Keeping Going For My Furbabies

StartingAgainAt29

Evening!

Today hasn't felt as productive but I have been able to get some stuff done. I walked down to Aldi this morning, spent £11 which included the bits I needed plus some cat food (I don't really need it but I worry about not being able to get it so thought I'd take advantage while I was there). I came home and did the litter tray etc, and then sat down to decipher the puzzle that is my holiday. Having a look, I realised I got it wrong - the internal flights in Peru have been cancelled, but the flights to and from there haven't. Plus, checking the email from the company, I never got the refund credit receipt they promised, and the holiday isn't cancelled when I log into their website. I tried logging into LATAM's website to see my options about the flights, but it said their systems were down.

So I got some advice on the travel forum here, and they advised that as I booked it as a package the flights and everything are G Adventure's issue, and not to be fobbed off. Also they are following ABTA guidelines which says I can have a cash refund.

So, I have sent them an email asking for my cash refund for the whole package, flights included. They want me to sort out the flights as it saves them money, but as they cancelled the holiday I am due a refund for the entire thing. I do want to do the holiday next year, but it's so complicated trying to move everything I would rather get the refund and rebook when everything is more certain. I'll have to wait for their email now, and if they don't play ball I'll have to take it further.

My friend let me know that the recruitment team at her company got my CV and were impressed they've passed my details onto two different teams, so hopefully I will hear from them soon! I also got in touch with a recruiter who I found on a FB job group, and she wants to chat tomorrow to discuss my experience. She has local jobs which would be beneficial for me as I don't want to commute into London.

I've had the second helping of freezer salmon tonight, and I've got a cheeky Wednesday beer (it is Wednesday isn't it?) Wednesday is the day I've got into the habit of getting takeaway sushi, and the craving was there!! But I'm telling myself I can get some on payday, that's my compromise with myself.

Have a good evening!

StartingAgainAt29

Hi everyone, just thought I'd check in as I feel like I'm having to talk myself off the ledge the past few days and maybe it would be good to unload on here...
I think I've mentioned it on here, but I'm having CBT for low self-esteem, I've pushed back my last couple of appointments as I'm just not in the position to do the experiments to progress. Well there's been a couple of things this week that I've really struggled with. Thursday I had a zoom call with my uni friends, and I left the call feeling really low, really quite !!!!!! about myself. Looking at it objectively, there were a few instances of disagreements (not hostile, just differences of opinion), points being misconstrued, I dunno, you know when a convo just doesn't flow? I guess when there's 9 people on a call it can go that way. I don't know if it's me being super sensitive atm/lonely, feeling inadequate because I'm unemployed atm, or just not having as much in common with them anymore, I left the call feeling really down and like, what's the point? Part of my CBT work is to not take things so much pesronally, to internalise everything, but part of my social anxiety is that I always leave convo's and events thinking, why did I say that? What did they mean when they said that? Oh god, no one likes me! I thought it was a drink thing, but I didn't drink on Thursday and I still felt that way.

And then today I feel like I've been hit in the stomach, and I'm not really sure why it's hit me so bad. For bookclub we sometimes use the app Houseparty, and one of its annoying features is it tells you when people you're friends with are online. Well 10:30 this morning I see everyone is online at the same time. And when I go into the app, lo and behold they are all in the same room. The reason this hit me I *think* is because there's obviously a group chat that I'm not included in, and it takes me back to previous employment where there was clearly a chat I was excluded from, and it feels !!!!!!!
The reason I'm not sure why it hits me so much is I'm not super close to these girls, we would usually go weeks without talking/seeing each other, they go out all the time without me. Plus if they'd said to me "do you want to join a call at 10:30am" I'd likely say no!! But I think because of how low/sensitive I feel anyway, it's like another thing to knock me down. I have often throughout my life felt like no one likes me, I didn't have that many friends as a child as I wasn't allowed to go out or had to babysit my brothers so I couldn't go out when everyone else did. It takes me back to when I felt like this just before ex left, and I told him how I was feeling, and his reply? "You're not the only person who has problems you know." Nice.

