Third Time’s The Charm

enthusiasticsaver

I am so sorry that you are being put under pressure but kudos to you for resisting and trying to explain why to your OH.  He sounds so unsupportive and completely non money savvy to suggest adding unsecured debt to your mortgage especially if he does not even pay towards the mortgage.  I am not sure how old you or your husband are but are you near retirement and can you discuss finances as part of your overall financial goals? It is ridiculous for him to suggest you getting a loan for another car when you have not even paid off your existing one. 


I would imagine part of the reason for the tears and you getting emotional is down to frustration at your situation, quite understandably.  I am not really sure how your OH can justify not contributing to bills or groceries and that would make me angry.  He sounds like a complete scrounger. Stick to your guns.  You have a goal to get rid of your debt and will have the satisfaction of doing it completely on your own.  New tyres will cost you a lot less than a new car. Your OH has a car doesn't he?  Why don't you use his? 

Narola1976

Thank you all for listening and taking the time to respond. Things have gone quiet again and not sure if he got the message.  Either way I am not budging. Yes I will eventually get rid of the car as I do not think it is a good car, although very popular, I wish I had not bought it. But I will get rid of it only once I have paid off the loan, saved a very good deposit which will top up whatever I can get in part exchange and then I will buy a car cash. That will take a few years but so be it. DD is learning to drive, but we will share my car as we both don’t need one. 

My OH is definitely not money savvy in terms of the more nuanced issues. Of course, he has a good understanding of credit card debt and how it takes donkey years to pay that off because of the interest and loves to bring this up from time to time to throw my debt in my face. That’s why I can never tell him just how much I owe. I really don’t need my nose rubbed into it. I know very well what an idiot I have been. We have many working years ahead of us, at least 22 years for me. My pension is dismal and I intend to work on this when my debt has been paid. We have very little finance discussions and partly that is my fault because any finance discussion comes round to my debt and I just want to avoid this. I cannot wait for the day when I am debt free so I can be more open. I don’t know much about his personal finances, I know he is very good at not spending any money so I have no doubt he has quite a bit in savings. And if the washing machine broke tomorrow, he would as he has done in the past, replace this. I know he earns less than me and I would not expect him to pay half the bills. I would settle for a quarter of the bills money provided it was a steady and reliable amount each month.

Yesterday he asked me what I was getting DD for her 18th birthday and I said she wanted earphones from that very expensive fruit company. We tried the cheaper earphones in the past and they didn’t work for very long so I want to get this for her. I have been saving up over the last few months so that I did not use the Argos card to get it. Yes I could get it on an interest free plan, but to me that is debt, and I am no longer in the business of making debt. Besides if I buy it cash I will get a staff discount thanks to DD so I will be saving money. Anyway, I told him how much they cost and he gave me £150 towards them. So I am pleased as it means I can also get her a cake and maybe we can have a takeaway as a birthday treat. 

On the debt front it is slow going, waiting for the various statements to be posted so I can add the interest and new minimums to the snowball. All priority bills are paid and just the last 2 or 3 bills to go out now. I am in the process of claiming tax relief but hit a snag on one of the questions around home working. They want to know how much I am claiming but I have no idea, I just want whatever flat amount I can claim. But not sure what that is, so I will give them a call at 9. Let’s hope I am not in a queue for ages...

Right off for a spot of breakfast. Have a good day all

enthusiasticsaver

You seem to be beating yourself up a lot over this debt whereas I would view your OH as being complicit from not paying his way and making you responsible for all household finances when you cannot afford it.  He has no grounds for calling you an idiot when are paying his living expenses as well as your own. You say you earn more than him but don't know anything about his finances and he knows nothing about your debt.  That is not really a healthy way to deal with household finances where nothing is open because you have no shared financial goals.  So he presumably has savings and could save you a packet due to you paying high interest rates and the debt was incurred because he saves his money rather than help towards household bills.  Are you married? 

