Separation Finances

kew85

I need outside perspective please. Going through separation of 6 year relationship. Not married, no children. I essentially left my old life to move into his house at the opposite end of the country. Had to re-establish my life, restart career etc. And living somewhere I wouldn’t choose to if not for him. 

I recently found out he has cheated numerous times with numerous women since the beginning of our relationship. I’m obviously devastated and heartbroken. But I don’t want to leave myself in a financial mess on top of that. 

So he had WAY more money than I do, with equity in the house (in his name) and other places plus 3 vehicles. We have been a team fir 6 years with contributing in our own ways to the relationship and household. And I have revolved and planned my life around being here with him. So I can’t leave with nothing. His life will basically remain the same as before we met, while for me it’s a restart, yet again. 

So what I’m asking is.. regardless of law, what is reasonable (in percentage terms) to expect financially? I mean this from a fair and moral point of view. He has said he will ‘make sure I’m ok’, but I’m not sure what that means exactly. And I’d like some advice before we discuss it in detail. 

Thank you

LilElvis

Unless your contributions to the household reach a level at which you could be deemed to have gained a beneficial interest in his property then "morals" and "fairness" don't come into it. The only person who can decide what "making sure you're ok" actually means in cash terms is your partner - could be anything from helping you to pack to buying you a house outright. You're going to have to ask him what he is prepared to offer and negotiate from there, bearing in mind he doesn't appear to legally owe you anything.

kew85

Thank you. However I’m not asking about the legal aspect. You say ‘fairness’ doesn’t come into it, but it certainly does as we are both human beings after all and not just legal entities. So this is why I am asking before having the discussion, just to find out what others have done/would do in this situation. 

LilElvis

When I split with my partner of nine years (he cheated on me with an ex) I had to return from overseas where we had moved for his work. After finding a new job in the UK I was able to buy him out of the property we owned together, giving him 50% of the equity, despite the fact that I had paid more than him towards the mortgage, his moving out had saddled me with rent on an expensive apartment and my relocation cost me thousands. I was glad to draw a line under the whole thing and left the relationship with my dignity intact, even though, in the jurisdiction I was living in abroad, I could have sued him for more - especially as he earned several times what I did. What you, and he, decide is "fair" is between the two of you.

goodwithsaving

kew85 said:

Thank you. However I’m not asking about the legal aspect. You say ‘fairness’ doesn’t come into it, but it certainly does as we are both human beings after all and not just legal entities. So this is why I am asking before having the discussion, just to find out what others have done/would do in this situation. 

It doesn't come into it. If you aren't married then your assets aren't shared, unless house deeds etc say otherwise. Many people don't/won't marry because they don't want to lose their assets should they divorce.

I would cut ties and hold your head high. Chalk it up to experience. Life isn't fair. Go, build your own assets and be successful.

74jax

kew85 said:

Going through separation of 6 year relationship. Not married, no children. I essentially left my old life to move into his house at the opposite end of the country. Had to re-establish my life, restart career etc. And living somewhere I wouldn’t choose to if not for him. 

So he had WAY more money than I do, with equity in the house (in his name) and other places plus 3 vehicles. We have been a team fir 6 years with contributing in our own ways to the relationship and household. 

So what I’m asking is.. regardless of law, what is reasonable (in percentage terms) to expect financially? I mean this from a fair and moral point of view. He has said he will ‘make sure I’m ok’, but I’m not sure what that means exactly. And I’d like some advice before we discuss it in detail. 

Thank you

I have been in the same situation, however I had a child (not his).

I just left with my money, we weren't married so didn't get anything legally and I didn't want anything. I just wanted out.
I'd moved away from family but had rebuilt my career and made new friends so I just got on with my life. He broke my heart. The only person to do so. But I wanted out and nothing from the slime bag. I only wanted 'something' to hurt him and as a kind of 'I deserve this'. But I knew deep down the sod him and leave and don't look back was the right thing. With a child it was incredibly hard but I did it without him. Deleted everything and never looked back. 

kew85

Well thankfully as much as his morals aren’t great he won’t leave me with nothing. And as if I’d leave with nothing when I’ve contributed, a bit financially, lots of time and emotion, refurbishing property, administration of rental properties and way more.  Surprised to hear that from anyone tbh. Chalk it down to experience? I have plenty of experience.  I’ve given my life to this relationship and our life together. 

74jax

kew85 said:

 Surprised to hear that from anyone tbh. Chalk it down to experience? I have plenty of experience.  I’ve given my life to this relationship and our life together. 

But I'm guessing that is why you asked on a forum? To get people's perspectives.

As to giving your life. It's 6 years. Did you move in on day 1?  Even if you did 6 years is nothing. I'm guessing you are relatively young then, in which case as you grow up and move on to other relationships you'll see this was nothing. 

kew85

Actually I’m 36 and he’s 48, met 7.5 years ago, lived together 6 ish. And yeah it’s just surprising that everyone comes back to the legal aspect of things when I’ve said that’s not what I’m asking about. I know where I stand legally, but things aren’t always black and white with humanity involved 

Savvy_Sue

I think people are pointing out what's legal, because no-one knows what's 'fair'. And what happened in other people's lives might or might not have been 'fair' for them. 

What did you move in with / from? Did you bring furniture, equipment, a substantial bank balance? Were you renting or did you own?

What's definitely 'yours' now? The same bank balance, furniture, equipment etc? 

Because it might be 'fair' to put you back in the position you were in when you joined him, and it might be 'fair' for him to put you back in a better position because of the help you've given with his property portfolio. Whether he'd see that as 'fair' is hard to say, but worth thinking about what you'd like: for him to pay your deposit on a new rental / help with re-furnishing, re-equipping, whatever. 

comeandgo

I have left a relationship with my pride and clothes but you need something financial.  If I was in your position and wanting financial compensation I would do a profit and loss.  How many hours have you devoted to different activities and what is the going rate. You would have to deduct the fact you have had board and lodgings and meals out or whatever else has been supplied to you.
For future relationships you could start your p and l on day one so that there is no financial surprise to either you or your future partners.