Toddler tantrums

pinkshoes

This is more about saving my sanity rather than money saving.

I have a 3.5 year old who spends most the day screaming and having tantrums. This morning he screamed as soon as he came in my room at 6.30am because I hadn't put the pillow in the middle of the bed for him (I was asleep...), then he screamed because his porridge was in the wrong coloured bowl. He screamed this morning because his drink bottle was empty and I couldn't refill it in 3 seconds (I was trying to clear up as well as do stuff for his brother and sister), he screamed at me at lunch time because I cut his cheese the wrong shape, and the bread stick was broken (he dropped the packet). He spent all lunch screaming at me as I could not magically fix it. He always refuses to say please or thank you, and if you ask him to he just has a complete screaming melt down.

The health visitor referred him to the paediatric doctor for assessment, but family just say he is a lovely boy and will grow out of it, an my husband just thinks he is a miserable toddler.

Is his behaviour honestly normal?? I seem to be the only one that feels his behaviour is not typical of a toddler and I'm starting to go insane being constantly screamed at.

He saves most his anger and aggression for me rather than other people, and has fewer meltdowns when we are out and about with things to distract him. This is expensive with 3 kids!!

Any help appreciated!!

pollyanna24

What do you do when he has a meltdown? Do you rush to try and appease him or sort out whatever it is that he tantruming about?

I know it is easier for me now out the other side, but with my two girls, I found that it came down to who was more stubborn, me or them?

I found the more they tantrummed, the less I cared about what they "wanted" and so it was counter productive for them. Of course, sometimes my parents said that I was stooping to their level, but hey it worked.

pinkshoes

pollyanna24 wrote: »

What do you do when he has a meltdown? Do you rush to try and appease him or sort out whatever it is that he tantruming about?

I know it is easier for me now out the other side, but with my two girls, I found that it came down to who was more stubborn, me or them?

I found the more they tantrummed, the less I cared about what they "wanted" and so it was counter productive for them. Of course, sometimes my parents said that I was stooping to their level, but hey it worked.

I ignore most tantrums if I can but it just escalates and goes on for ages, coughing so much he is sick.

His twin sister has tantrums but what I would call typical toddler tantrums e.g. she asks for something and I say no!

DS2's tantrums are over such random things and he has often got himself into such a state I cannot even work out what is actually bothering him let alone help him.

It is having a huge impact on family life.

His reaction to having a crumb up his sleeve is the same as a toddler reacts to having say a finger being trapped in the door!

Mojisola

pinkshoes wrote: »

I have a 3.5 year old who spends most the day screaming and having tantrums.

The health visitor referred him to the paediatric doctor for assessment, but family just say he is a lovely boy and will grow out of it, an my husband just thinks he is a miserable toddler.

I seem to be the only one that feels his behaviour is not typical of a toddler and I'm starting to go insane being constantly screamed at.

You're the one who is with him most and on the receiving end of his tantrums - trust your own judgment - if you think there's something wrong, see the doctor.

For your own sanity, can you get someone to take over from you for a few hours a week? It will give you a break and reduce your stress.

GreenQueen

I think you should take up the referral - HV will have seen many more different children and families, and obviously thinks this is necessary. As you have two other children who don't behave like this, there is something about your DS's tantrums which warrants a closer look.

My DD was always seen as a difficult child, and as she is an only one, I had doubts about my parenting ability. Going through school, her teachers encouraged us to get referred to EdPsych/ peads, and the first time we were fobbed off, saying that she had a "lively, challenging personality". When things at school didn't improve, we eventually managed to get an ADHD diagnosis, and the treatment and support that is accessible once we had that diagnosis has made a huge difference.

I have a lot of well-meaning friends and acquaintances who are quick at giving advice, which is good for their neuro-typical offspring, but is not necessarily appropriate in our situation.

As PP said, trust your instincts as a mother, and be as assertive as you can. Sounds as if your HV is in your corner, identify the good guys and ask them for as much support as is available.

Blackpool_Saver

I think you know there is more to this than is usual, good luck with the assessment

pinkshoes

Thank you for the kind words.

My gut instinct is that his behaviour is not right. It cannot be nice for him spending so much time being upset.

The constant distractions to prevent meltdowns are exhausting.

When he is in a familiar environment he is far worse, probably because less distractions due to familiarity.

There is not understanding of time with him. If he wants something, it is NOW, and cannot understand if it cannot be done within seconds. This includes car journey where he will just scream endlessly if he drops something and demands I pick it up, which is not possible when driving.

Only 4.5 weeks of holidays left. If i could afford to put him in nursery one day a week I would, but that is not an option.

