Countdown from £28k...

Sarahwithlove

I think maybe you are right to leave things for now and see how it is once you have moved out and maybe see then what the relationship with them is like. But financially and help wise I think they are going to get a major shock to the system. 

warby68

I think you're right to let sleeping dogs lie for now.
I'm glad it wasn't the other way round TBH. If they actually realised you were a net contributor and leaving in a month you might get plenty more comments about not enough notice and leaving them in the lurch. 
It just sounds like whatever the subject they embellish in the direction that makes you feel a bit bad and them a bit better.

efes_shareholder

i think they are in for a bit of a wake up call when you leave and take your contribution with you 
All seems designed to try and get as much generosity out of you as possible before you leave but laying on "how much we have done for you"
you know you have been a fountain to their household and not a drain so don't take the bait 

ryanm8655

IrishSean said:

Its hard to comment without it seeming like im dissing ppl I dont know but you need to prepare yourself for a slew of comments in the new year such as "we dont see as much of you now youre loaded and have your own place" etc. 
They will miss your rent and realise the nett deficit all your take away and grocery buying contributed but is now longer there. May well be inferences made about you not 'contributing' even though you wont live there any more.

My family are super, I mean off the scale passive aggressive; am so glad to be on the brink of no longer being tied financially to them once my deceased parents' estate settles.

Youve done amazing becoming debt free, just keep building a nest egg for your future.

BTW I smelt a sample of Beckham's 'Inspired by Respect'... I ended up buying it for the kids (from fragrancedirect)  for secret santa to each other (teen boy to teen boy).  Funny cause every other Beckham EDT I smelt wasnt nice.

Still trying to wrap my (Christmas) head around the fact it was £6.99😂😂😂 it was an amazing aftershave for the money! Wouldnt matter if it had no staying power at the price. 

Would be keen to know what the best smelly is youve encountered for the lowest price. I bought the mrs a new chanel smelly which was pretty amazing but 10 times the price of the above!

Yeah, that’s exactly it. It’s probably also a case of familiarity breeds contempt. Plus they’ve got their own stuff going on (having family counselling), so me being around gets in the way a bit.

Might have to check that out. I tend to go for niche fragrances so not too up on the good cheapies. Some of the Mercedes Benz line are supposed to be very good and can be picked up for about £15 in TK Maxx, cheaper clones of Dior fragrances that are great for the money. Some of Zara’s fragrances are supposed to be good too. It depends what you like really, vibrant leather is an aventus clone iirc. Did have Bentley Intense Man for about £20. Wasn’t my bag but people really rate that as a fragrance that is niche quality for bargain prices. Pal Zileri Cuoio is very close to Tom Ford Tuscan Leather for about £20. Club de nuit Milestone is a clone of Creed’s Millesime Imperiale and is apparently better, for about £30. Versace Pour Homme is a pretty good cheapy, nice bottle too, can be had for about £30 for 100ml. 

Best cheap fragrance I had was the previous formulation of Paco Rabanne Invictus Aqua but it’s quite a young persons scent. Really good performance (the new version is crap...has to be pre 2016). I picked it up for £30, used half of it and sold it for £100

Some of the Issey Miyake’s are supposed to be good, or d’encens, noir ambre, pulse of the night. Can be picked up for about £35 but smell a lot more expensive. I’m quite particular about what I like though, so haven’t bothered with them.

stymied

I read the comment about how much you must have saved as being how cheaply you were able to live with them compared to your previous lifestyle in London in order to have been able to pay off so much so quickly, not about how much you now have in the bank. And I think you’re right that they’re feeling like you owe them for that even though you have contributed so much already and a lot of it has been due to the sacrifices you’ve made as much as the lower housing cost.
Congrats on being debt free & the amazing sounding flat!

ryanm8655

Sarahwithlove said:

I think maybe you are right to leave things for now and see how it is once you have moved out and maybe see then what the relationship with them is like. But financially and help wise I think they are going to get a major shock to the system. 

Yeah I think that makes sense...

warby68 said:

I think you're right to let sleeping dogs lie for now.
I'm glad it wasn't the other way round TBH. If they actually realised you were a net contributor and leaving in a month you might get plenty more comments about not enough notice and leaving them in the lurch. 
It just sounds like whatever the subject they embellish in the direction that makes you feel a bit bad and them a bit better.

That’s very true and I think that was the relief on my part. But then I reflected on what was said but meh, I’ll leave it. Things are high stress, let’s just get along. Thing is I have to fork out just over £3k for the deposit and rent so need to be a bit careful what I’m spending, so can’t afford to be going mental and ceding to their demands for more cash right now. The log burner contribution is at the limit and I think sufficient as a thank you and Christmas present combined. Also spent £150 on the 3 kids so far, which is way more than I would if I didn’t live here...yeah...I think it’s a bit like everyone thinking they’re doing the most in a stressful household...can’t remember if it was you that said that too haha.

efes_shareholder said:

i think they are in for a bit of a wake up call when you leave and take your contribution with you 
All seems designed to try and get as much generosity out of you as possible before you leave but laying on "how much we have done for you"
you know you have been a fountain to their household and not a drain so don't take the bait 

Yeah, that’s it. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve done a lot for me and there was period I wasn’t paying rent at all (though I was spending a fortune on groceries and also wasn’t here a half the week as I’d stay in London then stay at mates on weekends). Plus when health was really bad I used to help out a lot, would cook dinner most nights, spend my weekends doing homework with the kids, driving them to things etc. Hopefully things get better for them when I’m gone and the dynamic in the house improves, for the kids if no one else. You’re right though, stick with log burner and leave it at that.

