My 12 year old wants to stay with me more but his mum is resitting

bflare

My 12 year old is currently staying with me 4 nights per week & he wants to increase this to 5 days but his mum isn't happy about this. I have asked my son the reasons why & it's a variety of reasons such as there is a lot of tension between him & his mum. He doesn't like his mums boyfriend who she moved in after a few months & he is a heroin addict on methadone treatment. I live walking distance to his school & it is easier for him to get to. I am trying to separate my personal opinion however I do not think that where he lives is a suitable environment & it worries me. Apparently my son has seen this guy take methadone at the chemist. My ex was trying to get my son to hug this guy after not long her meeting him.


My son has been staying with me 4 nights per week for a good 8 month now & I haven't reduced the child maintenance in accordance with this. I am now struggling a little & I told my ex I would be reducing it after October. She said if I do this she would have to downsize her council house. She is unemployed & currently receives full benefits including housing benefit. She lives in a 3 bed semi & pays bedroom tax. when we split almost 7 years ago I agreed to pay all her utility bills as part of the child maintenance agreement. I have been paying the calculated rate ever since based on me only having my son stay 1 night per week as it was in the beginning. I tried explaining to my ex that the more I have my son the less I have to pay her because it is then me who is providing things such as food & living costs. This then means that her living costs should not be as much but she says she would struggle with money if I reduced her payments. This makes me think that her money is getting spent elsewhere. She never buys him any new clothes & I had to buy him his school uniform & she agreed to pay me £20 a month towards it. I think the money situation is influencing her resistance to have him stay at mine more.
I am planning on sitting down with everyone tomorrow & trying to come to some agreement. My son is adamant that he wants to stay with me 5 days. I said to my ex that if we cannot agree then mediation is the next step & then it would have to be the courts. She seems to think that it is not up to my son. However, I have read various things saying that at my sons age a court would take into account what he wanted. Can anyone confirm whether this is correct? Is there a rule that outlines this? Ideally I am looking for something official that I could print out and show her if possible.

Comms69

Why is your son not living with you?


There is no chance my child would be anywhere near a heroin user.

bflare

Comms69 wrote: »

Why is your son not living with you?


There is no chance my child would be anywhere near a heroin user.

I was told that he had been clean for 3 years which is now looking like not very truthful. His mum did a very good job convincing me that everything was ok.

hazyjo

What else is the BF on/taking? Rare in my experience for that to be the one thing. Any weed? Alcohol? And is it likely she's taking anything too?


I think your son is trying to plead with you without landing his mum in it. Perhaps if you worded the question differently, you might get a more honest/open answer from him.

aninvasion

You are making a wise decision to sit down with everyone and put your points down on the table before attempting the legal route. Family courts won't touch a case unless it goes through mediation these days anyway. However I would keep your opinions about her finances to yourself in that situation. Speculation is a very tricky path to go down and can really rile everyone up which isn't good for the child.

Nonetheless it sounds like he isn't living in the best environment. There's nothing wrong with an addict going through a recovery program and maybe the stability of living in a home with a partner and child is a good thing for them but it isn't ideal for your child - I certainly wouldn't feel very secure if it were me in your situation.

In regards to contact you may be better off if you can't agree going the legal route as although family court judges do see a Mum and Dad as equal parties in a child's life they do take the child's desires into consideration especially at that age. You will both be subject to safeguarding checks via CAFCASS and/or social services anyway and they will assess both homes for suitability and speak to the child independently - they may even consider suggesting you apply for residency if needs be. This happened to us with my step-child even though we were happy for her to stay with her Mum when both homes were placed side-by-side we could see clearly that we could provide a more secure upbringing.

Child maintenance is a different story entirely and it *might* be tied into a contact order if you go via the court. If you don't have an arrangement via CMS in place already then I would start it now to take the best step forward. I'm not 100% sure if they will require you to keep up the payments you're making already regardless as you have had an agreement ongoing for some time or if they will accept their calculated minimum based on your contact and income since the system changed its structure a few years back. The best thing to do would be call them even for advice, I've found them to be really helpful about their processes.

Please be aware though that they will want you to ideally keep financial arrangements between yourself and your ex but if they have to set up a formal from payment her (this would be where they send the forms and letters to her but she doesn't fill them in or respond at all) they will take an admin fee on top of what you would pay.

I hope my comments have been helpful

kazwookie

I think your son is trying to tell you something underneath all this.


As someone has already said ask your question in a different way to see what answers you get.


I would look closely at what you are paying your ex for, now the BF has moved in ~~

bflare

hazyjo wrote: »

What else is the BF on/taking? Rare in my experience for that to be the one thing. Any weed? Alcohol? And is it likely she's taking anything too?


I think your son is trying to plead with you without landing his mum in it. Perhaps if you worded the question differently, you might get a more honest/open answer from him.

There is definitely weed been smoked. Yes, I suspect she is taking things too. I have just been told by a neighbour that it appears drugs are been dropped off daily.
I think you are right & he doesn’t want to hurt his mum but the environment is no good for him.

bflare

aninvasion wrote: »

You are making a wise decision to sit down with everyone and put your points down on the table before attempting the legal route. Family courts won't touch a case unless it goes through mediation these days anyway. However I would keep your opinions about her finances to yourself in that situation. Speculation is a very tricky path to go down and can really rile everyone up which isn't good for the child.

