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Husband keeps getting us into debt
Comments
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I think you need to continue to talk about this, and to try to find something that works for you. You probably need to become his therapist in order to get to the bottom of why he spends how he does, and why he treats money as he does.
You basically have four options:
1) Do nothing - you will eventually lose you home, and probably your sanity.
2) Remain married but require him to change his behaviour - this will be a long, hard struggle, but could result in the best long-term outcome for you both.
3) Get divorced but live together still and allow him to spend how he wants to spend, providing the bills are paid first. Clearly the house can't be in his name, so a divorce needs to pass the house to you. He can run up as many debts as he wants, but you will not be responsible for them, and when his credit record is bad, he will either have to wait to have stuff, or will start committing fraud to get stuff. (The second of these is the more likely).
4) Get divorced and live separately.
Option 3 will have an interesting outcome in that the bailiffs will visit when he can't pay his bills, if you have kept the receipts (any you must if you take option 3), you will be able to prove that everything of value in the property is yours and not his and the bailiffs will have to go away empty handed. You might discuss with him whether he wants his children to grow up in a home where someone knocking on the door is likely to be a bailiff.The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always try to check official information sources before relying on my posts.1 -
It sounds like you need to have a full and very frank conversation, where you show him the evidence of what he’s been doing, show how much it has cost you, and ask what he intends to do about it, making clear that if he doesn’t change his approach then you may not be able to stay together.
You’ll then need to agree a plan that is achievable, measurable, and that he accepts as fair. This may be hard to do, but I think it is bound to fail if he doesn’t accept it from the start. You also need to make clear then that the re can be no deviations that he waves away with only “it was just...”
Good luck.3 -
It sounds like ultimatum time...
Tell him you have had enough of his lying and dishonesty, and he either takes responsibility or leaves.
Tell him he is not to purchase anything until every debt is paid off. If he NEEDS clothes he can go to a charity shop or use eBay and needs to tell you first. He needs to take over all cooking and cleaning now he is furloughed.
I am amazed you have put up with this for so long!!Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0 -
Out of interest is it you who manages the finances etc? Does your husband actually know how much all the bills cost and how much is left over? If he leaves it all to you, he has probably become quite detached and doesn't have much of an emotional connection to money. Could you sit down together and do a written budget. Ensure he can see everything and agree how to manage your finances jointly. Why does he overspend? Does he not have enough disposable income or is he being mindless and wasteful? Is he buying things to cheer himself up? Paying off the cards is all good but he needs to close the accounts and commit to stop borrowing.
If everything else is ok then think carefully about ending it all. We all have faults and I'm sure you are both more stressed than usual. You can make changes. Good dad's are a special thing and I'm sure he has many other good qualities or you wouldn't have married him.0 -
Tlc11 said:Hi All, sorry for my late reply yesterday was a very long and upsetting day. We tried to be normal for the kids but they could sense something was wrong and it was all very sad and uncomfortable. I don't think the situation at the moment is helping (my husband is furloughed and I work in a high risk Covid area, currently 60-70 hours per week) so there is alot of stress on top of the money problems. After a long hard think and speaking to my best friend it's probably not the right thing to make any rash decisions given the current situation. He has been trying today and has said he's going to take on another job purely to clear the debt, as I said I am not helping him this time. So we will see how that pans out. The sad thing is we are a lovely family with lovely kids who adore their dad, the thought of splitting that up makes me really sad. He is an absolute nightmare with money though ( I am a saver, I work hard and save hard. He's a spender, has no clue how to manage money and is very blaze about the whole money situation). As of now, our rings are off, he is sleeping on the sofa and when he is able to get another part time evening job, he will. We can't do much else given the current climate!
there is really life after divorce especially if you are unequally yoked. The sooner you force him to man up the better even if you should get back together later but you need to make it clear that this will be a deal breaker and you need to mean it.Initial mortgage bal £487.5k, current £258k, target £243,750(halfway!)
Mortgage start date first week of July 2019,
Mortgage term 23yrs(end of June 2042🙇🏽♀️),Target is to pay it off in 10years(by 2030🥳).MFW#10 (2022/23 mfw#34)(2021 mfw#47)(2020 mfw#136)
£12K in 2021 #54 (in 2020 #148)
MFiT-T6#27
To save £100K in 48months start 01/07/2020 Achieved 30/05/2023 👯♀️
Am a single mom of 4.Do not wait to buy a property, Buy a property and wait. 🤓0 -
So sorry to hear this @Tlc11
I had a similar situation with my DH. He just can't control his spending, so I have to do it for him. He gives me x amount of his wages every month and I manage the finances. He isn't allow an overdraft or a credit card. He gets around £400 a month to spend on himself (mobile phone etc.), he moans about it but I tell him that some people don't even get £40 a month to spend on themselves, and besides he got through about £200k of spending so he's done enough of that to last a lifetime. I said (to myself of course) that once our debts were gone so would I. It gave me some focus - something to aim for.
Our debts are gone and I have stayed around and our relationship is much better. My DH has changed, but I still have to be on alert. I don't think I can ever relax with him and money. So it can be done, just be aware it might be for the long haul and you may have to be constantly on alert.
Good luck, I hope you find the strength to get through this.
OSWL (start 13st) by 30Jun20 6/10
£1/day Xmas'20-62 £214/£366 saved
Grocery Challenge Jun £742/£320 spentHomeowner wannabe by July 2020 - WooHoo!!
Starter Emergency Fund £1000/£1000 saved0 -
Could there be something underpinning why he is overspending? I've noticed recently my husband is buying an insane amount of clothes. Every time I see him ( we are separated) he is wearing a new top or sunglasses. I lost count how many trainers he bought. Expensive ones. Only to throw them out after a couple of times wearing them. When he was here we used to argue about his clothes. Literally the whole wardrobe and airing cupboard was full, in addition to storage boxes. Could your husband be trying to cheer himself up by buying things or trying to give off an image of sucess? If you embarked on a joint project such as saying for a holiday would he buy into that or expect you to sort it?0
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"I have cleared around 40k of debt for him over the years."
He is expecting you to come to the rescue again. Tough love the situation.0 -
fred246 said:Just treat him like the other children. Have all the money paid into your accounts and give him weekly pocket money.
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Fireflyaway said:Could there be something underpinning why he is overspending? I've noticed recently my husband is buying an insane amount of clothes. Every time I see him ( we are separated) he is wearing a new top or sunglasses.
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