Friend making terrible mistake

onwards&upwards

gomer wrote: »

A cautionary tale for you - I once thought it only right to tell my friend that a number of our circle of friends had caught his gf cheating on him - i mean with her knickers down quite literally. He initially thanked me, then never spoke to me again because she convinced him i was jealous of them and was just trying to split them up.

It never lasted. He later found out his son wasn't actually his, all too late. We were right. He was making a terrible mistake & she wasn't right for him but if i could go back in time i would have kept out of it. It wasn't worth loosing my friend over. Sometimes they don't thank you for doing what you thought was right.

You still did the right thing there. Evidence of cheating is different to a more vague ‘don’t like him he’s bad for you’.

onwards&upwards

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

It must be awfully frustrating. There are some terrible men out there, which is sadly just how it is, but why on Earth do seemingly sensible women decide to have children with them?

Lol, always the woman’s fault, amiright? :cool: :rotfl:

Kentish_Dave

No, a man being a bad person is their fault alone, but it’s a mystery to me why women keep falling for them.

unholyangel

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

No, a man being a bad person is their fault alone, but it’s a mystery to me why women keep falling for them.

Psychological manipulation.

Abusers are not abusive from day 1 and nor are they abusive every day. They're usually very charming so when they do slip the first time, its so at odds with the man/woman they love that they're more susceptible to excuses and apologies.

It gets more complicated from there but eventually, the victim is constantly on the defensive so their mind is too preoccupied to objectively dissect whats going on. And even if they could, the abusers worn down their confidence so much that they don't trust their own judgement.

Caraway90

Sorry for slow reply and thank you for everyone’s responses, it has given me a lot to think about. Something I hadn’t considered when I wrote the original post was that my friend has/will be soon receiving an inheritance.
If they are married and then divorce will he have a claim on some of this money?
Sorry I don’t know how or if is you can quote from a mobile, but they allowed him to live in their house as he was sleeping on his parents sofa so I suppose they were happy for him to move in as that was better.
As unholyangel says, he wasn’t always like this. In fact your whole post rings true of the situation I feel my friend is in. It’s so sad but she doesn’t seem to listen to anyone.

Mojisola

Caraway90 wrote: »

Something I hadn’t considered when I wrote the original post was that my friend has/will be soon receiving an inheritance.
If they are married and then divorce will he have a claim on some of this money?

Not immediately - but if he's a controlling sort, he won't need to wait for a divorce, he'll be able to convince her that it makes sense to transfer some (or all) of the money into his name or to use it to pay for things he wants.

I've got a friend in the same position as you - all of the friends thought there was something 'off' about their friend's fiance but she thought he was the best thing ever until this week when she didn't do something he wanted and he dragged her downstairs by her hair.

Luckily, the friends are still around and are supporting her and hoping desperately that he doesn't talk her round to going back to him.

Kentish_Dave

unholyangel wrote: »

Psychological manipulation.

Abusers are not abusive from day 1 and nor are they abusive every day. They're usually very charming so when they do slip the first time, its so at odds with the man/woman they love that they're more susceptible to excuses and apologies.

It gets more complicated from there but eventually, the victim is constantly on the defensive so their mind is too preoccupied to objectively dissect whats going on. And even if they could, the abusers worn down their confidence so much that they don't trust their own judgement.

I suppose that that’s possible, but ai remember all the way back to school women falling for men who were clearly unsuitable right from the start, it was almost like they were attracted to the fact that they were clearly bad people.

My group of friends were the “good” kids, worked hard at school, polite to adults, honest etc, but even in our group some of the women would go off with the worst sot.

One good friend of mine went out with an older bloke with a conviction for armed robbery, and then moved on to a guy who is now a well known cage fighter who used to hit her. He’d been in trouble with the police multiple times.

Everyone, and I mean everyone knew he was dirt, yet she pursued him.

Pollycat

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

I suppose that that’s possible, but ai remember all the way back to school women falling for men who were clearly unsuitable right from the start, it was almost like they were attracted to the fact that they were clearly bad people.

My group of friends were the “good” kids, worked hard at school, polite to adults, honest etc, but even in our group some of the women would go off with the worst sot.

One good friend of mine went out with an older bloke with a conviction for armed robbery, and then moved on to a guy who is now a well known cage fighter who used to hit her. He’d been in trouble with the police multiple times.

Everyone, and I mean everyone knew he was dirt, yet she pursued him.

There's a difference - a big difference - between falling for a wrong 'un and being in a coercive relationship.
Unholyangel describes it very well.

MEM62

Caraway90 wrote: »

I am so worried about her, I want to talk to her about how concerned we all are but I'm not sure how to go about this?

If she is that good a friend a "we are really worried and are you sure?" conversation should not be difficult (I have had similar conversations with a pal of mine on several occasions) but have you not left it a little late? I am wondering why you did not have that conversation some time ago. As she will already be incumbered with the consequences of her decisions for the foreseeable future (in debt and a child on the way) phrases involving bolting horses and closing gates spring to mind.

Caraway90

MEM62 wrote: »

If she is that good a friend a "we are really worried and are you sure?" conversation should not be difficult (I have had similar conversations with a pal of mine on several occasions) but have you not left it a little late? I am wondering why you did not have that conversation some time ago. As she will already be incumbered with the consequences of her decisions for the foreseeable future (in debt and a child on the way) phrases involving bolting horses and closing gates spring to mind.

I understand what you're saying. With regards to the child she didn't tell anyone they were trying for a baby, which I appareciate is a personal thing and do not expect people to annouce they are trying for a baby. However, this meant when we found out we couldn't tell her not to have baby. The marriage we only found about last week. I do appreciate it may be too late, but things have got graudually worse over time.