Fairness with Finances

Samsonite1

Some people wondering why I would discuss such things with friends - my close friends talk about this kind of stuff all of the time - that's how we roll! I suppose adversely, I was surprised at how my married friends keep their finances really separate from each other and actually feel that their excess money is theirs.

That is partly why I posted - I was not particularly concerned with my situation, but slightly taken aback by how others handle money. But then I realised that if I am the one that is so different, I clearly have the wrong (different) perspective. Hence seeking outside opinions.

Each to their own I guess. On the other hand, I cannot imagine feeling good about keeping lots of my money to myself, so I think I am happier this way!

hazyjo

Someone else has made you feel uncomfortable about it. Doesn't make it wrong.

I'm sure we all manage our money differently. Usually, one takes charge. My OH is erm, 'in charge', even though I earn it all. He makes me sit down and go through it all every week or two. He lists literally everything that gets spent. YES, he is absolutely right - it should be done. But I am a bit like a petulant child when I have to do it. I am useless with money and just spend and don't think, record it, nor go through statements at the end of the month. So, as much as I might hate it, I know he's right and I do appreciate it.

I have also thought recently about saying I'll use a separate account each month so I don't have to say everything I spend! He's been leaving cash out for me to spend on whatever which is better. tbh, it's nice not to have to worry or think about money. I do feel a bit like a child with pocket money, but I'd be up s... creek if it wasn't for him, I'm sure. If I had a separate account, I'd prob be overdrawn.

onwards&upwards

Samsonite1 wrote: »

Some people wondering why I would discuss such things with friends - my close friends talk about this kind of stuff all of the time - that's how we roll! I suppose adversely, I was surprised at how my married friends keep their finances really separate from each other and actually feel that their excess money is theirs.

That is partly why I posted - I was not particularly concerned with my situation, but slightly taken aback by how others handle money. But then I realised that if I am the one that is so different, I clearly have the wrong (different) perspective. Hence seeking outside opinions.

Each to their own I guess. On the other hand, I cannot imagine feeling good about keeping lots of my money to myself, so I think I am happier this way!

You’re not wrong, you just haven’t got a big enough sample size!

maman

onwards&upwards wrote: »

You’re not wrong, you just haven’t got a big enough sample size!

I think that's true. Posting on here will give a wide range of views. I'm always irritated by the people who imply that if you don't subscribe to the 'one pot' system of managing finances then there's something wrong with the relationship.

I think OP's situation of his wife managing the money isn't unusual but what isn't typical IMO is that everything seems to be in his wife's name. Although, that being said (doesn't seem to apply to OP) there are those who want someone else to hold the purse strings because they're poor with money.

Savvy_Sue

Different does not = wrong.

You could be describing our setup.

I do the bank account switching, it's only possible to do it in one name unless you make an appointment and go in together. So there are some accounts in my name only, and he does have an ISA and so do I, but he doesn't take much interest.

Samsonite1

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Different does not = wrong.

You could be describing our setup.

I do the bank account switching, it's only possible to do it in one name unless you make an appointment and go in together. So there are some accounts in my name only, and he does have an ISA and so do I, but he doesn't take much interest.

It does sound very similar - I do recall going in together for the joint account and thinking it was quite a time-consuming process!

TBagpuss

If you are happy and it is working, then it is none's business but yours and hers.

if you are not entirely happy about it, for instnace becuae you geel you have to justify your spending to her, then sitdown and have a conversation with her , and lookat how to make changes. This might include having some accoutns in your name or joint names as well as those in her sole name (which may also have tax advntages) and perhaps also haveing a set amount from the joint account goingto each of you each month to spend or save as you chose, so you each have some spending paoer whivch doesn't need to be discussed or justified to the other.

If it is a difiult subject to talk about, you might find it useful to see a family therapist, or couples counseller togherther, to be able to work with someone to improve communication around this issue and to think abotu why each of you feels the way you do.

for instnae, it's possible that your wife feels saer, or feels she needs the security of knowing that she has access to thesavings and some control over them, this might be particualrly importnat to her if, for instnace, she (or you as a couple) have been through periods when money was tight, even if it isn't now. Equally, if she witnessed or experienced a situation in the past with a finacially controlling man and a wife who was left struggling or having to justify eveything, she may have a very strong wish to ensurethat she can never be left in that position.

Equally, of course, you may have equally valid feeligns that you are not wholly comfortable with her having that level of control, in which case discussions round starting to move some of the savigns into your name, and some to joint names, would be wise.

(worst case cenario would be that she doesn't actually have the money, and has been spending it without your knowledge, but there is no reason at present to suggest that s the case! )

It might be sensible to have a wider conversation and to think about ensuringthat you have up to date wills, Powers of Attorney etc - do a genal finacial spring-clean.

maman

Samsonite1 wrote: »

It does sound very similar - I do recall going in together for the joint account and thinking it was quite a time-consuming process!

That's true but wouldn't mean that OP and his wife couldn't open individual accounts.

That's what happens here. I read tips from :money: and the financial pages in the newspaper and tell OH which accounts he should open /switch to.

Primrose

If your marriage is secure and happy and you trust your wife and the way she manages your finances, fair enough!
BUT, and I wonder if either of you have talked about this, what would happen with all the savings in her name she suddenly died and you had no access to the money. And she had secretly left a will leaving all the money to your children?.
AND had it not occurred to you that this is not a tax efficient way of managing of your Savings? Every adult now has an annual £20K tax free savings allowance. I don't know how much you are able to save annually but YOU are losing a potential valuable tax break here long term when you're not both taking advantage of savings in your name.

Apart from ISAs which have to be in individual names, all our savings have been in joint names for our entire marriage. We wouldn't have it any other way.

getmore4less

Reading your first post what struck me was no mention of planning and goals.

Having one person deal with the daily is not a problem but the goals and objectives should be set in advance and a budget allocating the resources done jointly.

Some of the practical problem with your setup have been mentioned.

Without planning you don't know what you have and where is should be allocated.

There could be massive financial waste* with better use made of saving with real goals and objectives.

Is there any planning and analysis of where the money goes, any tools used to manage the finances.

What are all these savings for do you know?

One area that often get overlooked is increasing pension and reducing debt.(mortgage)
Do you know anything about these like what is your LTV and interest rate.


* when income is good you often see spend creep as money just haemorrhages on stuff.