Anger Management

pickledonionspaceraider

stormbreaker wrote: »

Her words were ‘I heard that you’ve given up ‘another’ job’

I pointed out this was the first!

But you didn't need to say anything - to justify your actions.

It is kind of contradictory that you speak to her every other day, yet tell her the bare minimum. They must be very stilted conversations about the weather etc

I do not understand why you call her so frequently. It is not doing you any good! You are punishing yourself

You really need to think long and hard about all this and why you stay in contact - what are you getting out of this continued relationship?

I haven't spoken to my Mother in several years. She would always be quick with put downs - always to females in the family.

Me and my sister were subjected to a lot of humiliation and it took a long while to realise that, the boys were not subjected to this

Even at my wedding, there were a lot of issues caused by her which I won't go in to here, but it really made me see her in a different light - and it was not long after that, that we stopped speaking - we didn't argue...we just drifted on a few months without ringing, before you know it a year had gone by etc

lisyloo

Why are you calling her every other day?
If it’s to make sure she’s ok, is there’s another way that could be achieved?

My MIL is in a care home and we aren’t able to visit as often as other family members.
We have a facebook messenger groups where we all post updates and pictures when there is anything good or bad to say.

oldernonethewiser

You might find that counselling works for you to help you deal with the issues.


You can't change your mother you can only change yourself and your behaviour. You can learn what triggers certain reactions in you and how to cope with them.


Personally I found counselling to be one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

suejb2

Not an expert, but if it hurts when you lift your arm up...don’t lift your arm up !
Don’t enable /allow your mum to hurt/upset/ bother you by phoning her so often, halve it.

onwards&upwards

stormbreaker wrote: »

No but I’ll google it.

Sorry I don’t quite understand the rest of your post

If you are suggesting I cut the cord, I think I’ve left it too late. Her age is starting to show. I already feel guilt that I don’t see much of her and I don’t pander to her every need any more.

Do you feel guilty about all the other elderly women in the world that you don’t see much of?

Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you owe her anything. If she wants you to care about her perhaps she should be a bit nicer to you!

stormbreaker

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I’m in contact with her every other day out of a sense of duty! In a weird way I still care? The conversations are very short. She is rarely going out these days and I do feel a bit guilty. The last time I think I saw her I had taken her out for lunch and she was unbelievably cutting about my father (they were together 50+ he died 2005) and totally uncalled for. I really had to bite my tongue.

As for the suggestion of group messages and keeping up to date, my mother and middle sister are not on the internet and my eldest rarely uses it. I am the go between with extended family because of this. I am on fb, messenger, Instagram and what’s app.

I’m often grateful that she is still able to lead a fairly independent life.

I’ll try cutting down on phone calls as the rage I felt this morning was all consuming.

Sea_Shell

Next time you ring, end the conversation with "I'll ring you again next week, ok bye".

Try to, at least, get to just one call a week max.

Does she ever ring you? Or is it expected that it'll always be you ringing her?

Alternatively, just leave it ..if she needs you, she knows where you are!!

Some parents assume you 'owe' them something, without realising that relationships need to be a two way thing, out of love, not obligation.

Sea_Shell

I've found that as relatives age, they can lose their social filters... they're past caring what others think/feel.

They bluntly say what comes into their head, without thought of how it might be taken/interpreted by others.

I'm starting to learn that sometimes the answer is to be blunt back.

Be firm, don't mince your words and try not to let them push your buttons.

Hard I know. Good luck.

stormbreaker

Sea_Shell wrote: »

I've found that as relatives age, they can lose their social filters... they're past caring what others think/feel.

They bluntly say what comes into their head, without thought of how it might be taken/interpreted by others.

I'm starting to learn that sometimes the answer is to be blunt back.

Be firm, don't mince your words and try not to let them push your buttons.

Hard I know. Good luck.

Not sure she has ever had any ‘social filters’ . I can also be blunt with her. I’ve needed to be.

OH is doing the honours of taking her to an appointment tomorrow. I’ll see her Monday as I’m playing taxi for her and a cousin to another cousins funeral.

Sea_Shell

How is she with you OH? Nice as pie, or just as bad.

I'm sure you don't, but please do not make/let your OH feel any obligation to her either, if they feel it's getting too much for them too.