When he is not screaming he is lovely. Quirky, but lovely!

Mojisola

pinkshoes wrote: »

family just say he is a lovely boy and will grow out of it

pinkshoes wrote: »

Only 4.5 weeks of holidays left. If i could afford to put him in nursery one day a week I would, but that is not an option.

Get some of the family to step up - even if they just give you a couple of hours on a weekend day, it will be bliss for you to step away from the stress.

Dymphna60

HV must think there could be something to refer him .
You have my sympathies. My first child screamed and screamed on and on for hours if something wasn’t to his liking. It was exhausting. This was many years ago . I thought from he was very young that there was something not quite right but HV said I was depressed and then when all the screaming started investigating for abuse . Frightening.
Within hours of starting school they were on the phone asking me what was wrong with him . Had a raft of referrals, no diagnosis just that he was very unusual. He remains a very unusual adult.
Trust your instincts.

CRANKY40

Get hold of a copy of "Toddler Taming" by Dr Christopher Green. When he was 3 my now 14 year old banged his head on the floor when something happened that he wasn't happy about. Toddler taming helped me deal with it (he never did it at nursery, only at home with me).

It does sound like some sort of sensory issue though. especially with the "crumb up the sleeve" thing and his cheese being the wrong shape. I had to cut all the labels out of my son's clothes until he was about 9 as they all irritated him. Maybe try pre-empting some of the things he gets upset about? Ask him to come and choose what bowl he wants (he's 3 so ask him to choose what bowls the others are having too, assuming they don't have a preference). Turn his problems into jobs if you can. Let him cut his own cheese (with you holding the knife as well obviously). I do know that what should be a 5 minute job turns into a 15 minute job with a toddler "helping" though so it may not always be possible.

What calms him down? I used to be sent to sit in the hall on my own when I was small so I did the same with my own sensory pest. There's no point having a naughty step if they're too beside themself to sit on it. Mine used to march up and down the hall muttering to himself and shouting at me but it removed us both from the possibility of the situation escalating and gave him a chance to calm down. He also has a heavy blanket which nowadays just goes over his legs at mealtimes (yes, even on hot days but he has food issues - mostly with textures). When he was younger he used to vanish under it completely for 30 minutes at a time.

If he does have sensory/behavioural problems then it's a good idea to start exploring coping strategies (for your own sake as well as his). If he's going to have the screaming ab dabs about his drink bottle then buy another one so he has two and always keep one filled on the side just to hand to him or leave it somewhere he can go and fetch it himself when he's handed you the empty one (probably over optimistic about handing the empty one in but worth trying). Having senory issues doesn't mean he won't do well at school either - mine is top of his year in English. Probably because I spent so much time talking to him in the early years trying to figure ways forward with what were problems for him but would have been minor irritations to others.

He's too little to tell you why things upset him the way that they do but to him the struggle is real. Keep talking to him and eventually it'll happen. Mine was 10 before he explained to me why he didn't like trying new foods. He said that where I could try something I didn't like and eat something else afterwards to take the taste away, he would be able to taste the thing that he didn't like for the rest of the day no matter what else he ate. That's sensory problems for you - everything is magnified and exaggerated. A lot of sensory children like "taggies" - they're like squares of soft cloth with folded ribbons sewn at intervals around the side. They feel good to touch and can be calming. There's also kimochis which might help him. Have a look at https://www.kimochis.com/ then try ebay etc to see if you can get one cheaper as they're quite expensive.

Finally, he takes it out on you because you're the centre of his world, the fixer, the person he trusts most to make things right. It's sort of a compliment, or it would be if it wsn't so exhausting. Good luck and feel free to message me if you want to ask anything else.

DigForVictory

If you are wondering, & your HV has suggested a referral, there *is* something that needs to be checked. It may or not be fixable, but it would help negotiate the unending depths of doubt & anxiety.

Cranky40 hits the nail on the head with you get the flak as you are his most-trusted most-important person. All the more reason to heed Mojisola too therefore & make (gouge, bribe, blackmail, chisel) a couple of hours to yourself exclusively as well as another couple of hours per child exclusively. OK that latter may stay a dream but miword get at least 120 minutes Me Time sorted a week.

(If kimochis help, you can sign up for their free resource support - don't blink too hard at the military section - that's for families with a serving parent.)

A medic once assured my mother that a newborn's mother first duty was to survive. Even as they outgrow being a newborn, I still reckon Your survival is absolutely critical.

And as a side order, if you can justabout cope now, when the other two hit teenage, you'll have every skill needed. Plan to outlive that bit too...