Discount Duck’s Quest For Mortgage Freedom

caeler

That sounds really rough. @DiscountDuck He is making his problem your problem. People do this to other people all the time and it takes so much strength and courage to recognise it. 

Any plans for the camper van? 

VintageHistorian

He missed you? Well that's a real shame for him. I'm guessing most of his message was about him and his feelings and less about checking how you and the kids are doing, how are you coping in lockdown, how's the Masters degree going, did the dissertation come out alright in the end? Etc etc, you know, the things you might ask if you're genuinely interested in the other person and how they're doing, rather than focusing on yourself.

I've had a skip back to your post about the break up (page 10), and you ended things because he wasn't ready to be a proper part of your life. Can he honestly say, hand on heart, that that has changed? Has lockdown really changed his perspective on such things? Or is it that being alone in lockdown is making him miss the easy and fun parts of the relationship, but really he has no intention of changing the things that were making it so difficult? Obviously I can't answer that, but it's the question that really needs to be discussed, assuming you even want to consider it (and you don't owe anyone a second chance, you really don't).

Campervan sounds like a joy. Have a nice few days focusing on some trips you can do with it and the kids over the summer, and give yourself time to think about the ex and what you really want. You don't need to respond instantly, or even respond at all if you don't want to!

badmemory

My nasty suspicious mind is wondering if he knew about the campervan & knew how good it would make you feel.

Suffolk_lass

I think you need to have a think about what that message has triggered in you. After several months apart the distinction you must focus on is whether it is the person or the idea of the relationship you have lost that has set you dwelling on it. And reread the early pages of your diary to keep a sense of reality. It is your call but your rational mind should be the moderating feature over any physical or emotional reaction

We love our van. Just going and sitting in it for a cuppa at the moment but looking forward to using it when we can

Jessy103

The camper van sounds awesome and such a great opportunity for exciting adventures! Sod the ex and his feelings! You and kids come first ❤

DiscountDuck

We talked. It went ok. He says he’s ashamed of the way he’s behaved in lots of ways and that we deserved better. I didn’t console him and try to make it better for him and just agreed that we did deserve more than he was prepared to give and it hadn’t been enough.

Bloody well done me. Wouldn’t have done that a few years ago. Counselling is worth the money.

He’s learned to cook so now understands the effort it takes. He’s started exercising every day as he recognises that being unfit and having low energy doesn’t work being a family. He’s started having a smoothie for breakfast so he’s not a mardy !!!!!! until lunch. I queried these things being a fad and he reckons not, but he would wouldn’t he.

He apologised for expecting me to make more effort with his mental health than he did. He’s been for counselling and will continue to go for more. 

I can’t see how to make it work because I’d already suggested all the ways I could find to improve things in the year before we split and he dismissed them. But he is sorry for that and reckons it was the depression he didn’t want to acknowledge to himself or me and he is dealing with it and taking responsibility for his own health now and would like to find solutions and earn back trust. He would like to find some way of us being able to have a relationship that works for us all as he misses me and the kids. He says he hasn’t been the dad they deserved and he wants to make that up to them and me.

I don’t know if I can and have said so. He’s burned a lot of bridges and I’ve told him it’s easier without him and that says a lot about our team dynamic. The benefits he brought for the first couple of years didn’t last and I don’t know why he thinks this is a permanent change or that he has enough to offer us. I’m not interested in parenting another adult. I’m not interested in something that is more hard work than joy, most of the time. I don’t know that he won’t keep it up for a short while then slip again. He says I have no reason to trust him on it but he wants to show me that his counselling and realisations about his behaviours are permanent.

So we are not back together but are on speaking terms. 

I’m proud of myself for holding boundaries and expecting me and the kids’ needs to be met. But I’m also exhausted because that kind of thing is really hard on PTSD. 

Me and the kids have made a long list of all the places we are going to go in the campervan. DD is really into castles at the moment so Windsor and Alnwick are on our list. DS is into Romans, so Bath. I want to do the Banksy walking tour in Bristol and to go to the hot air balloon festival there. I’m just making plans for us and not including ex in any of them at this stage because post lockdown we’ll see what he sticks with and what he doesn’t, while I’m just his friend and have no risk of that upsetting my life again. 

It feels really harsh and cruel, but that’s emotion not logic and I’m doing the logical best thing for us because I’m self aware enough to know my damage makes my heart an idiot. 

VintageHistorian

Well done DD! Yes, it's very hard, but I suspect the alternative (taking him back instantly without setting any boundaries) would be harder in the long run.

We are very blessed in the UK with a ton of lovely castles and Roman sites! I can recommend Leeds Castle (actually in Kent) which is set in a beautiful little lake, and if you're over near the Cotswolds anyway then I really enjoyed Chedworth Roman Villa, although getting there was slightly hair raising (tiny, windy country roads). Cirencester also has a very nice museum with some wonderfully preserved Roman bits including mosaics and religious artefacts.

trix-a-belle

Well done DD. Its definitely not harsh or cruel its realistic & reasonable, you've done the best thing for you & the kids, & the best thing for him. If your paths come back together in the future then fair enough but he needs to stick to his changes and tread his own path for a while to see where it goes, be it flourish or flounder, it looks like hes still looking for the easy option and would slip back right now which you recognise. xx

I recall really enjoying Warwick castle & perhaps for comedic value you should add Barnard Castle on the list the actual castle there is also interesting & loads of other lovely things to see and do up that way. My holidays as a kid were always based around a caravan and a national trust membership The Isle of Wight is great for lots of nice places (garlic farm, osborne house, newport roman villa, carisbrook castle, the needles) & you can do the mary rose & victory while down at that end too if its the sort of thing that would appeal.

Sayschezza

Colchester (the first Roman town) has a Norman fort built on the remains of a Roman temple. It houses a great museum for children with lots of hands on things to do. 

Baileys_Babe

Chester is good for Roman history, http://grosvenormuseum.westcheshiremuseums.co.uk/about-us/ is the centre has a Romans collection including information on the Roman military occupation, there is a Roman amphitheatre. Further North you have Hadrian's wall.