Countdown from £28k...

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

I think you are doing the right thing going as soon as possible as it is beginning to sound as if they think they should be given more than their due.  The trouble with loose arrangements like paying for groceries, fuel for driving people around and the odd purchase for the family is that they don't always see that stuff.  All they see is the hard cash you actually give them in their pocket.  I had to laugh about the increased energy cost which is undoubtedly because it has got colder and costs them no more to heat the house with you in it.  The small amount your laptop must use is negligible in cost terms.  I expect they will find out when you have left how much you really contribute in practical terms and in monetary values. Just stay focused  on what you need to do to start off in your new place with the deposit and minimal costs for setting it up. You have been there a year which is probably more than enough for them and for you. 

You’re absolutely right.

Had a bit of an update last night (escaped to my uncles). They were so happy to see me go that it was almost offensive

Learned a lot through my uncle.

Basically they’ve wanted me to go for a while, hence the behaviour change. The scapegoat thing is 100% true. They think that with me gone it’ll be a fresh start for them and they can fix their issues. Akin to having a baby to fix a relationship They’re deluded. 

I get where they’re coming from in terms of wanting their own space etc. And that they have a lot going on and me being there complicates things. But quite disappointed about their immaturity in dealing with it and the lack of regard for my feelings. Rather than essentially gaslighting me so that I am questioning everything I do, stopping drinking, taking time off work to help cook etc. They could’ve just said, “we’re having counselling and having you here complicates things, it’s not that we don’t want to help you but we just really need our own space” or something similar. Instead they’ve been bitching to my uncle and asking him to talk to me (while he’s told them just to talk to me about it). I understand that I could’ve spoken up sooner too but I’ve not behaved passively aggressive towards them.

I have my faults, don’t get me wrong but yet another example of being the only grown up in this !!!!!! “family”. At least I punish myself rather than others for my own issues. I actually take some accountability for my issues rather than blaming everyone else. It annoys me most as they present themselves as moral deities, when actually they’re complete hypocrites. I just feel for the kids.

I genuinely want to move out now. Makes me think !!!!!! the log burner and look out for number 1. Stick a couple of hundred quid in an envelope and !!!!!!. Might ask the agent/landlord about moving in sooner. I’d rather spend Christmas on my own than sitting around a table pretending we’re a happy, smiley family.

I am relieved that I don’t have to feel guilty about moving but just so disappointed in their behaviour. And they’ll justify it by making me out to be the bad guy. Who needs enemies...

warby68

From all you've said, its much more their problems than yours.
Your family seem to not like anyone feeling too good.
Now your exit is secure, you can be magnanimous - its only a few weeks and Christmas is about the children anyway. I'd split your gift as well, some Christmas and some as a leaving gift. Just to keep them from being critical about the total until after you've gone because I suspect nothing will be enough. That also means scale it back by all means.
I'm guessing you don't want to burn bridges with them even if you are hacked off. Its a long game sometimes with family, especially when there are children you worry about.

ryanm8655

warby68 said:

From all you've said, its much more their problems than yours.
Your family seem to not like anyone feeling too good.
Now your exit is secure, you can be magnanimous - its only a few weeks and Christmas is about the children anyway. I'd split your gift as well, some Christmas and some as a leaving gift. Just to keep them from being critical about the total until after you've gone because I suspect nothing will be enough. That also means scale it back by all means.
I'm guessing you don't want to burn bridges with them even if you are hacked off. Its a long game sometimes with family, especially when there are children you worry about.

Yeah, you’re completely right on all counts.

Spot on re: not wanting people to feel good. It’s not conscious and I guess a product of their own upbringings. They wonder why the kids have self esteem issues. It’s like when the kids write a story, rather than praising them it’s immediately pointing out the grammatical errors and immediately the kids get frustrated and down.

Yeah, don’t want to burn bridges as you say and it’s the kids who are important re: Christmas. Will keep that in mind before throwing my toys out of the pram

Friend thinks I should talk to them and call them out for being immature about it. It’s tempting but I think it’d be more of an outlet for my frustrations to be honest. I think just persevere for the month remaining. Be happy I’ll have my life back and have a good Christmas with the kids.

