30th birthday not wanting to celebrate

Clouds88

Hello,
I just wanted to know am I being too grumpy not wanting to celebrate my 30th birthday? 

At the moment we do not have a lot of money and I'm struggling to save, my husband is on ESA (soon to have his assessment) so he doesnt have any earnings and suffers severe depression and anxiety. This has been over a few years and life has been hard ever since (cascade of events led to this) he has tried to work, 2/3 jobs but the anxiety gets worse and he goes more downhill so atm it's not worth it. I've started to pay for private therapy again (£40 a week) but the person is CBT focused and weve tried a cheaper alternative before that wasnt very good. 
Due to this I'm basically the one who does everything for our two girls, has all the financial responsibilities and house hold stuff. On a 'good day' he can do the dishes/cleaning and help out. He also has/had a gambling addiction so he cannot be in possession of any money only a small allowance and attends GA every other week.

ANYWAY due to all of life's stresses I really do not want to do anything for my birthday next month. I know my husband cant buy me anything because he has no money, I could give him some to buy mr something but I'd rather not as he might gamble it. I'm stressed all the time, life is !!!!!! and I do not want to celebrate such a !!!!!! period in my life. 

I lie to my family about my husband as it's easier (previous fall out between DH and my mum) and they just dont 'get it'. He no longer sees his mum, his dad is on the scene  but busy a lot. And I'm sick of putting on a smile and.pretending everything is okay so I certainly dont want an event or a meal out with everyone. 

I just get  by, busy entertaining the kids, I work 2 nights a week, cleaning ect it takes up all of my time and I just want to carry on doing that and ignore my bday. My family think I need to at least have a meal out, should I? 

Pollycat

Of course you don't need to have a meal out just because your family say you should.
Not everybody is a 'lets's celebrate every occasion there is' type of person..
I hate fuss & parties. OH hates fuss and parties. So we don't celebrate birthdays etc, except between ourselves.
However, if you used to be the sort of person who did like to go out for a meal with parents & siblings, you may have more of a problem convincing them.
But... do you think you are treating yourself properly by lying to your family?
Do you have any support at all?

Spendless

I suspect the reason you don't want to go is due to the extra effort it will involve fromyou, getting ready having something suitable. to wear,  getting kids ready (from your descripton, I imagine they're young) Wondering if your husband will be ok on the night and so on. I totally understand why you don't want to do this on your birthday - I wouldn't want to either. I am wondering if your family understand this though because you keep quiet about the situation. 

rach_k

I don't like to celebrate my birthday either.  Can you go out for lunch/dinner with a friend instead?  Then you can honestly say you've had a birthday meal if your family are pushing you to do something, but you can keep it relaxed and actually enjoy it!

oystercatcher

Just tell them that your birthday gift to yourself is a quiet night in !  Maybe husbands gift to you can be taking on an extra chore or something to give you a bit more relaxation? On my birthday I asked if husband could get up and carry our elderly dog out to the garden first thing instead of me, so I could have a lie in. Normally it's my job for various reasons. Your birthday, your choice. Ignore what everyone else says.

Just to add though it does sound like you are , unsurprisingly with all that is going on, a bit depressed. Might be worth thinking about getting help for you too . Have a good birthday anyway! x

onwards&upwards

Your 30th birthday present to yourself needs to be some support.  Go to your GP, tell your mum the truth, leave your husband if you want to, but do what you need to do so that you will definitely have a 40th birthday and it will be a happier occasion. 

Fireflyaway

Don't feel pressured, it's your birthday, do what you feel is right. What you have described doesn't sound grumpy but very sensible given the circumstances. You can celebrate without having to spend money or go out. How about staying in and getting a cheap takeaway or some nibbles and watch a film? Or have a bottle of fizz and a nice bath with candles? I have never ' celebrated' any of my birthdays because I just don't enjoy that kind of stuff. My husband  also struggles with poor mental health. Not much is ever said about partners of those who have mental health issue's. It can feel really lonely, unfair and frustrating! You have to look after yourself and don't feel guilty for doing it. If having an early night or a long bath or reading a book means the dishes don't get done so what! 

suki1964

You celebrate your birthday how you feel fit,  its as simple as that

As for the rest of what is happening in your life, you need some support - simple as that

Ok thats flippent because if you are being secretive about how life is at the moment, its very hard to say to someone, " its poo and Im struggling"

Have you at least spoken to your GP?  If not for your husband, but yourself?  

Perhaps telling your own GP how life is for you right now may energise them into getting more help for your husband. I know from my own experiences GPs will just let you wait for the system, until they are informed you are at breaking point, And whilst you may not feel that right now, with what you are struggling with, Id say you are pretty close

Don't celebrate a birthday in the way your family dictates , find your own way of celebrating it yourself

My 50th was an egg and chip lunch in a cafe. I really fancied it and I enjoyed it. Everyone else was like you have to do this that and the other, but thats what I really fancied 

Happy birthday and I do hope things get better for you xx

lena_halo

I went on a solo holiday to avoid having to celebrate my 30th! Best idea I’ve ever had!!

Clouds88

Thank you for all your replies. I think I will just do what I want to then. 
I've tried to get him an appointment with the psychiatrist again to review his medicines as he feels theh arent working and hes been on them for ages but they've just passed him back to talking therapies.

Re my husband, Fireflyaway It is so frustrating, I know someone who is very attention seeking in his mental health problems and he gets all the help but my husband is quiet and when he does feel suicidal he doesnt say anything as he doesnt want to be put in any institution. I feel so trapped I cannot leave him as his family support is virtually none existent and obviously I want to help but it's so draining. Theres hardly any support or financial support, I have a good job and I guess I always thought I'd have more or done more by this time in my life not being poorer than I was when I was in my early 20's lol. 

Fireflyaway

I understand. My husband has had depression for years but never said anything. He is on medication but I'm not sure it's working as it used to. He has no family in this country and hasn't told any of his friends. He holds down a good job but I think that's his coping mechanism, to distract himself. At home he sleeps, is grumpy and withdrawn and has no enjoyment in anything. It's very draining and frustrating that he won't seek more help. He has finally said he will try CBT but keeps making excuses. I've always felt like a single mum. He does the odd dad / family thing but usually has to be asked. I can't make him help himself and because depression takes away motivation, energy and hope, he obviously doesn't get round to doing it. Maybe a change of meds might help your husband ? Has he tried CBT? I've heard it's very effective but I just can't see my husband doing any of the tasks! I hope both our situations improve. Sending you best wishes!