I am glad he has stopped pestering you about the car but I just think this debt could be better dealt with if you and your OH worked as a team. I think there is a flat amount you can claim for home working but not sure what it is.  Hopefully you will get an answer without having to sit on the phone for ages. 

crazy_cat_lady

Hey Narola  
Thought I'd pop by and have a look through your diary. I know I don't know you, or your situation but reading through it I do feel as though you and I could almost be the same person. The best thing I ever did was boot my ex out and then take him to court - yes it was hard, and you know how expensive it was for me, but genuinely my life feels so much better without him in it. Not that I'm suggesting that you get rid - I don't know your situation as I say, but I do know that something will give sooner or later - try and make sure that it's not your own mental health.
I have bookmarked so I will be lurking on here and sticking my two pennorth in from time to time  
I think that you're doing amazingly well tackling your debt. It's hard enough when you are supported through it. We'll help you and cheer you along the way.

Baileys_Babe

@Narola1976 you have not been an idiot, you have supported your own household as well as contributing to your wider family whilst your husband hasn't contributed. We can all save money if somebody else pays for everything. I wish I knew you IRL so I could help you see how fantastic you are.

Your car plan sounds sensible. Just think how good you will feel in the future when you buy the next car with cash

Please take care of yourself and know we are cheering you on.

Narola1976

Hello, I am so grateful for all your many kind words that its tearing me up. People who don’t even know me taking an interest. I don’t have many people IRL I can speak to as its rather humiliating to say it out loud and I don’t want to everyone to know my business. Just to say enthusiasticsaver my OH has never called me an idiot, he may think it (?) but never says nasty things, which is something I guess. Its rather my own view of my actions which makes me feel like an idiot. I don’t want to sound like a martyr because that’s also not true. Much of my debt came about from buying things I didn’t need but wanted, buying because I was unhappy, having very expensive tastes at times, giving my daughter as much as I could even when I couldn’t afford it  as I did not want her to feel left out from her more affluent peers etc. So a combination of things really. But yes, if I had had financial support maybe I would have had the cash to buy some of the things I wanted. I know our marriage is a mess and not the way its supposed to be. We should be working towards financial goals together but we are never in sync, not about money or most anything really. But for the moment I am not willing to do anything drastic. It’s been this way for nearly 2 decades and any big changes will not make my life easier right now. I have this 5 year plan to get out of debt and if I am lucky finish the mortgage around about the same time. My daughter will hopefully have gone to uni, and come out with a qualification that can get her into a decent job and become independent. Then my time will come. In the meantime I going to work my socks off, cheer others on as well as myself and keep coming here to get good advice and support others too. In giving we also receive. 

I have not yet called HMRC as I had to go into a meeting which took 2 hours. I have prepared the chicken for supper, crumbed chicken with firecracker basmati rice. Hope it tastes as good as it sounds as I am a terrible cook. 

Once again, thank you @crazy_cat_lady, @enthusiasticsaver and @Baileys_Babe

enthusiasticsaver

One of Martin Lewis's emails this week is about claiming the work from home allowance through your tax allowance which is £6 per week and can be claimed through the HM government gateway.  Alternatively you can receive this from your employer tax free (but obviously not both).  
https://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2020/04/martin-lewis--working-from-home-due-to-coronavirus--claim-p6-wk-/?_ga=2.164732287.1315039919.1590790952-274789132.1495204711

Although it says due to coronavirus I think the allowance has been in existence since 2016 so you might be able to backdate any claim. 

I am sorry you and your OH are not on the same page (financially or otherwise) but you are doing the best you can to sort your finances out so best you just focus on what you can control and are willing to do at this particular time.  You seem to know what put you into debt so have you put things in place to stop you falling back into bad habits once life is more normal again? 

It will be a wonderful feeling once the mortgage and debt has gone and I would strongly urge you to look at your pension asap and get an idea of what you will receive and how to maximise the benefits. Even small increases can make a massive difference although I think you should sort out the expensive debt first.  After that though prioritising your pension over your mortgage or savings  may be best given low interest rates. 

