My mum bullies my dad

chesky

Perhaps dad's managed passive aggression?

margaretclare

Coercive control is not confined to men vs women. It can work the other way round. Sounds very much as if your mum is exerting coercive control over your dad.

Ergates

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Does it occur to you that your mother may be feeling "negative and bitter" precisely because he has been so laid back that she has been the one to bear all the burdens, have no recourse when he has done "wrong" things and has actually endured many unhappy years at his hands?

Does it occur to you that maybe the OP knows her mother, her father and their current situation a little bit better than you.

Does it occur to you that saying "Does it occur to you..." to somebody speaking about a situation involving their parents is, perhaps, a little patronising. And when I say "a little" I mean "deeply".

zagfles

margaretclare wrote: »

Coercive control is not confined to men vs women. It can work the other way round. Sounds very much as if your mum is exerting coercive control over your dad.

Yeah but when it happens to a man he's "spineless" but when it happens to a woman she's a "victim".

margaretclare

....'when it happens to a man he's "spineless" but when it happens to a woman she's a "victim".'


Nonsense. Not true. It happened to the man I'm now married to - I was a widow, he was in a terrible marriage. He's about the least 'spineless' bloke you could ever meet. Eventually he upped and left, arrived on my doorstep one wet night with all his worldly goods packed into and on top of his rusty old car. Staying behind - now that would have been spineless.


He's talked to other blokes in similar situations - it's less rare than you'd think. The responses he's had: 'oh but what about the furniture' and 'but we've been married for 40 years'. Both irrelevant.



He was a managing director of his own company - spineless? Never.

BAFE

Could your dad come and live with you instead of strangers?

zagfles

margaretclare wrote: »

....'when it happens to a man he's "spineless" but when it happens to a woman she's a "victim".'


Nonsense. Not true. It happened to the man I'm now married to - I was a widow, he was in a terrible marriage. He's about the least 'spineless' bloke you could ever meet. Eventually he upped and left, arrived on my doorstep one wet night with all his worldly goods packed into and on top of his rusty old car. Staying behind - now that would have been spineless.


He's talked to other blokes in similar situations - it's less rare than you'd think. The responses he's had: 'oh but what about the furniture' and 'but we've been married for 40 years'. Both irrelevant.



He was a managing director of his own company - spineless? Never.

You missed the sarcasm! I agree, I was taking the p out of the sort of misandrist reaction you always seem to get to male victims of domestic abuse.

System

Some people are naturally the 'bossy one; in a relationship, that may have been your mother, because it was a way to get things done if your father has always been the laid back one? Maybe now the children have lives of their own she finds it harder to have him underfoot ( it seems a lot of people find this difficult after retirement or when there is an empty nest? Might this apply?) Your father is not a child, if he wants to sort out the housing situation I am sure he is capable of consulting a solicitor, maybe he is just so laid back that he doesn't want to? Either way , they are not your children, try and be there for both of them without taking sides. it may be that your mother has worries about her health or similar that she does not talk about with you.

edit to add, you say they are no longer a couple but still living together, why? To protect you and siblings? because it's easier than divorcing? they are both being made unhappy it seems. You say your father is 60, he has a lot of life left asdoes your mum hopefully assuming she is a similar age, maybe they will both be happier apart?

prowla

I remember my ex-wife talking at me and if I would try and interject she would talk over me and one day said "I'M TALKING!"; some days I would drive home and sit out in the car for 20 minutes for some peace and quiet before I went in. Other times, I would head for the loo, as a place of sanctuary.


I had decided that I would do the "for the kids" thing, but fortunately, she found someone else and the marriage ended. I get on OK with her on those rare occasions I see her these days and I've shaken hands with her new husband (who seems to be OK with my boys) (and I don't even object to him driving the car I bought her).


Myself, I am much more content with my life and I really don't miss being married at all.

margaretclare

zagfles wrote: »

You missed the sarcasm! I agree, I was taking the p out of the sort of misandrist reaction you always seem to get to male victims of domestic abuse.

Sorry about that. It's difficult to pick up the nuances that would come over in a face-to-face conversation. In fact, no one would have believed it of my husband (he was always a very fit bloke from his athletic youth) and therefore, in the to-and-fro between solicitors, she was able to pass herself off as the badly-done to partner. He often said that he felt like retaliating but if he had done so he'd have been arrested for murder.