It's time to begin.....

backinbusiness

Hello - not long now, however I too worry about his reaction.  Would you consider having a third-party present?  A trusted friend?  Good luck with it all.  BiB x

GeorgianaCavendish

Not long to go now … but another one here suggesting that you have someone else there when you tell him. Maybe in a different room in the house if you need privacy or at least waiting outside. 

Remember on the day you tell him, you don’t owe him a sit down and (yet another) long conversation about his feelings. I would break the news, leave immediately, and then handle all future communication at arms length - any sit downs with other people present or in public places. 

Maybe even write a letter about the practicalities and leave that behind after you’ve told him the news. He can read and digest that in his own time, and you can then just hang up the phone if he starts ranting at you. There are things that you’ll need to sort out eventually but you don’t owe this man the monopoly on your time any more. 

evebeme

Good advice from all. We who have been there know what can happen when control is taken away from a controlling man. Be safe. Eve

CRANKY40

I was going to say similar to above - take someone with you to come and fetch you if you're not out in a certain time and make sure that all doors are unlocked before you tell him so that if he tries to block one exit you have another escape route. Your freedom is in sight now which hopefully will make a weekend with his parents just about bearable (it'll be the last one that you have to do for ever, yay).

Humdinger1

Yes, we're all rooting for you @Kakiste; know you have a wonderful life ahead...but are concerned that you protect yourself too.  I have to admit, I do check quite obsessively for your updates.  Do you think he has an inkling? You get on well with his family I think; they know what he's like, no? Love Humdinger xx 

Kakiste

To answer a few questions- I won't have house internet for a few weeks after moving into the cottage but I will have phone data and access at work throughout. I don't want anyone to worry so I will post an update here ASAP afterwards. 

I'll honestly be very careful- I've read loads on coercive control and emotional abuse across the last few years and I am clued up. It's not worth sticking out the past ridiculous amount of years so I can leave in the best possible way; only to have it go wrong at the end. 

My daughter won't be in the house, I will have people on standby and multiple exit routes planned but I'm going to carefully guide it conversationally through (in a short none dragged out way) as me having reflected on his multiple rants, and I've come to realise that his idea of divorcing is what's best for everyone, that I'm not good enough to meet his standards, that he'll be much better off without me and free to pursue all the women who are making play at him and that I'm dragging him down and so with great sadness I am choosing to follow his advice. 

I don't really care about making my actual points or making him realise what a berk he is, it's not really to anyone's benefit to do that. What I am now aiming for is a calm(ish) end to the marriage and as good as amicable terms that I can get to co-parent on. (I'm expecting bitter and snide comments but I can easily cope with that) 

In exciting news my daughter's bedroom and the bathroom in the cottage are being painted next week- they've bought all the paint- been sent a picture by work friend. 

bellevie

Does the friend minding your daughter know of your plan? I imagine she'll expect you by a certain time and know to call for help if something doesn't go to plan. 

Just be prepared for the war of words that may follow whilst he continues to process it all. In the event he threatens anything of the sort  even if you dont think he will follow through keep evidence and report it. He might become very unpredictable when he realises even days, weeks, months down the line that you are not coming back.

 My ex had a delayed reaction but hounded me for 2 years, I'd only get a few months respite when he met someone new.  Wound up leaving the area severing any links he knew of  with a lifetime injunction against him. Most of my evidence was messages, voicemails, crime reference numbers.

I hope it will go as planned, it sounds like you have a lot of people looking out for you, a great support network.


You deserve your fresh, peaceful, exciting new chapter!

Kakiste

Yes she does. Also lift share work friend has the instruction that on the day if I message or interact with them them any platform at all- innocuous comment about work, a random letter or a picture they're to call the police and send them straight to my address. That way I can randomly send them anything. 

I am going to keep all subsequent messages and log interactions so if I need evidence I've got it. 

[Deleted User]

Your situation is very similar to mine in terms of who I was married to and their personality. When I told my husband I was leaving, I sat him down and told him that I desperately wanted him to be happy and that I knew that I didn't make him happy and so was leaving so that he could have that chance to find his happiness. I cried to make myself look like I had been left with no option but inside I just wanted rid of him. He took it really badly but I think his overriding emotion was shock. Good luck. You're going to be so much happier when this hurdle is jumped.  

badmemory

You are both so much braver than me.  I left 50 years ago this week.  I'd been moving stuff out for a couple of weeks but I took the day off work & just left.  I rang him & asked him to get a lift home with a neighbour, left the car at home for him & I was gone.