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rough patch - mental health

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in MoneySaving Dads
4 replies 1.3K views
BufgerBufger Forumite
1.9K posts
Debt-free and Proud!
edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in MoneySaving Dads
Just sounding off really.. Anyone in the same position?

Husband to a wife with anxiety thats getting worse. Father to two children (7, 9), the eldest of which is getting really bad anxiety and is starting to hit himself and is really negative.

The issue is my wife and I now see things very differently. I dont hear her saying anything positive to the kids, shes on their backs constantly and gets into arguements with them and constantly escalates situations. I find it much easier to manage their behaviour because they respect me (because I dont shout all the time?). I dont know, this will probably sound one sided..

I've tried to support her. I've tried to suggest techniques. I've tried the tag team method but she wont step away. Now we're in the situation that she feels like the victim and everyone is out to get her. She's been at an all time low recently and we both agreed we could do with some family councilling. Now she doesnt want to do that - i'm not sure but it feels like she doesnt want to show any weakness, like this is some sort of 1v1 situation.

I'm fairly emotionally void now. Over the years of this i feel like i've been worn away. I just want my kids to grow up happy, i've kept us all together because I dont want to fail at marriage and I dont want them to be the kids with divorced parents but isnt it better to have at least one happy parent? Maybe we will both be happy!?

I also have type 1 diabetes and an eating disorder. I cant look after myself, bring in the means for us all to live and support everyone else emotionally. My health has been suffering alot lately.

I havent used an alternative account because its real life, we all go through stuff so why hide away. I'd appreciate having someone to talk to for some different perspectives.
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  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
    41.7K posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper I'm a Volunteer Board Guide
    Well, not in the same position, but ... if she won't go for family counselling, that is no reason at all for you not to go for some, either through a GP referral, or through Relate.

    It may be that she is reluctant to go because she is afraid that change is not possible, or that the price of change will be too high. Whereas you sound as if you are afraid that the price of no change is too high.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
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  • missimaxomissimaxo Forumite
    353 posts
    My first thought on reading your post is on whether both you and your wife are getting treatment, you for your eating disorder and your wife for her anxiety. It may be that even if she is not seeking help and doesn't want to that you can get help yourself from your GP.

    The other thing that struck me about your post is that you said your children are being affected with the eldest hitting himself. Can you get some emotional help and support for both or just the eldest from an outside influence. I'm not sure how old they have to be for a referral to CAMHS (I think that's how its spelt) but maybe you need to approach the school and see what support can be given. This may assist in taking the pressure off you somewhat.

    I'm sorry I cant really help other than that but I do wish you luck. If you do choose to separate then please strongly consider who will have main care of the children if your wife is not coping even when you're there. There is no reason why you couldn't get main custody and again if there have already been referrals to outside agencies then these might help you get main custody if the children are saying independently that mum is the problem. I talk from experience with my nephews where their dad did have main custody but seriously neglected them to the extent that school involved social services. Their mum ended up going to court to get main custody and their dad actually walked out of their lives. Very upsetting and it had a massive effect on the boys.
  • lindenslindens Forumite
    2.8K posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic PPI Party Pooper
    Bufger wrote: »

    Husband to a wife with anxiety thats getting worse. Father to two children (7, 9), the eldest of which is getting really bad anxiety and is starting to hit himself and is really negative.


    I recommend this book for the child - my grandchild is a different child since they started using it. DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY - A CHILD'S GUIDE TO OVERCOMING ANXIETY BY POPPY O'NEILL
    You're not your * could have not of * Debt not dept *
  • edited 9 January at 4:36PM
    gwynlasgwynlas Forumite
    364 posts
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Posts
    edited 9 January at 4:36PM
    As above, please seek help for all your sakes,
    You should be getting support re your eating disorder as should your wife with her anxiety and your child.
    Getting treatment on the NHS is notoriously slow so use the local library and GP surgery to see if there is any other body in your area that could assist.
    If you are the main breadwinner then it is important for you to be in good health and provide stability for your children.

    Further to this I have checked and the childrens society and barnardos both offer mental health and family support
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