I'm also feeling guilty because it's Father's Day on Sunday, and my dad wants me to see him. I've mentioned before he had a stroke, and isn't very mobile and I used to do a lot for him when I saw him on the weekends. The problem is he hasn't been at all sensible during lockdown - he's been going out every day on buses to the park to use the exercise machines (which are taped up but he rips the tape off...) If I see him he will want to go in my car and go shopping, but I'm not even shopping myself unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm in close contact with my mum who also has immune issues, so if he gave me anything and I passed it on I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. But then I feel guilty because I haven't seen my dad since March, and I feel like I'm choosing between parents. The thing is, my dad was absent for most of my adult life until last year, and even when he was around he wasn't really there for me emotionally. So I'm feeling these horrible feelings and then I have people telling me I'm too soft as he hasn't been there for me.

Anyway, I think I'm just feeling extra isolated and lonely atm. On the bright side, I've been able to exercise, I've done restorative yoga, a weighted workout, and joined my zoom yoga class this morning. Tomorrow I'm planning on running, maybe just a mile to try and ease into it. On the bad side, last night I caved and got sushi I also opened a bottle of red and had like 2/3 of it. Alcohol is a depressant, I know, but honestly last night I just felt like I needed to blow off some steam. I did enjoy it, and I really loved yoga this morning, so I need to brush this bookclub thing off because although it's hurtful it's not meant in a malicious way. I'm trying to use the techniques I've used in CBT to bring myself round.

Something positive - I had a call with a recruiter on Thursday, and she gave me good ideas to update my CV and put a portfolio together. Salary-wise I'd stay the same as I don't have as much experience in that sector, but there's a lot more room to grow. She recruits for jobs locally rather than central London which would suit me more. And even if nothing comes from her, I have updated documents I can use for my job hunt.

I don't think I'm much further with my holiday, they're separating the flights and the holiday which legally they're not supposed to do, but they are insisting. I can get a refund for the holiday, but the flights they want me to rearrange. But if I'm not booking the holiday right now, how can I rearrange flights? I think I'll leave that for the weekend and come back to it next week as it feels like an extra stress I don't need right now.

Ok I think this was a bit of an emotional post so I'm going to stop for now. Hopefully I'll be in a better mindset soon!

astrocytic_kitten

I feel like I could have written this post StartingAgain, I have those same feelings very often and feeling left out (even if it’s something I’d want to be left out of!) is something that hits a very sensitive spot. I’ve also been feeling particularly isolated lately. You’ve been through a huge amount recently and life just keeps throwing more at you - know you’re not alone and we’re all here for you. I hope that whatever you decide to do today you’re at peace with it xx

feeldaburn

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling - am a quiet lurker normally! I completely agree with going back over convos wondering why I've said what  I said!
I also struggle with feeling that I've been excluded from stuff so try to minimise my exposure to stuff like this. In houseparty you can change the settings so you aren't notified when other people are online - might be worth you doing that? 
Hope today feels a bit better for you!

SandyShores

Hello StartingAgain,

I've been off the site for a while, so am just popping back to catch up.  Sorry to hear you have been down, especially in these strange times.  I hope you feel a bit more yourself soon. 

I read about you suffering with stiffness in your back.  I am the same - usually brought on by sitting in the same position for too long or/and sleeping awkwardly.  The chiropractor also does some kind of pressing to release the tight muscles and I found a massage ball that you lie on which does the same thing.  I've pasted a link to one here so you can see what I mean.  Its amazing the difference it can make - I started having a headache as I was so stiff earlier but 5 mins lying on the floor pressing into the various painful bits and its much better.  I tend to just position it and then lie with my weight on it - you can buy one of these or just use a tennis ball if you have one, although the larger balls are slightly less painful I think.
 https://www.physioroom.com/product/PhysioRoom_Trigger_Point_Massage_Ball/2267/42604.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIirOuhfKT6gIVDe3tCh0rogGBEAQYDCABEgIUT_D_BwE

I've also found a great Physio on FB and Insta, who shares lots of exercises which help me.  Its just making time to do them that I find a problem.

Anyway, hope you feel better soon.  

Sandy

StartingAgainAt29

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind comments. I feel like I posted and then slunk off into a corner to try and get over myself and my feelings. I'm glad (although not glad iykwim!) that other people can relate to how I've been feeling. Definitely need to look at changing the settings in houseparty. Thanks for the recommendation @SandyShores, I wonder if that might also be good for my sciatica I get in my bum/down my legs.

