Hiding my debt from my wife

IrishSean

Hey Omalad

Great you've posted up your loan / cc's etc.
I've done a lot of rebuilding without my wife knowing; I actually think when I outline the savings we'll have around the time of her 50th she'll be shocked. She did find out years ago (a statement arrived when my car had broken down, it had thousands of pounds of gambling transactions; that was grim but we worked through it. I've had to rebuild several times since as I didn't want her to feel i'd let her down.

In short, most ppl who love us will support us; that aside many on these forums get out of debt by persevering themselves. What's important is here is a safe place to lay it all out; starting with your SOA on lemonfool.

You'll get nothing but good advice and support on this forum. Sometimes its in the form of tough love 'no, you can't afford that' or 'shift that to 0%; you've an offer there, c'mon!' It's all to gee us up to achieve the goal which is being debt free.

If you make a plan and stick to it 2 things can happen. You can bring it to your wife and say "Here's what's happened but here's the fix'. Or you can choose to do it alone: knowing you're fixing it and have support here is more than half the battle. If she finds out at least you're in 'solution mode'; it will be important to lay it all out then though.

I don't think any of us can give relationship advice here without knowing the people or your relationship. What I can say is I know of no other site with more supportive or helpful ppl on it.

You're in no way on your own mate

💪💪💪

IrishSean

Just to add: 

Focus on the positives: I don't know your pension contribution so am guestimating your gross salary at £26/£27k per annum. Your debts are less at circa £21500. This is important as there are a range of debt solution open; snowballing, paying off highest apr 1st, clearing smaller balances, below £20k you can explore Debt Management Plans with a free debt charity if you feel you want or need to.

As ppl posted, many here have dealt with debts far far higher & a greater % of their income.
If your wife has an income it gets much more manageable again.

I would definitely encourage you to post a full SOA

👍👍👍

Omalad2020

Thank you all for your help and advice,

Its just i think that im in a place im never going to get out of I really really dont know what to do or were to even start. This debt thing is the first thing i think of from when i wake till i close my eyes and try to sleep. 

I cant continue like this, my fear is that if i tell my wife she will leave me and i wouldnt blame her. This really is unbearable. 

Again thank you all for your help and i know im not on my own but I feel that i am and its just going to get worse.

This worry is noway to live and i have these debts for at least 5 years i cant do it.

ryanm8655

Without a full SOA it is tricky to see how much of a surplus you have each month for debt repayments.

The good thing is you are making the payments...every month your financial situation is getting marginally better.

Don’t take out any more credit for one. On your credit cards what are the APRs? I’d set the DDs to £1 above minimum for a start. Do a proper budget and workout what you can afford to pay in addition each month and target the highest interest card first.

I spent years having no clue what my debt figure was. I’d also avoid checking my bank account out of worry. You’re doing great in just having written it all down.

Personally I’d tell your wife. It’ll be tough in the short term but I think your worries/stress will show and impact your relationship anyway. Telling her will be a burden lifted.

laurarutter89

@Omalad2020

I second the idea of a debt charity, they will be able to offer very good help and advice on how to move forward, and the options available to you. 

Bizzywizard

Hi Omalad,
Hope you are ok. My husband was where you are now in May 2019. He had credit card debt and he was always overdrawn with silly interest from HSBC. I then paid for a holiday and he finally told me he was in trouble financially (I had no idea, I thought he was just moving cards onto 0% deals). I was not angry with him, I was just hurt that he could not tell he was in trouble. He is my best friend, when he told me, I sat with him and went through all the debt it took a whole weekend. We then came up with a plan. You can do debt busting too!

I think talking with someone, even if its not your wife would really help you. GP, best friend or your parents? You will be surprised how many people have been where you are. x
Sending Love
Bizzy

IrishSean

Bizzywizard said:

Hi Omalad,
Hope you are ok. My husband was where you are now in May 2019. He had credit card debt and he was always overdrawn with silly interest from HSBC. I then paid for a holiday and he finally told me he was in trouble financially (I had no idea, I thought he was just moving cards onto 0% deals). I was not angry with him, I was just hurt that he could not tell he was in trouble. He is my best friend, when he told me, I sat with him and went through all the debt it took a whole weekend. We then came up with a plan. You can do debt busting too!

I think talking with someone, even if its not your wife would really help you. GP, best friend or your parents? You will be surprised how many people have been where you are. x
Sending Love
Bizzy

Agreed.

And as I mentioned before you are never on your own when you have this forum; a lot of ppl are on here every day (especially in lockdown). 
If you're looking support, advice or even just a bit of escapism from the debt worries, here is a good place.

Keep in touch; tbh I want your forum name to mean you're from Omagh, so I know i'm posting to a fellow northerner, hehe

IrishSean

One way to think of the debt is it's numbers on a page. Whether your comfortable or just about managing it's all relative.
What is interesting is those who are suddenly loaded (inheritance, lottery wins etc.) are often plunged into much greater money and relationship problems than those of us who have struggled with debt worries (often in secret). 
Talking to debt management charities or your GP will help you break the cycle of debt worry; in one sense if you were single and could afford your repayments, would the debt worry seem so great? It may be your fear of sharing your worry has become greater than the likely reality. 
Like any big decision, talk to as many ppl as you can first.
That aside, nothing prevents you being proactive and beginning to address the debt issue (as you've started to do)😀💪

Do keep posting tho👌

falulla

Many years ago I found out by accident that my husband had 2 credit cards with total £12k. I was more concerned that he did not tell me than angry. We looked at where the money had gone, it was mostly things that we'd both benefitted from. We repaid as a priority, the interest rate was awful, and moved on. There is no shame in belt tightening to reduce debt, in fact for us it was a bonding "in this together" type situation.