My mum bullies my dad

Itsjustsammy19

My parents haven't been a 'couple' for quite a few years but they still living together. Over the years my mum has changed, she used to be a laugh and a joy to be around but now shes so negative and bitter. She also won't ever accept she does anything wrong. She is very controlling and even tries to control my relationship (she has taken a dislike to my boyfriend over nothing). She has been ranting about my dad none stop for years bringing up everything he has ever done wrong and telling everyone who will listen how he has made her feel (ok my dad hasn't stuck up for her in the past but he's placid and doesn't like confrontation). I have always just gone along with it and just sort of agreed to it as I thought it would help keep mum sweet and stopping the situation getting worse. I have come to a devastating realisation that my dad is now 60 and her relentless bullying has ground him did. She's kicking him out of a house he's paying half for and making him live with strangers just so she can have their big fancy house to herself but no doubt he'll be back walking her dog as she won't do it. Ive pleaded with him to stand up to her but I can tell he is defeated. I feel awful I haven't stood up to my mum before now and done more for my dad. I also feel frustrated my siblings won't say anything and when my sister tried my mum just cried so she backed down. I just don't know what to do for the best. I want mum back to the way she used to be but she is so incensed that's she is always she victim and she's done nothing wrong and she absolutely won't change her view or attitude towards my dad. I feel so torn. I don't want dad to spend any more of his life feeling like this and want him to enjoy the time he has left. I feel so sad and down.
Thank you for reading

chesky

How old is your mother? Has she been to see her GP lately? She may be going through a particularly lousy menopause, or is depressed for some other reason.

As far as your father's reactions to her go, you really can't make people behave the way you think they should. They've been together a long time and have worked out a way of rubbing along together. The best thing to help him is to support and care for him and make sure he knows his legal rights if they are to be separated.

And why are you cross with your siblings for their inaction when you yourself can't manage the situation.

Sea_Shell

I was going to say poss. Menopause symptoms too!! If it's been a change over the last couple of years.

Worth her seeing GP, if she'll agree to.

[Deleted User]

Sad though it is, you can't fight your parents battles for them. You can give your father the number for Mens Advice Line

But I am afraid its up to him as to whether he calls. He may feel it IS his fault, not because it is, but because that's what he's been told for so long. I am afraid there are many people who have made compromises to stay in what seems to everyone else unacceptably unhappy marriages, there is a reason why he has stayed.

If they do split up, he may eventually come to realise the situation himself.

Try and get him to attend counselling if you can. MIND run low cost counselling services or sometimes GPs will refer for short term therapy.

If it helps, I grew up with a bitter mother, blaming everyone, especially me for her problems. We don't talk and haven't for decades, you move on eventually. It has probably affected you as well.

You can offer support as you are doing already (and well done for doing that) but you don't know the reasons he stays there, its not as simple as it seems.

maman

Of course, you can try to encourage your mother to see her GP but you can't make her. Has to be worth a try though.:)

As far as the house is concerned, your father doesn't have to just put up with whatever your mum wants. You can encourage him to make sure it's all done properly. You say he's paying for it so it suggests that there's still an outstanding mortgage. Also, I'm getting the impression that you and your siblings are past school age so not dependent.

Without knowing the full details I'd suggest that they're probably entitled to a 50:50 share of any equity in the house if it's sold or your mother would have to buy him out. Assuming it's a longish marriage then she'll probably have some claim on his pension in the future. That's just guesswork. I'd suggest he writes down a list of questions and goes to see a solicitor for advice to make sure he gets his fair share. You could go with him if you think he'll just accept anything for a quiet life.

paddy's_mum

Does it occur to you that your mother may be feeling "negative and bitter" precisely because he has been so laid back that she has been the one to bear all the burdens, have no recourse when he has done "wrong" things and has actually endured many unhappy years at his hands?