The money thing just feels like I’d essentially be reenforcing the way they’ve been, which doesn’t feel right. Especially as I’ve essentially been guilted into it. But part of me thinks sod it, life’s too short. Be the bigger person and forget it.

warby68

I wouldn't have any sort of big confrontation but would probably make it clear I now knew they had been wanting me out and would have gone earlier had I known. Just a small call out that you 'see them' (or see through them lol)

lantanna

Just focus on yourself Ryan and looking forward you have many great things ahead

stymied

Did your uncle say how long ago they’d spoken to him about it? Could you go to his for Christmas instead? They might appreciate Christmas morning to themselves. If you find the right moment something along the lines of “I wish you’d mentioned I’d overstayed my welcome - it’s so much easier to be honest with each other, don’t you think?” It must be a relief understanding what the problem is although I think everyone the world over has had enough of seeing the people they live with after so much WFH & lock down!

ryanm8655

warby68 said:

I wouldn't have any sort of big confrontation but would probably make it clear I now knew they had been wanting me out and would have gone earlier had I known. Just a small call out that you 'see them' (or see through them lol)

Yeah, that makes sense.

lantanna said:

Just focus on yourself Ryan and looking forward you have many great things ahead

Yeah that’s it, at least I can move in guilt free and leave them in their ivory tower.

stymied said:

Did your uncle say how long ago they’d spoken to him about it? Could you go to his for Christmas instead? They might appreciate Christmas morning to themselves. If you find the right moment something along the lines of “I wish you’d mentioned I’d overstayed my welcome - it’s so much easier to be honest with each other, don’t you think?” It must be a relief understanding what the problem is although I think everyone the world over has had enough of seeing the people they live with after so much WFH & lock down!

The timing coincides with when I started getting the vibe a few months back when I was noticing small passive aggressive things. I’m having the same thoughts re: Christmas. Sure I’d be welcome at my uncles and will give them some family time.

I think your approach is a good way to raise it without it being confrontational.

Sarahwithlove

Could you book a weekend away somewhere or stay with another family member to give you all a break before Christmas? If the option to move sooner is available then you could take it but maybe still spend Christmas with them? That way you don't seem like you are just uping and running off. Although you also don't want to be there on Xmas if they want the space to themselves. I do agree with you though that I don't think you not being there is gonna fix anything. Sounds like it will just go back to how it was before and the child who is being bullied by them all will suffer again. I think this whole lockdown and covid thing has put pressure on everyone's relationships and a lot haven't survived it. Sadly you moved in around same time so it's easier to use you as a scapegoat and they will get a shock. 

IrishSean

Im right with you brother; emotional immaturity and passive agression go hand in hand and some of your folks, like mine, have it in spades!

3 quick points:
Uncouple yourself from them financially; dont stress about any more bills, purchases etc. Pay whats owed / agreed then split.
Look at the positives; youve cleared debts despite them; not because of them. Your motivation to clear debt would have bottomed out had you been served this $h!t sandwich a year ago. You are the stronger person.
Lastly do whats right for you: I know I splipped into debt when emotional strains of extended family got too much. Whats good is my emotional and financial maturity is miles from where it was a year ago. 

One of my parents used to say "let them run on": good advice. Paddle your own canoe & get to London as soon as pos. If it were me i'd bite my tongue, game-face everything til the new year for the sake of the younger kids. Those you know have the biggest agenda; kill them with kindness then wipe the dust off as you leave. Ive done it and it leaves you feeling the bigger person rather than getting in a big row and feeling crap.

GL

ryanm8655

Sarahwithlove said:

Could you book a weekend away somewhere or stay with another family member to give you all a break before Christmas? If the option to move sooner is available then you could take it but maybe still spend Christmas with them? That way you don't seem like you are just uping and running off. Although you also don't want to be there on Xmas if they want the space to themselves. I do agree with you though that I don't think you not being there is gonna fix anything. Sounds like it will just go back to how it was before and the child who is being bullied by them all will suffer again. I think this whole lockdown and covid thing has put pressure on everyone's relationships and a lot haven't survived it. Sadly you moved in around same time so it's easier to use you as a scapegoat and they will get a shock. 

Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. Have thought about moving into my grandmas (lived there for a bit years ago) but she has a live in carer now, otherwise would’ve lived there ages ago Could come up to my uncle’s again, I’d be welcome. Could also go and stay at a mates for a couple of days. Covid restrictions make things a bit more awkward but apparently we may move into tier 1 soon...

Yeah, when I first moved it was very much mutually beneficial as well. One was having cancer treatment and the other basically had a mental breakdown, so I was doing a lot for them and the kids back then. It’s a shame that has been so easily forgotten and hasn’t earned me any goodwill/decency but perhaps that made it more awkward as they didn’t want to just throw me out. I think they’ve cast me as the villain to make it easier for them emotionally. But being passive aggressive and generally off is far worse than just saying they want their space back Their relationship has been up and down for a longtime but if the other wasn’t worried about dying then I think they’d leave for sure, reckon they will when the kids leave home, unless there is some kind of miracle. Hopefully the counselling works for them.

IrishSean said:

Im right with you brother; emotional immaturity and passive agression go hand in hand and some of your folks, like mine, have it in spades!

3 quick points:
Uncouple yourself from them financially; dont stress about any more bills, purchases etc. Pay whats owed / agreed then split.
Look at the positives; youve cleared debts despite them; not because of them. Your motivation to clear debt would have bottomed out had you been served this $h!t sandwich a year ago. You are the stronger person.
Lastly do whats right for you: I know I splipped into debt when emotional strains of extended family got too much. Whats good is my emotional and financial maturity is miles from where it was a year ago. 

One of my parents used to say "let them run on": good advice. Paddle your own canoe & get to London as soon as pos. If it were me i'd bite my tongue, game-face everything til the new year for the sake of the younger kids. Those you know have the biggest agenda; kill them with kindness then wipe the dust off as you leave. Ive done it and it leaves you feeling the bigger person rather than getting in a big row and feeling crap.

GL

All sensible advice! I think this is what I’ll likely do. Start living more independently by going out more and giving them some space but also regaining my life. Pay them rent, buy a few bits for Christmas food out of courtesy and as I normally would but not go out of my way to go above and beyond on the financial front as it’s not going to be appreciated anyway. I’ll Chuck them the cash towards the log burner and they can view it how they like. Do need to be careful on the financial front as they can take the pee. E.g. they were popping out to get a chicken for roast so I gave them my card and they came out with a £150 shop that was put on my card. It was fine as I wasn’t paying rent at the time but they’re give an inch and take a mile kind of people. E.g. if I offered to buy the turkey or something I’d ended up paying for everything

Good point on the positives too. I still feel good. A bit disappointed by the family but have dealt with worse and justifies me focussing on myself rather than worrying about how everyone else around me feels all the time, which is exhausting in itself. Wouldn’t be debt free without the experience and have massively grown as a person. Career back on track and I have some kind of plan. And I’ve been really lucky with COVID timing as it meant no FOMO. Ultimately life is good!

A bit of a heavy weekend on the booze front but it always is when I’m at my uncles Had a good weekend though, nice to get out and uncle’s is a lot more laidback as a household. Now off to go watch younger cousin play football in the !!!!!! rain

Uncle got me some house bits for when I move so now I think it’s only plates I’ll need. Apparently ASDA is cheap for decent looking plates, so will head there before I move and pick some up. Will also need glasses but other than that I think I’m covered...

Would like to get some decent audio in the flat. I have a small Sonos, which is great but think I’ll need something a bit bigger given the size. But that’s something I’ll budget for when the time comes. May decide it’s not needed. I won’t be going out that much initially anyway as bars aren’t properly open in London anyway and there are only so many scotch eggs a man can stomach while drinking...would like to take advantage of more of the free stuff that London offers and get back into the exercise as well. Save my cash for when life is more normal.