Break up, Separation, Divorce Support Thread

[Deleted User]

Hey all,

I've been having a look for some support threads online about break up, separation or divorce but struggling to find anything that I think could be helpful.

I thought I would start a thread here just so that we have a place to rant, chat, help each other out.

Bit of background on me - I am 36 years old and was with my ex for around 18 years and married for almost 7 when he decided to call time on our relationship without any input from me.

He got a new bank account, changed his wages and was already looking for somewhere else to live by the time he told me. He told me at about 10.30pm the night before the wages went in to the bank that 'this isn't working out I'm just gonna pack a bag and go' - just like that - marriage over :shocked:

I tried to get him to talk for 2 weeks then getting nowhere asked him to leave.

Still not had an exact reason of why he decided to go but after a year he sent me a letter saying how sorry he was, that I will always be the love of his life and he wishes he could have just spoke to me (about what exactly) rather than letting things escalate to the point of us splitting.

He left his job in the same month that he left me so he obviously wasn't happy there either (also news to me).

I'm now almost 2 years down the line and I'm not heartbroken or completely devastated like I was but I'm still struggling to get over it all.

It's just really hard for me to get used to not having him in my life when he was just always there, he was always my go to person when anything happened (good or bad), we had all these plans for our future which we were still making up until the day he told me he was leaving.

I'm well over the shock of it all now, I'm not really angry about it anymore I'm just......... I don't even know how to explain it. I don't miss him as such, he hurt me to much for that but I do still think about him and I know that is a waste of my time but I can't help my mind drifting when I am alone and usually when I'm trying to get to sleep at night.

Anyway I just feel like it will help me to get it out, even if that is to strangers on the internet.

I'm hoping that this will become a wee safe haven for anyone going through the same or a place for people who are through the other side of it to help us when we need it.

Dxxx

jbkmum

I have three days until I can apply for my decree absolute, its funny because I've been absolutely fine throughout the seperation....or at least I thought I was.

I clearly wasn't because I am so happy now that I live in another town with DS that I've been able to see exactly how sad I was for the last few years.

[Deleted User]

jbkmum wrote: »

I have three days until I can apply for my decree absolute, its funny because I've been absolutely fine throughout the seperation....or at least I thought I was.

I clearly wasn't because I am so happy now that I live in another town with DS that I've been able to see exactly how sad I was for the last few years.

It's hard isn't it.

I think we just try to fake it so much that we almost believe it ourselves sometimes.

I just feel like no one I talk to really understands and how could I expect them to, they haven't been through this and I am happy about that cos I wouldn't wish that hurt on my worst enemy.

Aw amazing! It's time for a new beginning for you.

Dxxx

badmemory

Absolute was almost 30 years ago for me, I've pretty much forgiven him for the "well you were ill", but I never have & never will forgive him for how he treated our son. That was my second - my first died a short time after the absolute & I still see him sometimes (obviously not really) & go into panic mode. Fortunately this only happens about once a year now, but it used to be much more often.


The man I am seeing now is paying for this because he wants us to live together & there is no way I can let that happen. As we are both in our 70s I worry what will happen if either or both of us become poorly as we live over 10 miles apart!

[Deleted User]

It just shocks me how people are happy to treat people so badly.

It's a shame that is is affecting your current relationship but I think that is normal for someone who has been hurt like that in the past.

Dxxx

Pollycat

badmemory wrote: »

Absolute was almost 30 years ago for me, I've pretty much forgiven him for the "well you were ill", but I never have & never will forgive him for how he treated our son. That was my second - my first died a short time after the absolute & I still see him sometimes (obviously not really) & go into panic mode. Fortunately this only happens about once a year now, but it used to be much more often.


The man I am seeing now is paying for this because he wants us to live together & there is no way I can let that happen. As we are both in our 70s I worry what will happen if either or both of us become poorly as we live over 10 miles apart!

Try not to punish someone for the actions of someone else.

If you don't want to live with him, that's fine.
But if you are only saying you can't let it happen because of your first husband's actions - however bad they were - you are not being fair to your 'new' man and you are not being fair to yourself.


ETA:
I would have joined this thread almost 35 years ago - if MSE had existed then.
Have been married to someone else for over 30 years.
I did say at the time 'I'll never get married again'.
But I thought 'Hey! If I'd met this guy first, I'd have wanted to be married to him, so why am I blocking that because of how someone else treated me (which is where my first statement above came from).

jbkmum

I had dinner with the ex and DS last night, first time in months we've not fought or argued. It was really pleasent. I'm able to put what he did to me behind me for the sake of DS and also because I've already moved on.

Ex and SO haven't met, one day it will have to happen but for now its fine as it is....

I'm still waiting for that email advising I can apply for my absolute. I'm thinking it might be tomorrow actually. I just want that feeling of freedom

Accountant_Kerry

Hi All,

I am due to be able to apply for my absolute on Xmas eve, we still need to finalise the consent order though so that's unlikely to happen, we separated in 2017 and whilst relations have been strained we have both tried very hard for the sake of our daughter.

It's all very stressful and I cant wait for it to be over x

[Deleted User]

jbkmum wrote: »

I had dinner with the ex and DS last night, first time in months we've not fought or argued. It was really pleasent. I'm able to put what he did to me behind me for the sake of DS and also because I've already moved on.

Ex and SO haven't met, one day it will have to happen but for now its fine as it is....

I'm still waiting for that email advising I can apply for my absolute. I'm thinking it might be tomorrow actually. I just want that feeling of freedom

It must be so hard to do, I don't have kids so I'm not in the position were I need to speak to him or see him ever - thankfully.

Keep us posted on the absolute!

Dxxx

[Deleted User]

Accountant_Kerry wrote: »

Hi All,

I am due to be able to apply for my absolute on Xmas eve, we still need to finalise the consent order though so that's unlikely to happen, we separated in 2017 and whilst relations have been strained we have both tried very hard for the sake of our daughter.

It's all very stressful and I cant wait for it to be over x

I've been stressed enough just dealing with myself and him so can only imagine how much harder that would be with kids involved.

Are you going to apply for it on Christmas eve?

I got my absolute in the post on Good Friday this year, I did a DIY divorce in Scotland because we had no real financial ties or kids so it was an easier process for me.

Still very hard emotionally but at least I could get all the legal bits done quick.

Dxxx

jbkmum

@Dolly, yep, I actually detest him however I don't want DS to see that so I'm putting my principles aside for the wellbeing of DS. I don't have to see him often and I've refused point blank to do "family" outings with him. He's stated he is jealous that me, SO and DS are going out to buy a christmas tree at the weekend and how he's now left in the cold...shouldn't have done what you did then bucko!

I'll definitely keep posted on the absolute...keep checking my emails!

@Accountant, ugh consent orders....luckily we have nothing between us!