Hiding my debt from my wife 12 May 2020 at 8:54PM in Debt free diaries 29 replies 2.6K views

Omalad2020

Hi,

I really dont know what to do, im in debt and my wife doesnt know.

I have a loan with tesco totaling around £12000, a loan with nationwide of about £8000, a credit card with £1200 and another HSBC which i did as a balance transfer which is about £1000.

Its all consuming at the minute and I am at my lowest point and dont know what to do.

We have a wonderful life with a beautiful son and im so ashamed for having gotten myself into this situation.

Im the sort of person that i dont want my wife to know for id be afraid that this would destroy her trust in me. 

Please please help because i cant take this shame anymore . The way i think at the moment that if something were to happen to my at least my life insurence would cover my debt and at least my wife would be free without my lies and debt.

laurarutter89

Hello Omalad2020, 

Firstly I can completely understand your position, I kept my debt from my now husband in the early days of our relationship and it is really tough. 
It caused issues when saving for our house, and wedding as I could not save as much as he could.

Setting up this diary is a great starting point, you will get heaps of support and advice. 
Also reading other peoples diaries are great for ideas. 

It is always good to do a full breakdown of your incomings and outgoings to see if there are any areas at all you can cut back on to make further payments to your debt. 

Pick the most expensive debt first in terms of interest and work on that one first, any kind of overpayments to that will help. 
If your credit cards are 0% then start with over payment the highest interest loan first, if the credit cards are not 0% try and balance transfer if you can. 

You are not alone, and you will get the debt paid off it just takes time

enthusiasticsaver

 Many people have got into the same position and there should be no shame. I personally would tell your wife as sorting this together is much easier than keeping it secret.
Do you know how you got so heavily in debt? Is it large items bought or just general overspending over a period of time and debt consolidation loans? If you have a child this is often a crunch point in finances as there is often a reduction in income during maternity leave then reduced pay or expensive childcare. If this was the case this is not just down to you but also your wife to sort it out.

The only way way to get out of debt is to budget and stick to it. 

Socajam

I can say that your wife would rather have you and your debts than your insurance money.
Of course she is going to be mad and maybe for a long time, but you have to some clean and suffer her being extremely angry with you.
But at least you will gotten this off your chest and into the open.  Write down all the figures, the % rate and how much is due each month.  Then tell your wife that you have you would like to speak to her. 
Before starting explain how disappointed you are for deceiving her and that you fully accept responsibility for your actions and for her behaviour towards you afterward, but all of the secrecy is weighing you down and taking you to a place where you really do not want to go.  Ask her to please listen to you without any interruptions so that you can lay it all out.  Once you have finished speaking, then its your turn to listen to her response.
This is really a bad time to drop this on her, but when it is ever a good time.
Going forward she may decide to take control of all the finances until the debt is repaid, (she may give you an allowance to live on).
I wish you the best, just bear in mind that this is not the end of the world - people are going through far worse than this.

SuperSavingD

You’ve made the first step by acknowledging your debt.  If you was my husband I’d rather you share the problem with me so we could sort it out together, I’m sure your wife your prefer the same.  After you tell her to can make plans and SOA together, best she knows because then you can both watch spending and cut back together.  You would be surprised how many people in the UK are in debt, me included but acknowledging it has been a break through for us and will help you feel more relaxed knowing that your not going to increase it further.  You can do this and clear it once and for all.  Hope this helps.

[Deleted User]

Omalad2020 

Please please help because i cant take this shame anymore . The way i think at the moment that if something were to happen to my at least my life insurence would cover my debt and at least my wife would be free without my lies and debt.

Please don't do that, everything is solve able.
If you can see if you can catch Cold Call (on tv about 6 months ago) if nothing else for episode 1 the Mum (after her Daughter was scammed) took her life thinking insurance would pay out but for suicide it doesn't.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-reviews/channel-5s-gripping-cold-call-20944883

IrishSean

OP post up a SOA

Everything is solvable, there are thousands of pages here that testify to that.

Everyone has a 1st step be it on the forum, talking to a friend or a debt counselling charity.

Focus on the advice; once you see a plan forward your fears, guilt, worries will easy.

Plz keep in touch with regular posts
😀💪

AnxiousTheElephant

Definitely tell her!! There was times in my previous relationship were I would rely heavily on my ex financially and he would pay for anything we did I was focused on my own debt. Little did I know he had debts worse than me and I was making them worse!! Had I know we both could have cut back

SuperSavingD

Hi Omalad 2020
Just checking in to see if your ok? 

IrishSean

Please post again, OP, just so that forum knows you are OK

👍😃

shoppingobsessed2020

Checking in to see how you are doing?