Nonetheless it sounds like he isn't living in the best environment. There's nothing wrong with an addict going through a recovery program and maybe the stability of living in a home with a partner and child is a good thing for them but it isn't ideal for your child - I certainly wouldn't feel very secure if it were me in your situation.

In regards to contact you may be better off if you can't agree going the legal route as although family court judges do see a Mum and Dad as equal parties in a child's life they do take the child's desires into consideration especially at that age. You will both be subject to safeguarding checks via CAFCASS and/or social services anyway and they will assess both homes for suitability and speak to the child independently - they may even consider suggesting you apply for residency if needs be. This happened to us with my step-child even though we were happy for her to stay with her Mum when both homes were placed side-by-side we could see clearly that we could provide a more secure upbringing.

Child maintenance is a different story entirely and it *might* be tied into a contact order if you go via the court. If you don't have an arrangement via CMS in place already then I would start it now to take the best step forward. I'm not 100% sure if they will require you to keep up the payments you're making already regardless as you have had an agreement ongoing for some time or if they will accept their calculated minimum based on your contact and income since the system changed its structure a few years back. The best thing to do would be call them even for advice, I've found them to be really helpful about their processes.

Please be aware though that they will want you to ideally keep financial arrangements between yourself and your ex but if they have to set up a formal from payment her (this would be where they send the forms and letters to her but she doesn't fill them in or respond at all) they will take an admin fee on top of what you would pay.

I hope my comments have been helpful

Thank you for all of this. Things have slightly changed in the last hour. I have had a message form my ex’s neighbour who is concerned. She is a reliable person who works for the NHS. She has told me that drugs are been dropped off at my ex’s house by known drug dealers at least twice daily. She is very concerned for my son’s welfare. When I spoke to my ex last night bother her & her boyfriend appeared under the influence of something.

unholyangel

bflare wrote: »

I was told that he had been clean for 3 years which is now looking like not very truthful. His mum did a very good job convincing me that everything was ok.

He may not be taking heroin, but if he is taking methadone then he is not "clean". Methadone is still a very strong opiate. He would also be unlikely to be on methadone after 3 years of being clean imo.

I'm not a GP or chemist mind you, but I did watch 2 family members struggle with heroin addiction for several decades and while they spent more than 3 years on methadone, that was due to breaks when they fell off the wagon. Methadone is a stepping stone to getting clean with the dosage being lowered gradually before being stopped completely.

I'm more surprised his mum doesn't see an issue and it makes me question whether she's a drug user also. Heroin addiction is not something to be trifled with. I know first hand not all addicts fit the stereotype (of stealing from anyone/putting their addiction above all else) but I still wouldn't date, even if i didnt have kids to consider.

Almost forgot to ask.....your current arrangement, was that set up by the CMS/CSA or was it just agreed between you two?

ETA: Also see its been broached about her possibly using also. That'll teach me to get distracted while answering.

Fire_Fox

bflare wrote: »

He doesn't like his mums boyfriend who she moved in after a few months & he is a heroin addict on methadone treatment

I am trying to separate my personal opinion however I do not think that where he lives is a suitable environment & it worries me. Apparently my son has seen this guy take methadone at the chemist.

I was told that he had been clean for 3 years which is now looking like not very truthful. His mum did a very good job convincing me that everything was ok

I am commenting on the bits I have knowledge of: it does not imply I think everything is fine.

Methadone is a prescription medication. A dose of green liquid that is swallowed from a plastic medicine cup or little medicine bottle. Usually the pharmacist has prepared everything for each patient in advance. So 'supervised consumption' at the pharmacy is brief and uninteresting.

Many pharmacies that deal with recovering addicts are regular family pharmacies. Some such pharmacies are rougher: they may be near where alcoholics congregate or need extra security measures to reduce shoplifting, or example.

Another possible issue is the weekend .... Varies with the pharmacy (and possibly the NHS Trust/ prescribing centre) whether the patient is given Sunday's dose to take away after dosing in the pharmacy on Saturday. Some pharmacies do 'supervised consumption' seven days a week though.

Do you fancy elaborating on "now looking like not very truthful"?

bflare

Fire_Fox wrote: »

I am commenting on the bits I have knowledge of: it does not imply I think everything is fine.

Methadone is a prescription medication. A dose of green liquid that is swallowed from a plastic medicine cup or little medicine bottle. Usually the pharmacist has prepared everything for each patient in advance. So 'supervised consumption' at the pharmacy is brief and uninteresting.

Many pharmacies that deal with recovering addicts are regular family pharmacies. Some such pharmacies are rougher: they may be near where alcoholics congregate or need extra security measures to reduce shoplifting, or example.

Another possible issue is the weekend .... Varies with the pharmacy (and possibly the NHS Trust/ prescribing centre) whether the patient is given Sunday's dose to take away after dosing in the pharmacy on Saturday. Some pharmacies do 'supervised consumption' seven days a week though.

Do you fancy elaborating on "now looking like not very truthful"?

When I pick my son up, they both look under the influence of something. I have had concerns from her Daughter my stepdaughter & just an hour ago I have had a message from her neighbour that known drug dealers are dropping drugs off at least twice per day.