Toddler tantrums

CRANKY40

I forgot to mention that for car journeys I bought a dvd player, His dad said I was rewarding him for being horrible but as I was at the point of leaving him at the side of the road and driving off...... Incidentally it turned out that he suffers from motion sickness. Having to focus on the dvd player made him feel ok but as soon as he was big enough (aged about 4 I think) he travelled in the front with whoever was driving. No moaning since but it does mean I lost control of the in car music.

It's all a matter of perspective too. My MIL thought the head banging wasn't that bad because his father held his breath until he turned blue and passed out at that age (that's in the Toddler Taming book too). The reason that I really liked the toddler taming book by the way is that there are so many worse things that they could be doing that you end up quite relieved.

DigForVictory

I borrowed a library book entitled "Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young" - my little monster became a great deal more charming & manageable after that. It was American, & about teenagers, but it helped coax my sense of humour back out of shock..

rach_k

It's definitely worth taking up the referral, even just to check everything is okay.

I'm sure people have lots of suggestions for you so it's worth trying any you think might help, even if they seem unlikely!

When my girls were about that age, we started using timers - not for time out or anything like that, but to help them understand the concept of time. I started it when I realised that I often said, "In a minute,", "In 10 minutes," etc, but firstly, they didn't really understand that and, secondly, I think most parents use that as a delaying tactic and often stretch the time out!

Now my kids are a bit older I'll happily stretch the time as long as I can but while they were little and already didn't understand, it didn't seem very fair. Setting an egg timer meant that I kept to what I said and they could see the minutes ticking by. You just have to make sure you make realistic promises! We have animal shaped egg timers with a loud bell. Getting to set that and wait for it - often hiding it to make me jump - was often enough to divert a tantrum too.

pinkshoes

CRANKY40 wrote: »

It does sound like some sort of sensory issue though. especially with the "crumb up the sleeve" thing and his cheese being the wrong shape. I had to cut all the labels out of my son's clothes until he was about 9 as they all irritated him. Maybe try pre-empting some of the things he gets upset about? Ask him to come and choose what bowl he wants (he's 3 so ask him to choose what bowls the others are having too, assuming they don't have a preference). Turn his problems into jobs if you can. Let him cut his own cheese (with you holding the knife as well obviously). I do know that what should be a 5 minute job turns into a 15 minute job with a toddler "helping" though so it may not always be possible.

He loves "helping" so I try and get him to set the table etc... but often he cannot possibly wait more than 3 seconds for food to be cooked, so if he wants sausage and mash, it is NOW NOW NOW! I try and get him to verbally communicate what he wants and what is wrong, but he gets so worked up so quickly it is near impossible to understand him. His issues are so particular and unusual it is hard to second guess what is up, and getting it wrong makes him worse!

CRANKY40 wrote: »

What calms him down?

Mummy cuddles calms him down. Sometimes daddy cuddles. This is fine unless although it can disrupt quality time with the other kids! They are becoming very tolerant of the tantrums!

CRANKY40 wrote: »

If he does have sensory/behavioural problems then it's a good idea to start exploring coping strategies (for your own sake as well as his).

I've tried having other drinks bottles, but he is VERY particular about which one he wants. It would help if I could find them as he puts them down in bizarre places like in the dog bed, in a hedge outside etc...!

CRANKY40 wrote: »

Finally, he takes it out on you because you're the centre of his world, the fixer, the person he trusts most to make things right. It's sort of a compliment, or it would be if it wsn't so exhausting. Good luck and feel free to message me if you want to ask anything else.

Thank you so much for your post. It does feel like I take the brunt of the screaming. I resort to headphones and music sometimes to stop me loosing my sh*t with him!

I'm normally such a calm person, I can deal with the stroppiest of teenagers in the classroom yet it is so hard when it is your own child being so challenging.

Daddy is now home, so he is now 'helping' daddy with the dogs. Thankfully he loves animals and finds them quite calming.

onwards&upwards

This sounds a lot like a child I know who has since been diagnosed with a physical illness that also comes with anxiety and sensory issues alongside.

Now she is older and getting treatment she is much much calmer and happier but I remember things like crying for half an hour because a banana was peeled ‘wrong’ or because she wanted to press the button in a lift but an oblivious adult did it first. It was like she didn’t develop the adapting/coping with disappointment skills that other kids starting learning younger so the tantrums were over more ‘minor’ seeming things and carried on to an older age.

