Compromising in a relationship

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

Until the OP gets back to us and gives us examples of real life situations they are compromising over it will be hard to advise either way.

Is the husband really so laid back with decisions or is the OP to controlling and has to have everything their way. Nobody knows. 

There was a recent thread that gave some insight to the husband's attitude towards the OP.

This is a new thread that has attracted new people to give their points off view. I dont know about others but unfortunately I dont write down everyone's threads and store them so I take it as I see them. Theres also no need for multiple threads on the same issues. If the OP hasnt the decency to come back to a thread they started and fill in the gaps then why should people give opinions?

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

Until the OP gets back to us and gives us examples of real life situations they are compromising over it will be hard to advise either way.

Is the husband really so laid back with decisions or is the OP to controlling and has to have everything their way. Nobody knows. 

There was a recent thread that gave some insight to the husband's attitude towards the OP.

This is a new thread that has attracted new people to give their points off view. I dont know about others but unfortunately I dont write down everyone's threads and store them so I take it as I see them. Theres also no need for multiple threads on the same issues. If the OP hasnt the decency to come back to a thread they started and fill in the gaps then why should people give opinions?

You said 'nobody knows'.

I was simply pointing out that the OP has posted - pretty recently - about her husband's attitude to her.

It's up to you whether you want to read some earlier context or take what's posted on face value.

I don't 'write down everyone's threads and store them' either.

I remembered the OP from that thread.

As for multiple threads on the same issues, I don't think this is the same issue. You may have a different opinion.

As for not having 'the decency to come back to a thread they started and fill in the gaps then why should people give opinions?' - its up to the OP whether to return to a thread or not.

And it's up to you whether you want to give opinions on a thread or not.

Retireby40

My "nobody knows" is based on the original thread. She didnt give examples on this thread to what some of the examples were. 

You said it isnt the same issue. Well what would be the point in going back to a thread that isnt the same issue to discuss this issue. Her husband attitude to one aspect of life may not be relevant to this thread.

Pollycat you may remember the OPs previous threads but personally I dont. So because I contributed to this thread, it would be nice to have some examples.

What is wrong with that? I shouldn't have to go to old threads 40 comments deep to realise that the hubby wants to watch the football and she wants to watch eastenders.

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

My "nobody knows" is based on the original thread. She didnt give examples on this thread to what some of the examples were. 

You said it isnt the same issue. Well what would be the point in going back to a thread that isnt the same issue to discuss this issue. Her husband attitude to one aspect of life may not be relevant to this thread.

Pollycat you may remember the OPs previous threads but personally I dont. So because I contributed to this thread, it would be nice to have some examples.

What is wrong with that? I shouldn't have to go to old threads 40 comments deep to realise that the hubby wants to watch the football and she wants to watch eastenders.

I said I didn't think it was the same issue.

I did think the earlier thread gave some context to the relationship.

However, you don't have to look at earlier threads.

I'll leave you to wait for the OP to come back and give the examples you've requested.

Fireflyaway

Sorry for the delay in coming back. It's not that I didn't have the decency to. My pc was not working and I couldn't log in. 
Thanks everyone for your examples and suggestions. So my husband is quite implusive. An example is he might buy something on a credit card meaning we then have to pay off the credit card instead of save that month. Whereas I'd rather save or go without said item. Then little every day things. He might want to take the dog off the lead / feed the cat hits from his plate. I point out why that's not a good idea. He thinks I'm always overriding his decisions. However as some eluded to I have posted previously that he has poor mental health and low self-esteem so he probably reacts stronger than most people.  We do agree on the main things in life religion, housing, kids etc there are no conflicts with the in-laws etc but it's this perceived control thing we can't get over yet. I'm hoping counselling will help. 

Pollycat

Re the spending on credit card, I'd say it depended on how much.

For example, is £20 going to make such a difference to your savings?

I'd say buying something for £200 without consulting you is unfair - assuming you have joint finances.

And if he's spending lots of £20, that's also different.

So it's hard for me to say whether you are being controlling or not.

As for the dog, if your dog is well behaved and it's a safe place, why would you object to him letting it off the lead?

If you're saying you want him to ask your permission before doing it, I'd say that was controlling.

I've never agreed with feeding any animal from your plate - I'm assuming you don't mean he puts his plate on the floor for the cat to eat off because that's just gross - that just encourages them to beg whilst your eating.

I think the main thing is that your OH thinks you're controlling and you think you're not.

So it's more about each other's perception rather than who is right and who is wrong.

Even if everybody said you weren't controlling, how do you get that over to your OH?

Have you considered counselling together? Or would that not work given his mental health issues?

I apologise for bringing your earlier thread into the mix but as I said, I thought it added context and might help with responses as I think your partner's mental health issues do have a lot to do with how things are between you.

