Compromising in a relationship

-taff

I don't know, I would find it very wearing to have to keep telling someone something that's common sense to the rest of us. I have aso never successfully got back together with someone once I'd left them. Nor do I know anyone who has. Might last for a couple more years limping along, but eventually, the same issues arrive and the same responses occur, so if counselling can help and you definitely love him to bits and genuinely do want to spend the rest of your life with him, then do it.

Otherwise, don't bother, life is short.

We argue sometimes over the best way to do something or something we want [ usually about the extensions to be and the room reshuffle will occur] but what usually happens is one of us is not explaining things in a way the other understands, so we grope for a bit more example or picture led explanations and all is usually well. We haven't disagreed on anything that materially affects day to day life [apart from the housework division which is slowly becoming more equitable] or big decisions yet. If one of us really wants something more than the other and it's important to them they have it, the means to aquire whatever it is is not an object or detriment, then they have it. We both agree about money, neither of us goes out and spends stupid money on stuff, he is extremely frugal, more than I am.

We work together if there's something to do that requires two people, otherwise we carry on doing whatever it is we prefer doing. I like gardening, so I go garden, he likes gaming, so he goes gaming. He helps and does the muscle work or the equation work when I ask him to,  I help with things when he asks for it.

Fireflyaway

Thanks again. Pollycat you are right. Whatever I say is taken as nagging, controlling or I'm frequently labeled a ' joy kilker' . I see it as giving my opinion and seeing things from another angle. I'm a very quiet person, totally not into conflict or arguments and happy to let other people make the decisions / go along with what others like. I can't however never have an opinion or say nothing if I fear the consequences are bad. Regarding the car. My husband saw it as he is earning ok money so he should be allowed to spend it how he wishes. I don't disagree with the principle but the car was on finance. It cost us probably upwards of £7000 in repayments and insurance! I'd rather that was saved towards a house deposit or nice holiday. I don't mean to be rude but I don't think that's normal behaviour. We don't see each other regularly now but do text or speak every day. I'm willing to make changes and he says he is but I worry it won't last. Funny pollycat, you mention my husband's weight. He has lost a lot of weight. I know it's because he can't be bothered to cook! And re starbucks. I used to treat myself a couple of times a week but I never moan if I don't have money to spare. I just wait till I'm paid. Not the best way to live but I mean I'm content. We actually used to not have arguments about money when we first met. I'm happy and feel fortunate with what I have, but my husband always looks to those who have more and feels as though he is underachieving! I remember one day he said to me, ' if I ever get to earn £55k I will be happy and that will be enough'. Not so. He constantly moves the goal posts. I am incredibly proud of him ( he doesn't believe it) and I really admire his achievements but I don't think its healthy to always want more.

Retireby40

Some would say it is unhealthy to just stay as you are and have no ambition to push that little bit more out of yourself. Get the last drops of your potential. Maybe that's how your husband feels.

You say your husband has lost weight. You say its cause he cant be bothered cooking but it's quite easy to get a 1500 calorie pizza and throw it in the oven while watching the football (albeit theres no football on at the minute). So maybe he is trying to cut down. 

You have to think long and hard about where its going. 

-taff

There's a big difference between having some ambition and being constantly dissatisfied with your life because you're comparing it to others.

A lot of people lose weight when they're having affairs. Just saying.

MovingForwards

Life is about comprising and finding middle ground.

Just a brief history, as I can talk for ages!

My ex preferred spending money on alcohol, having a sleep when he got in from work then expected to eat at 10pm when he woke up, staying up til 2 - 3am drinking as he couldn't sleep, wouldn't do anything around the house aside from putting the washing on. Both of us had FT jobs, mine was a 'professional' one (didn't pay loads but long-term would have) where I was chasing promotion to earn more so we could move to a better area. I'm also disabled. I was the one who applied on his behalf for a job, which he got, as there was nothing in the job advert paper. 

The drinking increased and then someone caught his eye, a younger model, he started spending money we didn't have on clothes and the other person until one day I told him to go, thinking shock tactics only he moved into his parents and got spoilt, had everything done for him, his drinking carried on, the clothes buying increased as did everything else has he had no responsibility and I could barely afford food/electric.

We dated for over a year, I had him crying on my shoulders....about the other person! Nothing  ever came of that friendship. I paid the bills, debts etc and still remember having £1 in my purse for food to last a week; that triggered eating issues.

In the 20 years we were together, we never argued, until the day I told him to go, then it was me who raised my voice.

I kept trying to save the relationship, but a relationship of one isn't a relationship.

My health massively changed, for the worse, due to all the stress and pressure.

He had depression, but wouldn't really get help, I ended up with depression, anxiety, eating issues, panic attacks etc.

In the end I called time, nothing was going to change, I was married yet single, my confidence took a huge beating, I was heavily in debt, as was he, I wanted a life, I wanted happiness, wanted more and new I had to start over so I did, the time I said goodbye to him was the only time he realised I was actually going and the relationship was over.

I've made new friends, cleared my debt, saved for a mortgage deposit and potentially owning my own place very soon.

Questioning yourself is fine, but as he has now gone and has the best of both worlds, I would start planning my own if I was you. Set yourself a time limit then move on if you are not back together.