Friend making terrible mistake

Caraway90

Hi MSEers,

Just after some advice on this situation. My friend, who I have known forever, is with a man that all her family and me (not sure about her other friends as I don't know them) think is awful. There are various reasons for this, such as, what I think is verging on financial abuse, or at least some very questionable financial decisions. She has taken out loans solely in her name but for his use. They are in debt and have had baliffs take a car away. They live at her parents home, which is not big enough for 5 adults (she has a sibling at home). The man suggested they have a baby without them having their own place to live, so she is now pregnant. They are also getting married (!!) at the end of this month, registry office with only a few members of his family there, none of hers.
I am so worried about her, I want to talk to her about how concerned we all are but I'm not sure how to go about this?
Any advice is really appreciated.

oystercatcher

To be honest, she is a grown adult and fit and able to make her own decisions. I doubt anything you can say will make any difference.

Maybe you could go on a girls night out and say "Are you sure?" but I would be very careful with saying too many negative things about her partner as you may just lose a friend.

The best thing to do is listen, encourage any 'good ideas' be 'not sure about that' with any bad ideas and really only give an honest opinion if it is genuinely asked for.

Meanwhile be ready with tissues and hugs for when it all goes horribly wrong. Although I hope it doesn't for your friends sake.

lika_86

Given that she's pregnant and getting married, you're too late to voice concerns about her choice of partner now. Make sure she knows that you're always there for her if she needs anything and just wait and hope it works out.

Pollycat

Why are her family enabling this behaviour by allowing this chap they don't like to live in their house?
Shouldn't it be her Mum & Dad who talk to her about all your concerns regarding her partner?
Given that she is pregnant and getting married soon, I think the horse has well and truly bolted.
You and her family should be prepared to be ready to pick up the pieces - because it's most likely that it will be necessary.

gomer

As hard as this will be for you, i think this might be a case where the test of your true friendship will come if you are still there for her after it all goes wrong, rather than risking losing the friendship by potentially being seen to be interfering with her relationship.

You may think he is wrong for her. You may think she is making a terrible mistake. She doesn't. And that's the point.


A cautionary tale for you - I once thought it only right to tell my friend that a number of our circle of friends had caught his gf cheating on him - i mean with her knickers down quite literally. He initially thanked me, then never spoke to me again because she convinced him i was jealous of them and was just trying to split them up.

It never lasted. He later found out his son wasn't actually his, all too late. We were right. He was making a terrible mistake & she wasn't right for him but if i could go back in time i would have kept out of it. It wasn't worth loosing my friend over. Sometimes they don't thank you for doing what you thought was right.

The mark of a true friendship is being there for them when it does all go wrong rather than trying to live their life for them. This may be her mistake she needs to make to learn to make better choices in men in future.

DrivingMissDaisy

I feel you need to be open and say what you've written here to your friend. A true friend is honest. Also, be there for her if she doesn't heed your advice. Testing times for your friendship but copping out (like few other posters have suggested) isn't a sign of a true friend.

Mojisola

DrivingMissDaisy wrote: »

I feel you need to be open and say what you've written here to your friend. A true friend is honest. Also, be there for her if she doesn't heed your advice. Testing times for your friendship but copping out (like few other posters have suggested) isn't a sign of a true friend.

gomer wrote: »

A cautionary tale for you - I once thought it only right to tell my friend that a number of our circle of friends had caught his gf cheating on him - i mean with her knickers down quite literally. He initially thanked me, then never spoke to me again because she convinced him i was jealous of them and was just trying to split them up.

If Caraway90 is forthright about what she thinks, her friend might not want her around and then won't have the support she will need when things do go wrong.

tacpot12

Mojisola wrote: »

If Caraway90 is forthright about what she thinks, her friend might not want her around and then won't have the support she will need when things do go wrong.

The OP could tell her friend, if she wants to raise her concerns, that she will support her friend is doing whatever she wants to do; carry on getting married, separate, or just refuse to be manipulated into making more financial mistakes.

It will be a difficult conversation, but approached with compassion and concern for the friend, it might be survivable.

Kentish_Dave

It must be awfully frustrating. There are some terrible men out there, which is sadly just how it is, but why on Earth do seemingly sensible women decide to have children with them?

gomer

Mojisola wrote: »

If Caraway90 is forthright about what she thinks, her friend might not want her around and then won't have the support she will need when things do go wrong.

Precisely my point. Hence why sometimes it's better to hold your tongue.

Pollycat

tacpot12 wrote: »

The OP could tell her friend, if she wants to raise her concerns, that she will support her friend is doing whatever she wants to do; carry on getting married, separate, or just refuse to be manipulated into making more financial mistakes.

It will be a difficult conversation, but approached with compassion and concern for the friend, it might be survivable.

And it might not.
As someone who did 'raise her concerns' to a friend - after deciding not to 'cop out' as mentioned by DrivingMissDaisy - about the man she was seeing, I was told in no uncertain terms that it was none of my business and to stay away.
No amount of attempts at bridge-building worked.
Even after it all went pear-shaped for her.

So my suggestion of 'copping out' - if you want to call it that - is based on personal experience.