Going to go stay at my uncles this weekend, give them a break but also me. Taking the afternoon off tomorrow as have a lot of flexi time to use so was going to head off then but learned I need to be on hand to cart the kids to stuff on Saturday morning as there are about 3 different things happening at the same time... I don’t mind but it’s those little things they don’t remember. It’s not like I’m a normal tenant, I also need to be on hand to help out etc. Can’t come and go as I please.

On the plus side the busy period at work is almost over! Things should be more normal next week though that makes me worry I’ll become more aware of the comments and goings on around me. Work has been a really good distraction.

ryanm8655

stymied said:

I read the comment about how much you must have saved as being how cheaply you were able to live with them compared to your previous lifestyle in London in order to have been able to pay off so much so quickly, not about how much you now have in the bank. And I think you’re right that they’re feeling like you owe them for that even though you have contributed so much already and a lot of it has been due to the sacrifices you’ve made as much as the lower housing cost.
Congrats on being debt free & the amazing sounding flat!

I didn’t really think about it like that but in the wider context of the conversation I don’t think they meant it like that but may have done ha.

But yeah, no acknowledgement of the non-monetary costs/sacrifices. I know I’m an economist so my job is to think about the wider benefits and costs of things but it is frustrating. This evening, for example, I needed to be on hand to help with homework as it was something they couldn’t help with, so I skipped the gym to help out. It’s minor but it still saves them the stress of having to figure it out.

IrishSean

Thx for your reply Ryan; that info on good value aftershave & EDTs will be super useful for the money savers here💪. I sprayed on a bit of the Next EDT my DW bought me as an everyday wear; it's not great lol. The others I've checked out for £30 & less show there are some awesome fragrances for less money.

Funny that people still buy Fahrenheit or Chanel No. 5 (I'm not keen on either). 
That said when I discovered Aqua Di Gio 17, 18 years ago I was married to it, it's just a perfect scent for me. Still hard to get it for decent money, although post christmas gift sets are a great way to pick up scents for lesser ££👍👌💪

I'm hoping there is a bit of absence making hearts grow fonder when you move. Home was a port in your financial storm; relations can really improve when ppl dont live together.
My siblings are older & very set in their opinions (& prejudices, lol). I'm hoping for long term live & let live but cant see it happen. I had a sibling in financial trouble years ago, found out by accident he went to every1 for help except us. It was a pride thing but also passive aggressive; attitude of I need help, just dont want / need it from you...🤨🤪🤯

Onwards & upwards for you fella🤙

ryanm8655

IrishSean said:

Thx for your reply Ryan; that info on good value aftershave & EDTs will be super useful for the money savers here💪. I sprayed on a bit of the Next EDT my DW bought me as an everyday wear; it's not great lol. The others I've checked out for £30 & less show there are some awesome fragrances for less money.

Funny that people still buy Fahrenheit or Chanel No. 5 (I'm not keen on either). 
That said when I discovered Aqua Di Gio 17, 18 years ago I was married to it, it's just a perfect scent for me. Still hard to get it for decent money, although post christmas gift sets are a great way to pick up scents for lesser ££👍👌💪

I'm hoping there is a bit of absence making hearts grow fonder when you move. Home was a port in your financial storm; relations can really improve when ppl dont live together.
My siblings are older & very set in their opinions (& prejudices, lol). I'm hoping for long term live & let live but cant see it happen. I had a sibling in financial trouble years ago, found out by accident he went to every1 for help except us. It was a pride thing but also passive aggressive; attitude of I need help, just dont want / need it from you...🤨🤪🤯

Onwards & upwards for you fella🤙

I pick up most of my bargains in fragrance groups on Facebook. Can get bottles that have been opened and sprayed a few times for a fraction of the price they cost new usually.

I think that will be the case re: distance and hearts. It’s maybe not as bad as it comes across in here, it’s just very up and down. One moment things seem good, the next things are on tenterhooks. But there has been a general change in vibe from one person in particular but they’ve changed a lot in the time I’ve been here and been through a lot (cancer, surgical menopause, other adult self destructing and losing it when cancer happened so not being able to rely on them and trying to hold it together - why I had to step up, though I think they forget about that now - now further health issues and a lot of anxiety about the kids having no parents in a few years time). They’ve really been through the ringer as a family, though I think they forget how helpful I’ve been when the !!!!!! really hits the fan. 

I woke up wondering whether that saving reference was about how much I’ve saved versus London now ha. I think possibly that is what they meant...would make more sense...they did say something about shared ownership (gone off of that idea now). They said, way back when when I was viewed as more of an asset, even though I wasn’t paying rent, about staying here until I had a deposit saved so it might have been some kind of guilt about essentially saying I need to go in as nice a way as possible

enthusiasticsaver

I think you are doing the right thing going as soon as possible as it is beginning to sound as if they think they should be given more than their due.  The trouble with loose arrangements like paying for groceries, fuel for driving people around and the odd purchase for the family is that they don't always see that stuff.  All they see is the hard cash you actually give them in their pocket.  I had to laugh about the increased energy cost which is undoubtedly because it has got colder and costs them no more to heat the house with you in it.  The small amount your laptop must use is negligible in cost terms.  I expect they will find out when you have left how much you really contribute in practical terms and in monetary values. Just stay focused  on what you need to do to start off in your new place with the deposit and minimal costs for setting it up. You have been there a year which is probably more than enough for them and for you.