So I'm back and feeling a little better, although had a little blow this morning as my friend's company sent an email to say no to me working there, at least for what they have right now. Although it's disappointing, it might not have been the best for me long term anyway as their company WFH full time, and that isn't what I want to do. It won't be the first rejection I get in this job search hey!

So Saturday I ended up just meandering, but then my mum and brother came round for a bit in the evening. My mum's shower no longer works, and my brother at the age where he can't get away with a quick wash. So he's using my shower a few times a week and my mum's paying money towards my electric, which is kind of her. They also came round on Sunday and she bought a Chinese takeaway, I provided some drinks and cocktails and we had a nice evening. Tuesday I had CBT for the first time for two weeks, and I spoke about how I'd been feeling and it was good to get it out. She reminded me to be easy on myself and to stop pushing, I've only just gotten well and I don't need the pressure. I told her my friend had offered for me to go and stay with her this week, her and her partner have been sensible and they know I have too, so I feel comfortable going and staying there. Plus it would be good to get out of my current bubble. My advisor agreed it would be a good idea for me to go, so I'm driving down tomorrow until Sunday. We've planned to go for a nice walk near hers as well as I can drive us there. My friend and her partner will be working on Friday, but they're fine with me doing my own thing, I'll probably spend some time in their garden with their cats who I adore (they have two little ladies and they are so funny! Different to my boys). My friend is a great cook and I know I'll have a great time down there.

I've managed to be active every day, a mix of yoga, walking, and short runs to get back into the swing of it. I've been trying to eat healthier but then yesterday I ate two lines of chocolate, I would say I regret it but nah I got a box from Simply Cook for £3 as a trial, I'd had one before ages ago. I've already made one meal of mushroom penne which was delicious, and I've got Cuban mojo pasta tonight. They make two meals each, so the second meal I'll freeze as I'll be eating at my friend's tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'd get the box that often, but it does make me more excited to cook and the recipes are really simple. Not very environmentally friendly with the packaging though.

Money-wise it's meh....I spent £13 in Aldi on Monday, mostly ingredients for my simply cook meals, but also some other bits like fruit. I spent £25 in the opticians as I wanted to get my eyes tested to make sure it wasn't my prescription contributing to the migraines (my prescription hasn't really changed so it most likely isn't). The £25 came from my Health fund. I want to go to Aldi tonight to get a bottle of wine and maybe some beers to take with me to my friend's. If I walk down there it will be some more exercise and I shouldn't be tempted to buy too much as I have to carry it back in this heat!

Made me laugh earlier, did I tell you guys about the horrible cherub/angels ex's mum put in the living room as "decoration"? It was a while ago so not sure. Well one of them has finally lost the other wing (the blind knocked it off the windowsill as the window's open), and my mum practically cheered when I told her as she hates the bloody things One down another to go!

I'll probably check in on Sunday when I'm back from my friend's. So have a good rest of the week everyone, I hope you get to enjoy the sunshine

StartingAgainAt29

Forgot to mention, I got round not seeing my dad by having a good chat with him on the phone for around an hour. He kept trying to tell me he's safe and doesn't have corona, but he's out every day on buses and getting into fights with people (long story...) So I told him look its not that I don't want to see you, but I have to be safe. He might not be happy with that but he understood (I think!)

Bogof_OAP

Hope you have a wonderful time with your friends, sounds like just the change of scene you need.  Who will have your cats?  Presumably you're not taking them with you! 

StartingAgainAt29

Thanks @Bogof_OAP! Definitely needed. My mum will pop in a couple of times a day, she likes being in my flat so she'll sit with them in the evenings too. Very lucky to have a built in cat sitter 😂

StartingAgainAt29

Hi everyone! I'm back!

