Hiding my debt from my wife

Omalad2020

Hi Guys,

Thank you all so much for your help and advice.

I am still having alot of sleepless nights but knowing that im not alone helps.

Im still unsure as what to do because my wife and i are getting on so well im so so scared that this will change everything. 

I just dont know.....

IrishSean

Great to hear from you; ppl worry when they see posts like your OP then thread goes quiet.
Maybe talk to a friend, your GP (not ideal times, I know) as well as a free debt counsellor. It has to be a very common issue, spouses and partners not knowing. It's worthing taking all the advice on offer here.
All I can offer is there's no such thing as an unmanageable debt or money problem; there's always a solution, even if we don't feel it's the one we'd want. 
Most ppl are also a lot more caring and empathetic when they know the turmoil those of us with debt worries have been going through. I think broaching the topic with some likely debt solutions already worked out helps.
GL & keep posting.

WhySeaEm

Hello omalad. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so desperate.

The people on this forum CAN help you. I know it. Go to: https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php and do a SOA. Put it here and people will help. 
You can do this!!

laurarutter89

Omalad2020 said

Im still unsure as what to do because my wife and i are getting on so well im so so scared that this will change everything. 

I just dont know.....

My advice would be do not do anything until you are ready, setting up this diary and sharing your worries with others in a similar position in terms of debt worries is already a huge step in the right direction.

We are all here to help, and offer help/advice where we can from our own debt struggles. 

Tell your our wife when you are ready too, although I am sure that she would rather help and support you in this than know you are feeling this way. 

Omalad2020

So ive finally got around to writing down my monthly out goings:
My total montly pay after tax: £1707.24
Nationwide creditcard: £40 p/m with a balance of £1040
HSBC credit: £52 with a balance of £1100
Nationwide loan: £179.63 with a balance of £7900
Tesco loan: £197.75 with a balance of £11500
Car Insurence: £53.22
Mortgage, gas, car repayments etc: £600
Phone: £35.79
Spotify: £9.99
Pet insurence: £16.69
Childcare: £200 p/m (can change)
Groceries: £250 p/m (can change)
Netflix: £8.99
Petrol: £60 p/m (can change)

Brings my total outgoings to £1704.24 a month.
Ive never listed everything down before and now im totally terrified. I cant believe the mess that i have got myself into. Its all i think about from morning to night now and im getting so tired trying to put on a face. Its mentally exhausting. Im just so fed up......

curlytop12

well done on getting that down on paper, it takes a while to get the courage to do it! good news is you aren't in deficit
can you cancel netflix and spotify?
look to reduce mobile bill? actually, all bills..
check insurance is cheapest you can get (use a cashback site too)
what does your wife contribute?
list all APRs of debts.
it would be clearer, and so easier to get help, if you could complete the below, with both you and wifes ins and outs on it please, format for MSE and we will be back !
https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

findingthisdifficult

@Omalad2020 you got this, the first step to admitting there is a problem is often the biggest and you've done that so well done.

I agree about providing a full SOA taking in to account your wife's contributions as well.  

Your wife may have noticed that you're not yourself, she could already be concerned about you but is unsure about asking you.  I generally know when there is something up with my husband, even more so during lockdown life as we're with each other a lot of the time.  If you're not ready to talk to your wife, keep posting here and maybe speak to a debt charity - you're bound to get loads of really good advice.

Kakiste

I ran up almost double the amount of debt you have without my husband knowing. My husband had thought I was having an affair as I was being edgy and secretive (around my phone and the post coming- I was just freaking out about creditors contacting)
He found out by accident and we spend a couple of days with him shouting/ignoring me. It wasn't pleasant however his big overarching thing was 'why didn't you tell me? We could have sorted it out together much sooner' 
Together in the last 15 months we've repaid £15,000 and our relationship is much better than it was as there is no longer any big terrible secret. 
Can't promise you it would be the same but I just wanted to give you an anecdote where it all worked out  

tjp70

Hi Omalad. 

Just checking you are okay? 

LadyGnome

Hope you are ok. 

How did the debts build up in the first place?
Can you reduce bills?  Is there stuff you can sell that you don’t use anymore?
Does your wife have an income?  Are you entitled to any benefits?
Don’t underestimate the positive effect even small changes can make.