Husband keeps getting us into debt

Tlc11

I'm lying in bed crying my eyes out as I feel my marriage is over. I can't see any other way to be honest...
I married my husband 7 years ago when I had 2 kids from a previous relationship - their dad is not on the scene, his choice. We went on to have 2 kids together with the youngest being a year old. I am the main wage earner and literally work every hour god sends. He works in a much easier and less paid job as he has no qualifications. T(annoys me too as I have dedicated years of hard work and studying to get where I am, in a stressful job, but he still expects so much of me in terms of housework / childcare etc. I don't get any kind of break at all) We have bought a house together. 
Anyway, the main problem is his spending. 3 times now in the past he has taken out credit cards and ran up thousands of pounds of debt. There is no evidence of addiction or gambling, he just eats too much ( he has put on 5 stone since we met!) And orders whatever he wants without telling me - new clothes, tools etc and never pays it off. I have cleared around 40k of debt for him over the years. 
There was around 10k left which I set up on a payment plan and a 0% credit card and he told me he was paying it all off and that it was almost paid. 
I had a feeling he was fobbing me off so I looked into his credit score account - he still owes 10k! After 2 years paying £300 a month and the 0% has ended a year ago. I could also see that he was still spending on the cards that I had cut up and it turns out he had them linked to eBay, Amazon on and PayPal accounts so he didn't need the physical card! 
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I can't afford to chuck him out as I can't afford for him to be paying rent and 2 households - we have a mortgage to pay and 4 children! I feel totally betrayed and lied too. 
He has hit me with his usual crap of I will get it paid off but I have had enough, I can't see a way forward. My kids have to keep going without because he keeps spending all of our money and we literally have nothing. No savings, nothing. 
I have been working so many extra shifts that I am physically and mentally exhausted, just to try and pay off some of the mess he has got us in. 
I spoke to him tonight and said how upset I was and he dosent seem to care, he turned it around on me saying he was sick of it too and it was best we split up. 
Not sure what I am hoping to achieve here, I just feel so down right now and have nobody to talk to. Thanks for reading if you got this far. 

Savvy_Sue

Tlc11 said:

I can't afford to chuck him out as I can't afford for him to be paying rent and 2 households - we have a mortgage to pay and 4 children! 

I honestly don't know what to say, but I didn't want you to feel ignored. 

The bit I've quoted: the way I see it, you can't afford to keep going the way you are either. If you split up, you'd be responsible for one household, and he'd be responsible for the other, and for paying you child maintenance. And I'm pretty sure you'd make a much better job of the finances if he wasn't dragging you down. 

Head over to the Debt Free Wannabe budget and get help with a budget for you and the children on your own. And if you've got an hour or so to spare, look for a poster called Eager Elephant and her Elimination diary - it's a bit of a saga but she has spent years with a husband like yours, dragged down by debt. Take it as a cautionary tale ... 

Those cards he's been spending on after you cut them up - are they in your name, his name, or did you have a card each? If they're in his name alone, happy days, it's his debt to clear. 

anotheruser

You must stay strong.
He will come back and say how he wants to make it work and he loves you blah blah blah... that boat has sailed. It's over.

hb2

I'm sorry that you are in such an unhappy situation OP If your husband refuses to accept that his spending is a problem, I can't see that he is going to change anytime soon. On that basis, it seems that you would actually be better off on your own - both financially and emotionally.

comeandgo

You are allowing this to happen, with you being strong and taking control of his debts you are enabling him.   Stop this now.  The debts are his, he is not behaving like a husband, he is using you and treating you as his benefactor.  Do you think he could be depressed or in any way ill?  If not you are way better than this, image what you could achieve without him.

Fireflyaway

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can identify with some of this. My husband left in January and it's really not been great. We actually get on pretty well, speaking every day and seeing each other a couple of times a week ( before the restrictions) but even though we get along, our child is really struggling, I'm finding it hard financially and of course my parents are upset. Everywhere I look I see happy families. Kids playing with their dads. I want to talk about my day or share a joke but there is nobody there. My point is please think really carefully before splitting up. We all have faults. Like your husband,  I put on weight over time and my husband hated it. There is probably a reason for it. All the things you mention can be changed. Could there be an underlying issue? Some men will feel a failure if their partner earns more, even if they don't say. Could be be feeling demotivated and has just given up trying? I too paid off my husband's credit cards several times and found the cycle frustrating. That money could have been spent on something far more beneficial. So we agreed after the last time, if he wants to have a credit card he can, but he must pay it off using his own monthly spending money. It sounds selfish for him to expect you to work so much and pay off debts but if you keep doing it, you are accepting that's how it is. Have you had a proper sit down chat ? Can you set some ground rules so you both agree on a plan going forward? Maybe there are other issues that you don't mention but if not, ending a marriage because of one person's bad financial management seems excessive. Maybe try counselling or research some financial models you could try. Most of all look after yourself. After my husband left I been to realize how much I had neglected myself. I felt guilty treating myself and somehow didn't think looking nice and being a mum were compatible. That's starting to change and I feel better. 
Whatever happens look to the future. Hopefully you can work it out but either way the upset will decrease. Right now with this lockdown, kids off, work worries, you will feel stressed. Sending good luck! 

fred246

Just treat him like the other children. Have all the money paid into your accounts and give him weekly pocket money. Maybe top up a prepaid credit card for him. Some people are used to living in debt. I was always amazed at the number of people that boasted that they always had an overdraft. He may not see it the way that you do.

kazwookie

Dump him, you will be much better off on your own.

He is treating you as some sort of bank / unpaid skivvie

Savvy_Sue

Fireflyaway said:

Maybe there are other issues that you don't mention but if not, ending a marriage because of one person's bad financial management seems excessive. 

I'd say it depends how bad the financial management is, and whether there's a will to address it. If not, I don't think it's extreme to end the marriage (and I am not a fan of divorce!) Plus it didn't sound as if it was JUST the debts, but also a lack of support and an expectation that he can doss around, do a low-paid and undemanding job, while the OP works hard and long hours outside the home, and is then expected to do all the childcare, housework, shopping and cooking at home. 

That does not sound like much of a marriage to me. 

By all means the OP should try relationship counselling - even if her DH won't go with her, it may help her work out whether this marriage is worth saving or not - and try to talk and try to work through this, but ONLY if her husband is willing to participate. Which so far he doesn't seem to be. 

Tlc11

Hi All, sorry for my late reply yesterday was a very long and upsetting day. We tried to be normal for the kids but they could sense something was wrong and it was all very sad and uncomfortable. I don't think the situation at the moment is helping (my husband is furloughed and I work in a high risk Covid area, currently 60-70 hours per week) so there is alot of stress on top of the money problems. After a long hard think and speaking to my best friend it's probably not the right thing to make any rash decisions given the current situation. He has been trying today and has said he's going to take on another job purely to clear the debt, as I said I am not helping him this time. So we will see how that pans out. The sad thing is we are a lovely family with lovely kids who adore their dad, the thought of splitting that up makes me really sad. He is an absolute nightmare with money though ( I am a saver, I work hard and save hard. He's a spender, has no clue how to manage money and is very blaze about the whole money situation). As of now, our rings are off, he is sleeping on the sofa and when he is able to get another part time evening job, he will. We can't do much else given the current climate!

onwards&upwards

At the very least, if he’s on furlough, please tell me he’s committed to all the housework and cooking and sort the kids?