I [33/m] told my gf [31/f] I don't know if I ever want to get married and she's distanced herself

Pollycat

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

It's not a punishment to not get married. It is entirely possible in the 21st century to have a lifelong, committed, loving relationship without being married.

I don't believe I said it was a punishment.
My comment was about not wanting to get married again because of a previous bad experience.

Kynthia

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

It's not a punishment to not get married. It is entirely possible in the 21st century to have a lifelong, committed, loving relationship without being married.

It's also possible to believe that sign of commitment and legal status as a couple is very important. The most important thing is for both people to feel the same way about something so important. If they don't it's hard to have a successful and happy relationship.

Ergates

Kynthia wrote: »

It's also possible to believe that sign of commitment and legal status as a couple is very important. The most important thing is for both people to feel the same way about something so important. If they don't it's hard to have a successful and happy relationship.

They don't really need to feel the same, they just need to not feel the opposite.

e.g. if one person is dead set on marriage and one person is indifferent - that shouldn't be a problem.

Poor_Single_lady

Maybe not in Paper. But in reality Indifference is likely to lead to problems. Indifference will be the dominating force and the end result is no wedding. Had this in my last relationship and it definitely was a problem.

It does help if you are both of a similar mindset on marriage and children.

People are different - she might have been expecting things that you weren't prepared to give. Or maybe you had given her the impression marriage was on the cards and now you have pulled the rug out from under her - and she might be considering her options. She might need some space.

Gavin83

Ergates wrote: »

e.g. if one person is dead set on marriage and one person is indifferent - that shouldn't be a problem.

Depends on how traditional they are and who's indifferent. If it's the type of woman who really wants to get married but believes it should always be the man asking and the man is indifferent, it might never happen.

CharllieSays

Hate to say it, but LDRs very rarely work out in the long run, even if both parties are set on marriage. Occasionally meeting up, after weeks/months of excited planning, both on your best behaviour, in an idealistic setting (at least one of you will be in 'holiday' mode) is very different to seeing someone a few times a week after a stressful day at work over a few years and testing how well you get on in boring, less rose-tinted every day situations. You don't get to know someone properly in an LDR, and objectively judging whether your partner is a good match is hard enough as it is. Two years isn't long enough for a regular relationship (the infatuation phase wears off around the three year mark), let alone a LDR one.

Honestly, I would say break it off and move on if you are already on different pages in terms of future goals. Even if you weren't, I would advise one of you relocating to the other's country for a few years to work and essentially restarting the whole relationship to see how things work out in close proximity.

username12345678

Tell her you've had a re-think and you are open to marriage but because of your previous experience you want a pre-nup.

You will soon find out how keen she is on the actual institution.

System

OP - PM me, I coach men on tricky situations like this. LDRs rarely work. I'd like to know a little more about why she's so wants to get married after two years in a LDR.

sammyjammy

andydownes123 wrote: »

OP - PM me, I coach men on tricky situations like this. LDRs rarely work. I'd like to know a little more about why she's so wants to get married after two years in a LDR.

Maybe its the fact that the possibility of marriage is off the table and that's important to her, we don't know how often they meet up. There is on point continuing the relationship if this is a deal breaker for her, perhaps she feels like she's wasted her time in a long term relationship that has no future (as far as she is concerned).

Robisere

CharllieSays wrote: »

Hate to say it, but LDRs very rarely work out in the long run, even if both parties are set on marriage. Occasionally meeting up, after weeks/months of excited planning, both on your best behaviour, in an idealistic setting (at least one of you will be in 'holiday' mode) is very different to seeing someone a few times a week after a stressful day at work over a few years and testing how well you get on in boring, less rose-tinted every day situations. You don't get to know someone properly in an LDR, and objectively judging whether your partner is a good match is hard enough as it is. Two years isn't long enough for a regular relationship (the infatuation phase wears off around the three year mark), let alone a LDR one.

Honestly, I would say break it off and move on if you are already on different pages in terms of future goals. Even if you weren't, I would advise one of you relocating to the other's country for a few years to work and essentially restarting the whole relationship to see how things work out in close proximity.

THIS ^^^^^^^
and THIS: - " We live in other countries and have been discussing closing the distance. "

You will never know if this relationship will work, until and unless you have lived together (or at least met daily) for some time. You can't know anyone properly, until you have known them intimately for a long enough period for them to know you and vice-versa.