Frump to Fab - A Whole New World.

helensbiggestfan

Pixie.....no you are not a terrible person for that conversation.  Don't ever torture yourself with that.  You did and said what you had to at the time.  And it worked.  Like a charm. 

I had to be tough with my husband sometimes.  One of the side effects of his condition was that he couldn't feel pain.  Now people might think this is a good thing and of course in many ways It is a kindness because many paraplegics and quadriplegics do suffer dreadfully from pain.  But not registering pain can also be very dangerous,  because without the sensation of pain we can seriously hurt ourselves.  Imagine putting your hand in the fire and not feeling pain.

In order to try and reduce my husbands pressure sores I had to be very bossy and very firm with him. When he resisted me I had to take photos of them to show him why I needed him to lie on his side when he wanted to stay sat in his chair because he couldn't feel them.  I felt awful bossing him around, it felt so mean and I felt terrible doing it. Fortunately he realised it came from love.  

Sometimes we do need to practise tough love.  Sometimes it's what people need, rather than mollycoddling them.  

When my mum died, my father took a nosedive. He was 88.   He was obviously struggling with shock and grief and he was in a bad way.  I was running around dealing with all the official stuff and my sister was providing his care so I didn't see him for a few days.  Unknown to me my sister had called out his GP three times in 5 days, they didn't tell me what was going on. I  just happened to be there on the third visit. Dad was in a sorry state by then.  

My fathers GP quickly realised I was the practical bossy elder sister not given to having attacks of the vapours and he nodded to me that he wanted to talk to me privately.  He said you're a widow aren't you and I said yes I was.  And he said "good, then you know the score".  He told me bluntly "there is nothing I can do medically for your father. He will either live or die, its up to him" 

Of course my sister and father wanted to know what the doctor said. I thought carefully and weighed up what to say. I decided not to sugar coat it.  I would point out that by this stage my father looked (and smelt) terrible, he hadn't eaten, slept properly or bathed and shaved, or changed his clothes in over a week. Time for some tough love. His dishevelled appearance alone told me he had practically given up because  he was always very dapper and smartly turned out. I was actually very shocked to see how quickly he had deteriorated.

So I told them the truth. I said that the doctor told me there was nothing he could do.  The shocked silence was almost unbearable but I stood firm.  

When dad asked me what that meant, I just repeated what the doctor said "you will either live or die, the choice is yours".  I then went on to say that whatever he decided I would help him.  If he wanted to die I would stay by his side and do everything I could to ensure he was comfortable, if he wanted to live then I would do everything in my power to get him strong and well. 

  I then pointed out that whilst my sister loved him dearly and wanted to help she hadn't lost a spouse and therefore had no first hand experience of what it was like, whereas I had.  I held his face in my hands and said "I know you and I don't always see eye to eye (a bit of an understatement) but trust me I know exactly what you are going through because I've been in your shoes".  I said "you know me, you know I'm not soft and sentimental like N, you are always calling me a cold hard hearted b i t c h but maybe That's exactly what you need right now to help you get through this.  But it's your choice, you need to decide today, right now". 

He thought for a few minutes and whispered very quietly. "I think I want to live". 

So I said "ok I'm glad to hear it, I will help you, this is the plan.  You are going to get out that chair, you are going to get into that bathroom and get out of those stinking clothes, you will have a shower and a shave. Then I will cook you a ham and cheese omelette which you will eat and then you will lie on the bed and have a sleep.  Whilst you sleep I'm going to clean up this pigsty (actually his flat wasn't too bad although it wasn't up to his usual immaculate high standards but I felt I had to keep up the cold hard hearted bossy daughter act) and then we will have a talk". 

If anyone had heard me they would have thought I was a dreadful person but I knew it was exactly what he needed at that moment.  My sister had been too afraid to upset him, scared it would trigger a heart attack or stroke and she had mollycoddled him, not insisting that he ate or slept and allowing him to neglect his basic hygiene.  

But as horrible as I sounded my tough stance was exactly what was required because I knew what made him tick. My sister adored him but she didn't really know him the way I did, she didnt know how to reach him, what tactics to use to shock him out of his inertia.   He was an ex serviceman who had served his country.  He understood the value of self discipline and squaring up and facing the enemy. In this case the enemy was self pity and falling into depression.  Under normal circumstances he would have risen to any challenge by drawing on his service training but this time he couldn't do it alone,  

I helped him out of his chair, saying "come on soldier let's get you on your feet and back In the game".   I really did feel like I was being like a bullying sergeant major but it worked like a charm.  He actually smiled for the first time in over a week, he straightened his shoulders and headed off to the bathroom, looking grim but determined. I did say don't lock the door and call me if you need help.   He came back clean shaven, and nicely dressed, he'd even used aftershave.  He struggled to eat the whole omelette but he gave it his best shot so I allowed him to leave some. It was after all pure protein, eggs, ham and cheese so I figured that was good enough.  He lay fully dressed on the bed, I covered him with a warm blanket and he slept for 2 hours.  