Comms69

Itsjustsammy19 wrote: »

My parents haven't been a 'couple' for quite a few years but they still living together. Over the years my mum has changed, she used to be a laugh and a joy to be around but now shes so negative and bitter. She also won't ever accept she does anything wrong. She is very controlling and even tries to control my relationship (she has taken a dislike to my boyfriend over nothing). She has been ranting about my dad none stop for years bringing up everything he has ever done wrong and telling everyone who will listen how he has made her feel (ok my dad hasn't stuck up for her in the past but he's placid and doesn't like confrontation). I have always just gone along with it and just sort of agreed to it as I thought it would help keep mum sweet and stopping the situation getting worse. I have come to a devastating realisation that my dad is now 60 and her relentless bullying has ground him did. She's kicking him out of a house he's paying half for and making him live with strangers just so she can have their big fancy house to herself but no doubt he'll be back walking her dog as she won't do it. Ive pleaded with him to stand up to her but I can tell he is defeated. I feel awful I haven't stood up to my mum before now and done more for my dad. I also feel frustrated my siblings won't say anything and when my sister tried my mum just cried so she backed down. I just don't know what to do for the best. I want mum back to the way she used to be but she is so incensed that's she is always she victim and she's done nothing wrong and she absolutely won't change her view or attitude towards my dad. I feel so torn. I don't want dad to spend any more of his life feeling like this and want him to enjoy the time he has left. I feel so sad and down.
Thank you for reading

Sounds like coersive control, a form of domestic abuse.


Should be reported to the police

paddy's_mum

Comms69 wrote: »

Sounds like coersive control, a form of domestic abuse. Should be reported to the police

Okay.. but on whose part is the suggested coercive control? Mum who isnt mincing her words or hiding her resentment or Dad who is, and has always been, spineless (according to the OP) weak and unsupportive?

No doubt the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I'd also add that I have several times in my life taken an unreasoned dislike to someone and subsequent events proved the validity of my gut feeling so even the comment of dislike for the OP's boyfriend "over nothing" needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.

That disagreement may even be the catalyst for the animosity now evident between OP and the mother.

Whatever the truth of the matter, clearly nobody in this scenario is very happy so I wish them well in resolving the issues and enjoying a happier future.

Comms69

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Okay.. but on whose part is the suggested coercive control? Mum who isnt mincing her words or hiding her resentment or Dad who is, and has always been, spineless (according to the OP) weak and unsupportive?

No doubt the truth is somewhere in the middle. - really?...

I'd also add that I have several times in my life taken an unreasoned dislike to someone and subsequent events proved the validity of my gut feeling so even the comment of dislike for the OP's boyfriend "over nothing" needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. - ofcourse, the mother is 100% correct and her actions are beyond reproach

That disagreement may even be the catalyst for the animosity now evident between OP and the mother.

Whatever the truth of the matter, clearly nobody in this scenario is very happy so I wish them well in resolving the issues and enjoying a happier future.

Indeed, victims of domestic abuse are often unhappy, as are the perpetrators.

paddy's_mum

I am not suggesting the mother is beyond reproach - you are.

What I am saying is that the circumstances described by the OP are wide open to interpretation and further, it might be wise for the OP to consider things in a more open minded way before wading in with both clodhoppers on and accusations of coercive control/domestic abuse. Statements like that, once issued, can never be taken back and nor can the damage they cause be undone.

Grounds for careful consideration, perhaps?

TripleH

We are of course only making suppositions based on information from a third party.

I think that both the Op's parents need to talk to someone (an independent 3rd party) to discuss the situation. It could be that they are both living in a situation oblivious to the wants and needs of each other. Whether they go together or independently initially. I actually think the Op's father, if it is initially going on their own, should look to go first.

Sometimes apparent lack of action for an easier life can be awful. If you are the other party, you can get frustrated that you decide everything, when sometimes all you want is to take a back seat. This can lead to apparently more and more irrational behavior, not because you want it, but because you want more interaction from the other party than just "yes dear"