NeilCr

Pollycat said:

Re the spending on credit card, I'd say it depended on how much.

For example, is £20 going to make such a difference to your savings?

I'd say buying something for £200 without consulting you is unfair - assuming you have joint finances.

And if he's spending lots of £20, that's also different.

So it's hard for me to say whether you are being controlling or not.

As for the dog, if your dog is well behaved and it's a safe place, why would you object to him letting it off the lead?

If you're saying you want him to ask your permission before doing it, I'd say that was controlling.

I've never agreed with feeding any animal from your plate - I'm assuming you don't mean he puts his plate on the floor for the cat to eat off because that's just gross - that just encourages them to beg whilst your eating.

I apologise for bringing your earlier thread into the mix but as I said, I thought it added context and might help with responses as I think your partner's mental health issues do have a lot to do with how things are between you.

Agree with this

The thing that stuck out for me was the comment "I point out why that's not a good idea". The way that comes across is that you might be inflexible and controlling as Pollycat says. You seem to be in rather a "he says, she says" situation, to be honest which will only get worse. Sounds like more discussion is needed. 

Fireflyaway

Thanks Pollycat. No need to apologise, my earlier threads probably do give an insight into this. 
I think if we do get back together we will have completely joint finances and manage it together. Previously he handed over a certain portion of his pay and I managed it. However if I needed more because of a higher bill or unexpected expense he didn't like me asking. He doesn't like change. If I say we need £3000 this month that's in his head and deviating from that stresses him. At one point my husband was feeling down at working hard and having no disposable income. However looking at his statement he was withdrawing about £15 or £20 every day for coffee and food. If he wants to do that it's ok but then don't moan when you have no money left! He once bought a car without even having a driving licence! It sat on the drive for 2 years until he decided it was probably better to sell it. I did consider if he could be bi polar. I don't see any 'highs' though. He definitely impulse spends. He also thinks more of 'wants' than what is logical. So I know it will take 2-3 years to save a house deposit. He will say it's too long and we need to move within a year but doesn't stop to consider how that's going to work in practice. 
Re the dog. He is a puppy and although it would be lovely to see him run about I know he won't yet come back! He would definitely run towards the first dog he saw or maybe sprint into the road. The cat. She starts hassling us for food now and sorry to be gross but she gets an upset tummy, not nice for her or me having to clean up! My husband does understand once I explain these things but by then he has already registered that I have ' told him what to do' and he feels nagged at. I did think that maybe I would just stay quiet and leave him to make his own mistakes! However sometimes I have to speak up. I can't let the dog get killed .... You know this relationship stuff is so hard! 

Comms69

Fireflyaway said:

I've posted on here that I'm currently separated from my husband. We are hoping it temporary and that we will work on issues and get back together. One issue I've been thinking about is compromise / negotiation and I'd like to ask how others do this? I know my husband often thinks I try to override his decisions or plans. However I think I'm just more cautious. He will jump right into things where as I think of the pros and cons. What if there is a situation where you can't compromise, it's either do something or don't do it? How do you decide which route to take? I'm keen to learn what others do. I don't think I'm controlling but maybe I am and don't realise.  

Do you need to both do the same thing?
If he wants to jump in with something, let him. If that involves you, then you say "i need to think about it"

Pollycat

From your reply, I'm totally with you.

Buying a car when you don't have a driving licence (and probably can't drive?) is bizarre.

Not to mention a total waste of money.

And I think the same about spending money on expensive coffees and food (which may have contributed to his own weight issues). But I do know a lot of people enjoy a coffee and cake in Starbucks or Cafe Nero.

I think I could reason with someone who was spending that amount of money that saving that money and maybe spending £50 a week on something that doesn't give fleeting pleasure is actually a better way to go. But I don't have experience of mental health in a relationship so maybe that wouldn't have been possible for you to do.

I think re his 'wants', it's important to feel that you can actually treat yourself now and again, especially if you're working hard. But unless you're wallowing in money (which I don't think you are) I do think those treats should be actual 'wants' rather than 'whims'.

If he spends £50 on say a pair of binoculars and then takes himself off to the local park (not withstanding Covid 19) to bird watch every Sunday afternoon, that's a good 'want'.

If he buys the binoculars, opens the box then dumps it in the bottom of the wardrobe, that's just a 'whim'.

Definitely with you re the puppy, an untrained dog shouldn't be off the lead in public for its own safety and the safety of others.

I think he's got in his head that whenever you explain something to him - regardless of how sensible it is - you are nagging him.

I really don't know how you can get him to unlearn this perception.

I hope you do manage to work it out.

Maybe this enforced separation (I'm assuming that you are not seeing each other at this time) will be the catalyst that saves your relationship.