Anger Management

ska_lover

I have some thoughts, I do hope you don't mind me contributing, but I will just be as honest as I can (and how I see things).

My responses in red

stormbreaker wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I’m in contact with her every other day out of a sense of duty! In a weird way I still care?


The sense of duty contacts are the worst, they are begrudging and resentful. You do not have to speak to her so often to show that you do care. Is it always you that phones her?

The conversations are very short. She is rarely going out these days and I do feel a bit guilty. The last time I think I saw her I had taken her out for lunch and she was unbelievably cutting about my father (they were together 50+ he died 2005) and totally uncalled for. I really had to bite my tongue.Maybe you should stop biting your tongue. Unless she is senile, or has dementia, she will know the effects of these words so no excuses are needed ''just because shes old'' or ''just because she is your mum''..................i mean does she show the same courtesy to you - 'I will speak to her with dignity and respect, because she is my daughter.''
Would you put up with that from anyone else - a friend for example, you take them out for lunch and they spend the entire time trying to pee you off??

People stay in all kinds of abusive relationships because words like 'love' or 'family' are twisted about

As for the suggestion of group messages and keeping up to date, my mother and middle sister are not on the internet and my eldest rarely uses it. I am the go between with extended family because of this. I am on fb, messenger, Instagram and what’s app. Ok this one, you are putting yourself in this situation (sorry to be blunt on this one as I do feel your genuine pain) but come off of those social media monsters. Give yourself a break. You do not HAVE to be the go - between. That really is of your own making - so STOP BEING A MARTYR (again, sorry to be blunt, I am not trying to be mean - just give you a shake up, for the positive cause) - it seems your entire family are using you as a scape goat and you are letting them

I’m often grateful that she is still able to lead a fairly independent life. That is great, but if and when she is not, that still, is not your (on your own) issue to jump in on - it is her/the entire family not just you

I’ll try cutting down on phone canals as the rage I felt this morning was all consuming I really think you should.
Be kinder to yourself, seriously. Not everyones family is like the Waltons and sometimes those of us whose families do not measure up, keep trying and trying , like hitting your head against a brick wall - when there is nowt there but pain

YOU have more power than you think. Stop being the family scape goat, stop the regular contact. Stop putting yourself in that position SEIZE THE POWER.

oystercatcher

I don't have any answers OP but I do understand.

My mother somehow seems to make me rage inside but there is this inexplicable sense of duty so I carry on visiting and caring and having occasional outbursts when the anger bursts out. She has always been very controlling and makes such cutting remarks when she doesn't like what I have done. She remembers things that happened years and years ago and aren't forgiven. Little comments dig deep !

Now she is unwell and needs more care and I have slipped into a major depression because I feel so trapped by my sense of duty to help her I think she knows I don't want to be there and this makes things even more difficult.

People say don't visit but it's not that simple , she needs shopping , needs food and refuses to order online, refuses to go by taxi, she will walk and maybe collapse and then it will be my fault because I didn't take her ..... etc , many variations on a theme, emotional blackmail probably , because she is the mother and I am the child I have to do as told ...... probably need counselling but there is not time because all my energy is spent looking after her ...

OK this is a bit over dramatised but I will be following and hoping to read some answers other than don't contact.

heartbreak_star

oystercatcher wrote: »

People say don't visit but it's not that simple , she needs shopping , needs food and refuses to order online, refuses to go by taxi, she will walk and maybe collapse and then it will be my fault because I didn't take her ..... etc , many variations on a theme, emotional blackmail probably , because she is the mother and I am the child I have to do as told ...... probably need counselling but there is not time because all my energy is spent looking after her ...

Ye gods I feel this.

"I'm going to the football tonight mum, I've never been - my friend got a free extra ticket and thought I might enjoy it"

"Oh...well I'll be sitting in, on my own, watching the telly, feeling lonely, you know...like I always do..."

She has a better social life than I do and it was the one night she'd been in the house all week! ARGH!

HBS x

Mojisola

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Ye gods I feel this.

"I'm going to the football tonight mum, I've never been - my friend got a free extra ticket and thought I might enjoy it"

"Oh...well I'll be sitting in, on my own, watching the telly, feeling lonely, you know...like I always do..."

She has a better social life than I do and it was the one night she'd been in the house all week! ARGH!

Knowing what she's like, have some stock answers ready - "Just like me yesterday and the day before and the day before ..." and "Have you stopped going to X, Y and Z then?"

onwards&upwards

oystercatcher wrote: »

People say don't visit but it's not that simple , she needs shopping , needs food and refuses to order online, refuses to go by taxi, she will walk and maybe collapse and then it will be my fault because I didn't take her ..... etc , many variations on a theme, emotional blackmail probably , because she is the mother and I am the child I have to do as told ...... probably need counselling but there is not time because all my energy is spent looking after her ...

People who don’t have kids have to manage!

Mojisola

oystercatcher wrote: »

Now she is unwell and needs more care and I have slipped into a major depression because I feel so trapped by my sense of duty to help her

People say don't visit but it's not that simple , she needs shopping , needs food and refuses to order online, refuses to go by taxi, she will walk and maybe collapse and then it will be my fault because I didn't take her ..... etc , many variations on a theme, emotional blackmail probably

Definitely emotional blackmail - and it's very nasty and destructive.

Her refusal to use options that are available are not your fault. Anything that happens to her as a result of her decisions are not your fault.

What would happen if you became too ill to help her?

ska_lover

oystercatcher wrote: »

She remembers things that happened years and years ago and aren't forgiven. Little comments dig deep !

.

Gosh this rang true for me

My mother always used to drag things up, that me, or one of my siblings had done wrong, when we were children or teenagers - so decades had passed, and most of the time, long forgotten for us siblings...and dwell on how she was heartbroken over that broken ornament or whatever

Every single misdemeanour was/still is - logged in a cabinet in her head labelled 'resentment'...to which only she holds the key - and as far as I am concerned, she can keep it.

I am sure this would still be going on, if we were in contact.

KxMx

To be fair I think most parents bring up stuff from when their kids were growing up. I know both mine do and are so predictable I usually can guess which story they're about to tell (for the hundredth time) before they start.

Obviously some parents use that as a weapon sadly while others do it to reminisce more generally.

sn1987a

I agree with everyone else, reduce the number of times you call her. you can reduce them gradually if you don't want to cut down to once per week immediately. For a couple of weeks you call her twice, then you drop to once per week, then even once every other week. If she needs to talk to you or she needs something, she will call you. You need to take care of yourself before you try to help others (your mum).


I suggest you visit your gp regarding depression and anger management. If you have depression, you need help. A friend of mine asked help from the gp regarding anger management and he was referred to an organisation. He attended some anger management sessions for a few weeks. There are also a lot of books that could help you. The idea is to find ways to deal with these emotions. As others said, you should discuss with your mum how she makes you feel, don't keep everything to yourself.


Family relationships can be tricky. Good luck!

paddy's_mum

stormbreaker wrote: »

she was unbelievably cutting about my father .... totally uncalled for. I really had to bite my tongue.

Why? She didn't.

Do as you would be done by is as valid today as it's always been.