My sister was dumbfounded.  She said how did you do that, how did you get him to eat and sleep. I Have been trying for days, getting nowhere. Bless her she had done her best but what she hadn't realised was that there are times when it's tough love that is needed.  With an old curmudgeon like my dad softly softly wouldn't cut it. He responded to discipline, just like when he was in the army. 

Once we got him over that hurdle and through the ordeal of the funeral he started to pick up again.  I bought him a resistance band and some light hand weights and got him training again. I encouraged him to try walking without his stick (at first in the communal hall where there was a safety handrail). He lived for another 18 months and did ok, walking without aids and enjoying his food.  He moved  in with my sister for the last few months of his life. It was leukaemia which finally finished him off just 3 months shy of his 90th birthday.  

Pixie.....you did the right thing, nothing to feel bad about.  You dished out tough love when it was needed.  Your husband knows you love him and are devoted to him. 

maman

helensbiggestfan said:

I don't normally bother with flu jabs because a few years ago I had quite a bad reaction but given the circumstances I have decided i will get one this year.  One thing less to worry about.  

I'm undecided too. I got a text from the surgery asking me whether I wanted one. I've never had a flu jab before and, like you, I don't want to risk a reaction. I must have a fairly robust immune system because I can honestly say I've never had any infectious disease other than a common cold and that includes all the usual childhood stuff like measles and chicken pox. My brothers did but I never caught anything. I'm still thinking about it.

My surgery has never attempted to get back to anything like normal so no idea how they'll manage flu jabs. It's all telephone triage even after you've gone through the hurdles of the answerphone message directing you to 111. It's not likely to change now as cases are rising rapidly, although fortunately my area is still quite low compared with some. 

I've made an appointment for a cut and blow dry next Monday. I'll see after that how dark it looks and then book for highlights on another occasion if needed. I'm undecided whether to have the back cut into my neck. I have a slightly longer bob at the moment but it hasn't stayed s tidy as usual.  

Hygienist appointment tomorrow. My dentist is trying their best to get back to some sort of normality. I know the hygienist is really for health reasons but I do like the nice white teeth afterwards. 😁

helensbiggestfan

I Tried a longer bob this time but I've not really liked it, it never looks "right" so I will go back to a shorter version with a few layers to make it look thicker.  

I have still not managed to see a dental hygienist, my fault, kept putting it off.  It's been a while now, probably over a year so I'm being extra careful myself with the flossing, dental sticks etc.  Just have to keep my fingers crossed it will be ok.  Nothing worse than toothache.  

It's so hot outside, I've had to come indoors to cool off.  😂

chanie

What a day, I’ve had.

I had an appointment in Central London today and DS wasn’t well.  I was stressing because I didnt know what to do, as I didn’t have much time to spare.  So, I dropped him off at my sisters, as she was working from home and travelled from there. When I got to the train station, I realised I had left my purse at home, so I had to rush back to my sisters and  borrow her bank card, as I had no money on me.  The appointment was actually a job interview and I got the job!!!!  

I’ve really enjoyed being a lady of leisure,  but my bank account isn’t enjoying it.  The children are back at school, so the timing is right.  Luckily, I will be working from home a couple of days a week to start with.
About an hour ago, I was upstairs in my bedroom and out of the window, I could see someone’s legs lying on the floor near a parked car.  I went outside and saw that a lady had fallen over. Luckily she only had some minor scrapes but was shaken up.  I brought her a chair outside to sit down and helped to clean her up.  Then I walked her home (in my pjs, which I had put on early).  Luckily she only lived round the corner. Poor dear.

maman

Congratulations on the new job chanie. I can't say I'm a believer in karma but it seems right that your sister helped you and you helped the lady and you got the job. Good deeds are good. 😁
🤣 to the PJs. 

