Compromising in a relationship

Fireflyaway

I've posted on here that I'm currently separated from my husband. We are hoping it temporary and that we will work on issues and get back together. One issue I've been thinking about is compromise / negotiation and I'd like to ask how others do this? I know my husband often thinks I try to override his decisions or plans. However I think I'm just more cautious. He will jump right into things where as I think of the pros and cons. What if there is a situation where you can't compromise, it's either do something or don't do it? How do you decide which route to take? I'm keen to learn what others do. I don't think I'm controlling but maybe I am and don't realise.  

HRH_MUngo

My husband and I usually agree about things, but if we don't, we go with the option that the person wants most.  We have been married for nearly fifty years

74jax

If it is a case of do something or not, we would probably have hubby do it, and I wouldn't (or other way round) if we both can't agree. Or else we would both do it, with the one not wanting to getting to choose something next time. 

comeandgo

I think I usually back down as life is too short to argue and fight.  

Retireby40

What things do you tend to argue or debate about? Where someone has to compromise?

Buying a new car?
Moving house?
Where you go on holiday?

What are the examples that you find debating over. Important things is ok but if you find yourselves debating over what some would call stupid things then maybe theres more problems to fix.

just_trying

I think you both discuss it rationaly and take both point on board. Then you decide what would be the better choice at that time.  If you can't discuss a decision together and come to an amicable agreement then not being nasty but maybe thats why your apart and should stay that way. Instead of getting back together causing confusion and arguments later.

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

What things do you tend to argue or debate about? Where someone has to compromise?

Buying a new car?
Moving house?
Where you go on holiday?

What are the examples that you find debating over. Important things is ok but if you find yourselves debating over what some would call stupid things then maybe theres more problems to fix.

I agree with this.

I think it depends what you can't compromise on.

If OH wanted to paint the kitchen black, there's no way we would be able to compromise. Gunboat grey? No chance!

We've not been together as long as HRH but have managed to survive 35+ years.

But we are people with similar tastes. We agree on decor, holidays, finances, food etc.

tacpot12

I do think that the person who wants to take more risk needs to be aware that that is their choice and that their partner may be correct about how the decision may pan out, so should err towards the safer path some of the time. If they will not do so - they always take the risky options - you have to wonder whether they appreciate the relationship if they are always going to put it in jeopardy? If you are just too far apart with your attitudes to risk perhaps it would be better not to be together and to always be stressed about living with this person. 

If you can get back together, some means of compromise might work - perhaps you could agree that you will go with his decisions half the time, if he will go with your decisions for the other half. This could be problematical as different decisions carry different levels of risk or impact, and some you may be more inclined to agree with than others, but it could be a starting point.

You have done well to identify that part of the problem is different approaches to life. You could also try to discuss this with him and see what ideas he has on how to manage this difference. 

goodwithsaving

There are somethings you can compromise on and some you can't.

For example debating over what to have for dinner, or what to watch on television are minor things compared to the rest of life, but I personally couldn't compromise on core values, approaches to finances, what I want out of my life, excessive drinking, inability to clear up, ambition etc. We only live once and I don't think we should have to sacrifice a large amount - which comes from being with the right person.

It's hard and it's exceptionally unrealistic to think that you'd never have to compromise in a relationship, it's just par for the course when two people are together. Difference is positive, it expands minds and encourages us to try things we wouldn't otherwise, but I do think that when life becomes a compromise, it's quite restrictive and that's when resentment builds.

Good luck, I hope you sort things out but don't forget what you each want. Life's too short to live it one way just because that's how someone else wants it, and that applies to both of you.

Retireby40

Until the OP gets back to us and gives us examples of real life situations they are compromising over it will be hard to advise either way.

Is the husband really so laid back with decisions or is the OP to controlling and has to have everything their way. Nobody knows. 

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

Until the OP gets back to us and gives us examples of real life situations they are compromising over it will be hard to advise either way.

Is the husband really so laid back with decisions or is the OP to controlling and has to have everything their way. Nobody knows. 

There was a recent thread that gave some insight to the husband's attitude towards the OP.