Dad's ashes are gone

Woolington

Hi all,
we recently lost our stepdad. We are a 'blended family' - two stepchildren, two actual children. We are all executors and all beneficiaries equally.

One person instantly took over all the proceedings including the funeral - no consultation but that was okay at the time. However, we have just found that she has taken dad's ashes and is now lying about having taken them, or where they are. We strongly suspect they've been scattered already. Our side of the family are devastated. I know we can't get the moment back, and won't ever know for definite where he is, but is this legal? surely the funeral home should have checked with ALL family members? are they allowed to just release the ashes to anyone?

Robin9

The Funeral Home will only take instructions from the person who originally contacted them - that is the contract.

[Deleted User]

Woolington wrote: »

surely the funeral home should have checked with ALL family members?

There would be no way of the funeral home knowing who all the family members are, without spending months or years on tracing them via genealogy site.

The costs and waiting time of such a service wouldn't go down well with grieving relatives.

Woolington

There would be no way of the funeral home knowing who all the family members are, without spending months or years on tracing them via genealogy site.

I'm talking close family members of course! ie his children! the funeral parlour contract assumes that all close family members communicate. We were all made joint executors of the estate to help things be done in a fair and transparent way. Surely there is something to guide against this happening? for all we know she tipped him in the bin on the way home!

Robin9

The administration of the estate is a completely different issue to the funeral.

I looked after my MIL's arrangements on behalf of the family in January. Only this week have we interred her ashes (alongside FIL's whose ashes she had had kept for nearly 20 years)

I am not the executor of the will.

[Deleted User]

Woolington wrote: »

I'm talking close family members of course! ie his children!

Indeed. Who would be responsible for confirming those people and their contact details?

Woolington

I'm glad you were able to do that very lovely thing Robin9. My family and I are denied this final service to our dad - we can drink as many toasts to him in as many places as he frequented, but we'll never know where he actually rests.

Re administration of the estate being a different thing - doesn't HE, albeit his ashes, represent the estate. In theory, he's become an 'object', but the most precious one of all! it seems totally wrong for one person to decide what becomes of him when he once belonged to us all. It bloody well hurts!

Gers

Robin9 wrote: »

The Funeral Home will only take instructions from the person who originally contacted them - that is the contract.

That's the answer. Whoever orders the funeral is responsible.

When I wanted a portion of my late brother's ashes sent over from Oz the funeral home had to have confirmation from his partner. Didn't go well at first but managed it eventually.

It's unfortunate that a lot of family arguements come about during such difficult times.

Keep_pedalling

Woolington wrote: »

There would be no way of the funeral home knowing who all the family members are, without spending months or years on tracing them via genealogy site.

I'm talking close family members of course! ie his children! the funeral parlour contract assumes that all close family members communicate. We were all made joint executors of the estate to help things be done in a fair and transparent way. Surely there is something to guide against this happening? for all we know she tipped him in the bin on the way home!

There is no way a FD is going to get involved in family disputes about ashes. They will deal with whoever made the funeral arrangements with them, and hand the ashes over to that person or persons.

I know it is upsetting, but the most important thing a person leaves behind is held in the memories their loved ones, not their ashes.

Woolington

Who would be responsible for confirming those people and their contact details

that's why I mentioned executors. Perhaps the funeral parlour are shown a copy of the will and all correspondence sent to each executor?

Okay, so it's pretty unworkable. Coming at it from another direction: The funeral parlour releasing the ashes to just one person is trusting that person to do the right thing by informing the other siblings, if they don't do the right thing can they be sued?

Keep_pedalling

Woolington wrote: »

Who would be responsible for confirming those people and their contact details

that's why I mentioned executors. Perhaps the funeral parlour are shown a copy of the will and all correspondence sent to each executor?

Okay, so it's pretty unworkable. Coming at it from another direction: The funeral parlour releasing the ashes to just one person is trusting that person to do the right thing by informing the other siblings, if they don't do the right thing can they be sued?

No, and who is to say what is the right thing is? Even if the will contains instructions on what to do with the ashes, the executors are not bound by those wishes.

As my mums executor I dealt with with the funeral and the ashes were handed over to me with no involvement from my brother, although we did plan the funeral service between us and made the decision to inter her ashes in her mother and father’s burial plot, so there was no conflict on what to do with them.