FreetodoasIlike

Pixie - yes our lives do indeed sound very similar.  My OH’s radio “shack” is the envy of all his radio amateur friends.  He absolutely LOVES it up there.  The loft conversion is a very good size and although he uses it as his “shack” we opted to put an en-suite in as well so that if we ever moved (not likely as this is our last house until we may have to face a future of having to move into care) we could sell (or his daughters would sell) as an extra bedroom with en-suite bathroom.  So, not only does he have his own room (with wide screen TV and all his electronic gadgets) he even has his own en-suite!!!!  I must love him!  To be fair though, the small downstairs bedroom has now become my office and I have a desk which houses my computer and a metal filing cabinet, which I rescued when we were clearing out.  It’s a 4-drawer cabinet and I use the top two drawers for our paperwork and my expensive jewellery so I can lock it. Unfortunately, I only have the two drawers, as the other two are crammed full of electronic components/wires/old radios, you name it!  My mum (who is 99 next month) got her jewellery stolen last year  by a chancer who followed a carer into the sheltered accommodation complex where she lived.  Luckily my mum was asleep on the sofa and didn’t hear the intruder so it could have been an awful lot worse.  She was under-insured and didn’t have any photos of the items so that made me take action and get my items valued and photographed and lock them away.  I know stuff is just stuff but my mum lost a lot of sentimental items, such as her mother’s wedding ring etc.  Things of hardly any value in monetary terms but things that were so dear to her.  I could weep now at the thought of what she cherished and was to be handed down to me was just horribly taken from her.  You were right to give hard love to your husband.  I know he must find it hard to part with things he has built from scratch ((like my OH’s bike which lived in the second bedroom until we did the conversion). I too gave him an ultimatum - the bike goes in the garage or NO radio “shack”.  As you can imagine the “shack” won!  My OH also keeps a lot of useless things “just in case” - you know “this may come in handy some day . . .).  “I’ll wear that old jumper when I’m doing outside jobs” etc.  He came home one day to find some of his “better” warm clothing had gone to the Salvation Army and still scratches his head when he looks for some old item and can’t find it. I too then just scratch my head and shrug my shoulders.  Of course, it’s gone in the bin😁. By the way, one of our first dates was a radio rally in Blackpool.  Unlike you, I didn’t pursue my licence, but his eldest daughter did.  She doesn’t use her call sign or go on air any more but it was a strong bond between them.  I only went once to rallies (that first date) but OH has a large group of like-minded people with whom he goes with and he enjoys it - and I enjoy my “me” time at home😁. Keep up with the de-cluftering - it will be cathartic, I can assure you 👍

LL - your story about your father was heartwarming.  Sometimes tough love is needed and it’s the only kind of love to give.  

Wednesday2000

LL - That is a touching story about your Dad.

Chanie - Well done on the job. I haven't been into central London since the start of March.

I have fallen off the WW/healthy eating wagon completely these last few days. Everything just seems so pointless if I haven't got anywhere to go or any social activities to look forward to. I have the trip to the coast but that is at the end of October and who knows what the situation with Covid would be by then. I feel extremely full up and sluggish today so I have to start being more sensible again tomorrow.

My new hand held vacuum arrived today and I am charging it and will try it out tomorrow. I also want to use my trampoline tomorrow. Today was far too hot and I just couldn't summon the energy to do it today. I should look on Amazon Prime for exercise as LL mentioned as well.

helensbiggestfan

Chanie........Wahoo, .congratulations. Well done.   🥂💃  

chanie

maman said:

Congratulations on the new job chanie. I can't say I'm a believer in karma but it seems right that your sister helped you and you helped the lady and you got the job. Good deeds are good. 😁
🤣 to the PJs. 

I did my good deed yesterday - a Mum from the school hasn’t been well and asked if I could pick up her DC and drop them home, which I did.  

I do believe in karma, of sorts.  Not in the traditional sense but more about ‘paying it forward’ which LL once posted about.

Maisie_Moo

Congratulations on the new job Chanie and welcome back maman (sorry I'm a bit late)
We have booked in for flu jabs next week at our local pharmacy I feel I have a good immune system but several years ago DH caught the flu, neither of us had had jabs and after seeing how ill he was we have had one ever since.
Maman have you been told if your hygienist appointment will be the same as usual ? Just that a friend had one and they did it the old fashioned way not using the water system . I am a little overdue but have been using interdental brushes every day.
I think it was LL who mentioned loose leaf tea and tea strainers, unfortunately I can't tell you where our tea strainer came from as it's 47 years old, had it ever since we were married. I have a supply of teabags but we mainly use loose leaf tea . Quite eye opening when we went to Sri Lanka around 10 years ago as we went to a visit to a tea plantation and afterwards to the factory and finally afternoon tea. They explained that the best tea goes into the loose leaf tea, my Dad would have laughed as he always said that teabags are made of the sweepings up.