I had a really nice time as I expected, feeling a little worse for wear as we had some wine on Saturday night, probably more than I should have

The drive on Thursday was fine although it was mega mega hot. The roads were fine, I'd packed myself a lunch of ham and cucumber sandwich and sliced peppers, was much needed! I'm clearly all over the place because I saw some cows on the way and I wanted to cry! While my friend and her partner were working I spent the time reading, and then we just ate, watched films, caught up, ate again lol. I never leave there underfed! They are very generous and I don't spend a penny while I'm there. They feel like my safe space, I can tell them anything and leave feeling refreshed mentally. It's interesting being with them as financially they are much better off than me, they work very hard for it, so I can't relate to everything they do and have but seeing how my friend has built her career is really inspiring as I've known her for 14 years, so seeing her journey is definitely motivational. One thing that I realised is that I need to stop being so hard on myself about cleaning my flat all the time - going to other people's houses I realise no one lives in a show home, so why am I putting pressure on myself? We all have clutter and a bit of dirt, it's natural. The drive home yesterday was rough, I think because I was tired. I stopped twice, I spent £4.85 total on a sandwich and some choccies for the drive. Plus part of the road I needed was closed so had to take a detour, then almost had a heart attack thinking I was going the wrong way on the M25. Googlemaps has never done me wrong before, but there's always a first time Cat2 was so moody with me when I got home, he got over it by this morning but I was persona non grata last night. Cat1 wasn't really bothered, took him 10 minutes to greet me after I walked through the door. They know how to make you feel special don't they!!

Ex emailed me on Friday about getting the flat on the market. I need to reply to him but my email is going to be long, because I have the following concerns:

• I've seen articles that building societies (namely NW) are stopping the 10% deposits and are now asking for 15/20%, which would affect our target market of first time buyers. Plus people are having their mortgages pulled;
• If the flat sits on the market and we have to drop the price we might not walk away with anything;
• I'm worried about a second wave, and for viewings it scares me people coming round to the flat, I'd have to do a major disinfecting session after each visit. So I would have to put conditions on it and say ok, I can only have viewings once a week, for the cleaning after but also the cleaning before and making it "presentable";
• I don't know whether to tell him about my plan to move back to my mum's, but she can't have the builders come until September/October, so I won't have anywhere to go if the flat sells too quickly. I can't move into the main house as I have the boys, she has a cat that is very ill and I don't think he'd survive the stress of two invaders!
  

I don't want to seem unreasonable, I know the flat has to be sold, but I'm the one living here and so the one inconvenienced. Need to type it in a way where I don't appear to be putting up roadblocks.

I was meant to have an osteopath appointment today, it is very much needed, but she's ill so cancelled I'm hoping she'll be better later this week. I've been to Aldi this morning and spent £26, it has taken me into my OD but there was some items I desperately needed. I get paid tomorrow, the OD costs me 50p a day so that's fine. I bought petrol, spent £20 from my Petrol fund. Annoyingly no cat food again so I'm going to have to sort something out as I only have half a box left and that won't last long with my hungry hippos!

Since lockdown I have been quite lax about buying little bits here and there, like oh I like the look of that that will cheer me up, a couple of subscription boxes etc. I've been feeling it for a while but since going to my friends' who, as I say they're well off but they are sensible and save, I need to stop the ad hoc spending now and concentrate on the fact that I will have to move at some point, plus being unenemployed I need to keep myself safe financially. So from July I'm not buying any subscription boxes, any unnecessary toiletries or makeup, clothes I still haven't bought anything for a few months and I won't be as I'm not buying new this year, I have bought bits for the boys but they have enough!! I'm going to up my food budget to allow for a couple of Simply Cook boxes as I like cooking the recipies, and I'm also toying with the idea of a takeaway once a week, it's £18 for what I get, and covers me for lunch the next day as well. I want to change my mindset from "No no no" to "ok you're going to have it anyway so let's budget for it and have it as a treat". Where my week is so all over the place atm if I have it say on a Friday it would give a bit more structure so I know what blimming day it is!! Plus it won't be forever, once life is more back to normal I won't need to prospect of takeaway sushi to cheer me up.

That's it for now, plan for today is the email for ex and not much else. My mum and brother are coming over later to use the shower again, so I'll have some company. Dinner tonight is mushroom stroganoff, it's a simply cook recipe, they have horseradish seasoning for the mash but a lot of reviews have said it's super spicy, so I think I'll play it safe and have white rice!

Have a good afternoon everyone