I have just told my husband how much in debt I am

enthusiasticsaver

Lost_girl wrote: »

We have never had joint accounts. The debts and cards are all in my name. My name isn't on any bills or mortgage or the house. I am on target to be debt free.

Without seeing an soa or more information it is difficult to see if you are on target but presumably if you are confident in your plan and are adamant you do not want to show your DH the credit card statements you can either stick to that and tell him you have it under control or give him the information he wants. You can download a Noddle report which will show all your outstanding debts and balances from about a month ago. If he is asking to analyse every spend I would agree that this is a fruitless exercise and if you are the one repaying the debts then I am not sure why you need to do that. Your choice and that depends on how much you want to save the relationship.

Did you consolidate these debts and if so please make sure that you don't take out any more cards? That usually is no help whatsoever in clearing debt as it does not change spending behaviour which is your biggest issue.

Louoffofsparkle

Hi lost girl
This was me last October having to tell my husband how bad my debts were. But I hadn’t really started to tackle them and was having a mental breakdown.
The hardest thing is that after keeping it to yourself for so long it’s hard to open up and talk.
It might be good when he asks to see all statements to do this but focus on what your plan is for paying the debts.


What worries me is you say you aren’t on the mortgage or bills, was this deliberate? And who’s decision?

Lost_girl

His. Always his.. he felt that I came into the marriage with nothing and it was agreed that I wouldn't be. I was a graduate when we met with loans not assets. He already owned the house and the mortgage.

BabyStepper

I think there are problems with your marriage that go way beyond debt. Childcare and looking after things at home are just as important as going out to work and earning money. Neither you nor your husband seem to understand that. Fortunately the law does and being married means everything gained after the date of your wedding belongs to you both. If it ever came to separation/divorce you would be protected, I believe. (Feel free to correct me, anyone, if I'm wrong here.)

I don't know what you need from us here and I'm not even sure what you are asking about. You have debt, he now knows about it and is upset and angry with you, you are paying the debt off out of (presumably?) your own money. If your finances are separate then what does he care? Does it change your quality of life? Shared activities and holidays? What's the problem?

We don't have a fraction of the info needed to offer you any meaningful advice about the debt repayment. If you want to tell us things like:

do you have a joint budget?
do you share all expenses?
How much is your wage? How much is his wage?
What is the breakdown of all your debt? Interest rates? 0% periods?
Does he have debt too?
Why are you not on the mortgage?
How old are your children? How much care do they need? How much longer will they be at home?

If you want financial advice then do fill out an SOA and we will try to help you deal with the debt. But you have already said you are on track to be debt free.

I can't help further than this, I don't really now what you're asking. We're here though, and will help in any way we can.

Good luck.

savvy

Lost_girl wrote: »

We have never had joint accounts. The debts and cards are all in my name. My name isn't on any bills or mortgage or the house. I am on target to be debt free.

Definitely don't leave the house in that case, get some legal advice asap if the marriage can't be saved. Any idea why he wants to go back specifically 7 years ago when you have been married for 13? Especially when you told him previously that you were in debt.....he's had longer than a day to think about you being in debt and has for some reason pinpointed 7 years.

Whiterose23

It doesn't matter if you aren't on the deeds/bills/mortgage. Yours is classed as a longish marriage and the assets will be treated as 50/50. A relative is getting divorced after 16 years' marriage; she was never on the mortgage/deeds etc as he had bought and renovated the house before meeting her and was a much higher earner. Also he didn't want her on the paperwork in any way.


A court has just awarded her 50% of the assets and he's buying her out. She's only ever brought in food and paid for small extras. Plus they don't have children either together or from previous marriages. In your case, if it comes to that, you will probably be in a stronger position.


It seems to me you need to find some pride from somewhere and don't allow yourself to feel hopeless and put-upon. If it's all in your name then just tell him you'll take care of it.


I you post an SOA you'll get some excellent advice on here.

enthusiasticsaver

Lost_girl wrote: »

His. Always his.. he felt that I came into the marriage with nothing and it was agreed that I wouldn't be. I was a graduate when we met with loans not assets. He already owned the house and the mortgage.

If you have been married for 13 years that is considered a long standing marriage and you are entitled to some of these assets and similarly the debt will need to be considered on any financial split and it will not be considered to be only your debt. This may be why he is trying to ascertain what the debt was taken out for. Was it for only personal stuff or did it include things for the home or children or joint holidays etc?

Most young graduates have nothing but debt so you are not unique in that. Similarly if he was older he would obviously have more assets so I think you should give yourself a break and stop putting yourself down as much. What happens with the children? Who does the bulk of the childcare? Have you had to make sacrifices in your career to cover more home responsibilities? These are all things to consider in your financial splits.

It is not only the mortgage, house and other assets you need to consider but also pensions. I strongly suggest you get some legal advice if you decide to go ahead and separate. I would be concerned you have been in a financially abusive relationship from some of the things you have been saying about your husband.

Willing2Learn

Lost_girl wrote: »

I did tell him.. I showed him the credit cards. I have closed many of them and he wants proof.. how do I do that?

Your card providers should all have sent you a letter confirming their respective account closures. If they have not, then I suggest you 'phone them and ask them to do so.

Lost_girl wrote: »

We have never had joint accounts. The debts and cards are all in my name. My name isn't on any bills or mortgage or the house. I am on target to be debt free.

Your are on target to be debt free? That is excellent news. I hope you feel some pride in the fact that you are addressing your problem.

What is your debt-busting plan exactly? Tell us about all the steps you have taken and plan to take. Perhaps we can be of assistance to you.