Moneywhizz

Under the circumstances I think you are doing very well and on course to turn round this debt that you find yourself in, regardless of how you got here.  I am glad you are sticking to your guns about the car and have a plan in place to replace it when you think it is the right time without getting into any more debt. 
As for your marriage only you know what is best and when it is time to make changes. It seems unfair to us looking in and thinking that your debt fee journey is being hampered by having to provide for your husband but we are not the ones living your life. I would just be making sure that you pay the minimum towards anything that directly benefits him, and take care of you and your daughter's needs above all else. 

Moneywhizz

Missing your updates. Hope all is well with you. 

Narola1976

Hi @Moneywhizz thanks very much for your concern and to bailey’s babe and robin09 for stopping by. I am fine thanks. I haven’t been posting on my diary as not an awful lot to say at the moment but I have been keeping active on other threads. I then think it’s not worth me adding my mutterings a second time on my diary as people may find that quite boring. I haven’t quite mastered the art of being entertaining and having interesting things to say lol. I did promise myself to always come onto the site as that keeps me on the straight and narrow. So I read posts and contribute where I can. 

Finances are ticking along rather well. It’s quite boring once the bills have been paid and there is nothing major going on. I am lucky that even though I have massive debt which takes a huge chunk of my salary I have enough money to cover the bills. I know there are others less fortunate. I am waiting rather impatiently for the last of interest charges to be applied so I can do the figures to reflect how much has come off the debt total. I shall of course report here.  I am hoping that by December Barclays might offer me a transfer deal. I know they are quite risk averse at the moment and I need to put more work in. I am looking forward to the end of the month when I pay my second small debt off completely. Once that is done, I can focus on the big ones. My DFD is 4 years 5 months away. I would love to shorten that as much as possible but appreciate this is a marathon not a sprint. 

Anyway I will try to do better at updating the diary even if it’s just to let people know I am still here and still focused. My microwave started giving me trouble and instead of buying a new one I got one from Freecycle. I have been blessed with various things from Freecycle over the years and think it’s a wonderful way of helping others. I am grateful for the help I received.

DD went out today into town and was shocked to see how very few people were observing social distancing and how they were not wiping down the plastic handles of the baskets in Pr1mark. She was making comparisons about what they do in the store she works in, you know the one that has a friend called John, and she thoroughly regretted venturing out in the first place. I have decided to stick to venturing out once weekly for the food shop only for the time being. 

I must announce I have just finished making a seafood paella. Now as you all know I cannot cook, but I had some left over seafood mix from my pre LBM days so decided to have a go. I fried the seafood, added frozen sliced peppers, sweet corn, chillies and peas. When this was cooked I added boiled rice that I had cooked separately and mixed it all through. I added spice for rice which is a lovely spice from my homeland ( you can find on the world foods aisle from the Rain Forest Company) and voila - my version of seafood paella. DD really enjoyed it. OH has decided to intermittent fast this evening so his share will be saved for lunch tomorrow. I don’t eat seafood, which is strange as I am from a coastal town, but it’s ok as I had a big lunch, left over lasagne which was nice. I am trying to finish off the high carb food which I shan’t be replacing. I have been doing my inventory and meal planning using what I have and trying to only shop what I need. While I have exceeded the budget I covered overspend with my survey income. OH also gave me £100 unasked to get more grocery stuff at C*stco. So I was pleased with that. Maybe it’s finally sinking in...who knows lol. 

My body is full of aches and pains as I was gifted two chunky bedside cabinets and I carried them up the stairs, and then spent ages trying to get the drawers back in. I had to get down on the floor which is fine, but not so easy getting up again 😂 I have placed an Ikea table top over them to create my own version of a dressing table. Really pleased with it. It does not look pretty but very functional which is all that matters at the moment. 

Well that’s it for now. Off for a lovely hot shower and then my bed. I don’t sleep well so I tend to go to bed early and then my mind wakes up at silly o’clock even if my body does not agree. Take care and speak soon

Narola