CRANKY40

My nephew was also very like your son when he was young. Things like "this is the wrong road, I don't like this road" when my sister collected him from school and took the way home that he didn't want to go down. There was a choice of two roads but the wrong road was variable from day to day. The wrong road on Monday could have been the right road on Tuesday. Sadly I understand this completely. Sometimes your head just doesn't want you to take a particular route. I suppose that your son is having the same thought process when his cheese is the wrong shape. My family have a range of ASD diagnoses. My uncle and one of my cousin's children have Aspergers, I am ADHD and so are two of my nephews. My son has sensory issues and dyscalculia.

I found that dealing with whatever was bothering my son became easier with age as his communication skills improved. When he was the same age as your son I sat with my back against the bathroom door and him on the other side of it on one memorable occasion to make sure that I kept my hands off him. We have survived though and learnt a lot of coping strategies along the way.

The food thing - these children do seem to be "extra hungry". Mine used to wake up in the night at about 2am every couple of weeks and have to have a snack before he could sleep again. It gradually tailed off to once every couple of months as he got older but it still happens every 6-8 months or so even now. When he was small if he was "over hungry" such as if a meal was late he used to get so upset he couldn't eat which just made it worse. Once I'd forced the first couple of mouthfuls in he would calm down and start to eat properly as he started to fill up. I suppose they don't deal with the sensation of hunger very well either.

Well meaning people who told me that my son was "just being naughty" waking up in the night for food didn't help when I tried talking about it, so I just stopped mentioning it. He wasn't being naughty and neither is your son. The things that upset your boy are very real problems to him which is probably why he needs the reassuring cuddles from his mum or dad. He just experiences things differently to some people. For the meal time thing could you let him have an emergency snack stash? Not a treat obviously but maybe a piece of cheese as he likes that. Let him help you put it somewhere he can reach and tell him if he's too hungry to wait for dinner he has to get his emergency snack and keep reminding him until he gets the hang of it. That would at least give you a 5 minute warning that the food kick off is on it's way.

There are things that will help, just treat it like a really hard crossword - the answer will come to you eventually as you know him best. I obviously don't so can't really suggest useful things. Just keep telling him over and over what you want like "bring your cup to mummy when it's empty, don't leave it (wherever you last found it) or fill all of them up and ask him to put them in the order that he would like to drink them then when number one has disappeared remind him that he's on to number two (four or five will give you a chance to find numbers one, two and three but personally I'd pay his siblings to bring them to you - keep a a chart and pay them their earnings once a week ) He's quirky but he's not daft. He'll get the hang of it eventually and so will you.

If you're good with stroppy teenagers we can swap if you like :rotfl: Seriously though, I'd take the teenager I have now over the three year old any day (or the four year old and the five year old). Your son's behaviour isn't a reflection of your parenting skills, although your ability to remain calm certainly is. I was also so bad at that age I'm surprised that I have a younger sister (I wouldn't have risked another if the first was like me) and when I was pregnant my dad was heard to say " I hope she has one just like her". I did :rotfl:

Savvy_Sue

What I used to do when mine were screaming was sing at them. Which they hated, although I do sing quite well! "Stop!" they would scream, and I would say / sing "I'll stop when you do."

mrgrtt123

I have a 3-year old daughter who loves to cry and scream if she is not satisfied with something, the moment I pay attention to what she does the more she repeats it. I have tried to ignore her, for some minute and she apparently stops. Maybe she did figure out that I know for a fact that it's just her way of getting attention.

Kids are dramatic and it is somehow normal. If won't work then maybe it's time for your boy to see a doctor.

bouicca21

My two could have tantrums for the olympics but pretty much on the normal spectrum of toddler behaviour. What you describe is not normal. I think your health visitor is right. Get a referral.

pollypenny

Grandson 2 was like this and can still sometimes try it on if one food touches another on his plate. DIL thought that he might be on the autistic spectrum, but he calmed down in his PreK class in school ( USA).

As hard as it might sound, supernanny, Jo Frost's techniques of ignoring bad behaviour and rewarding good will probably work. It won't be a quick job, though.

Good luck, like you I'd deal with teenagers any day!