm burdened with it. Any advice is appreciated. 

Robisere

The way you describe your dad's feelings and attitude to his previous relationship and his daughter, points to his probable reaction if you ask him about it. Speak to your most trusted brother, the one you are closest to, as a 'sounding board'. Then you may not be the only one "burdened with it." His reaction will tell you what to do: if he is angry, do not approach your dad. If he is interested, then see what he thinks about telling the other sibling(s). If you all then feel you want to know who your half sister might be, then you might be able to take it to your dad.

Whatever you do, you have to be careful. Just think about the half-sister for a moment - what might her reaction be, faced with a situation she might know nothing about? Maybe she knows someone else as dad, and always has. She may be in a stable family relationship, that could be affected in a bad way by being suddenly faced with a whole different scenario.

This is a more sensitive situation than you have realised. There are other people's lives other than your own, that could be affected. Don't just think about your own feelings. My advice would be to think about all that I have said, then let things stand as they are.

LunaMoon15

Thanks for replying. I do know that they are my half brother, 9 years older than me. I have given considerable thought to all angles, the fact he will more than likely have his own family now and may even  be totally unaware of the situation. I've wondered what kind of life he has had as a child and now. 
I really don't know why mum had to tell me, but she felt the need to share this with me.
I think from what you have said, it may be best to sit on this again for a while. Dad is on his 70s now, he is not one for talking about personal things or showing emotions. So, I doubt he'll ever want to tell us himself. I don't think I could forgive myself if I opened a can of worms and hurt people, I guess it's not always best to get the truth out? 

Fireflyaway

It's unfair that you are carrying this secret but I can see why your mum wanted to offload it.  If it were me, I just couldn't keep it quiet, id have to tell my dad I know and also tell my siblings. Not in an aggressive or accusatory way but just mention you are aware. No persons existence should be kept a secret. The half sibling is not at fault. He may not want to build a relationship with you but I believe everyone has a right to know who their parents are and if they have siblings. I agree with Robisere that the situation could be really sensitive if your half sibling is unaware of his father's identity. However your dad was just 17 at the time, pretty much a child himself. It would have been hard for him to be a father at that age and at a time when It was far less acceptable. My dad found out he had a secret half sibling. He was always led to believe it was his uncle but actually his mum had a child very young out of wedlock and kept it secret from most of the family including my dad. However my dad later found out that his sister's knew all along. That really upset him that there was so much secrecy and because by that point his mum had passed away, he had no opportunity to ask any questions. You are not doing anything wrong by letting people know the truth. It might be upsetting but I'd rather know the truth.

pickledonionspaceraider

I think that the whole thing has been handled badly up to now, but now you know- you could change that
It was wrong of your Mother to tell just you, and no one else. 

I am like Fireflyaway - I would have to bring it all out - but like they say, not in an argumentative way...and I agree you would not be doing anything wrong in telling people the truth

The truth will set you free.  I really think secrets in families are a no no.  

I have got to say though, if I were your sibling, and you told me - my gut reaction would be that you had known this for years, and not said anything and that would make me loose trust a bit, and feel shut out. (Sorry I am not accusing you of anything, just being honest) so prepare yourself for that.  That would be my gut reaction.  Also I would feel betrayed that Mother had not told me, and Father had not told any of us - it would definitely make me see you and my parents in a different light, as none of you would be the persons I thought you were.  That being said though, I would want to know

I really think you need to speak to your siblings and Father.  Don't leave it until it is too late.

NeilCr

Robisere gave good advice

I do have a slightly similar situation.I have no siblings and my parents are now long dead. So, can't comment on the keeping the secret issue

My mum told me a long while ago that I had a half sister. My parents had an open relationship and my dad had an affair with someone which resulted in a child. I could, probably, find her if I tried (I know the mother's name and location, but it has never crossed my mind to do so. She has her own life - almost certainly no knowledge of me and, frankly, what good would it do.

LunaMoon15

Thank you all for your advice. There is a lot to consider and right now I feel it's probably not the right time to let this all come out. I live quite a distance away from where my dad and brothers live, so it's not something I can do over the phone and wouldn't dream of doing so anyway.
I have never had a good relationship with my dad, it is better since mum died but he's argumentative and we clash on many things. He's the only person I know who I argue with. So I'm not sure how our relationship would be if I were to let him know that I know, that mum told me. He'd probably feel betrayed by her, I think he is quite envious that me and mum had a healthy loving bond.
Looks like I'll be sitting on this for some time, what people don't know can't hurt them. 

Robisere

NeilCr is right. This has raised some old memories for me.

I had two brothers, both much older than me. One passed away in 1988, the other is very ill at 90 and not expected to live much longer. So I was practically an only child myself, as they had both married and left home by the time I was 5. I know that my eldest brother had an affair and a child with a younger girl, when he had been married a few years and had two boys. The girl left the area with her baby and my brother spent a lot of years trying to find her, which caused trouble in the family. The youngest boy was close to his mum and to myself, and his mum told him about the fact that he had a half sister somewhere. As he grew older, he began to wonder and wanted to find her, so he sat down with me one day and asked if should ask his dad about her. I knew my brother very well, despite the years between us: his boys were more like kid brothers to me and I spent a lot of time at their house, growing up. I told my nephew I needed time to think about it, which is always my reaction to a serious life event.

Having thought, and considered how my brother would take such a question, I explained to my nephew that his dad had tried hard to find the child himself, but gave up in the end because it was breaking his heart. It would only cause his dad more pain to bring it all up again, and what about the child, now a woman? Her mum may have remarried, the girl may have a stepdad that she sees as dad, might have siblings that she believes are full blood siblings. My nephew was always thoughtful and sensible and he saw the point: it could do more harm than good.

Both my nephews and their parents passed away some years ago and I hope I can bury these memories. I hope the above helps you to make up your mind, but all life stories and all lives are different. Maybe some day your half-sibling will come looking for you and your family, who knows? IN 75 years I have learned that life can take some unpredictable paths.

LunaMoon15

Thank you Robisere, some very wise words there. I think you are right. The ripple effect could be far reaching. This isn't just about one person with respect to the half sibling, it's also about his other family, wife, children and grandchildren etc.
This secret is something I shall continue to keep with me for the time being, maybe forever. 

pickledonionspaceraider

But it is not your secret to keep....honestly I think it is bad advice to keep skeletons buried in closets .... it'll all come out one day

Robisere

pickledonionspaceraider said:

But it is not your secret to keep....honestly I think it is bad advice to keep skeletons buried in closets .... it'll all come out one day

What makes you so certain that it will "come out one day"? I would rather advise measures that mean a greater number of people do not get hurt. At the moment, the only person who knows about this, is LunaMoon15 and the father who had the affair. The former is going to keep this secret, the latter obviously does not want it known.