I have just told my husband how much in debt I am

Lost_girl

Hi ,

I have been married for 13 years. I came into the marriage with no assets but debts as well. I had just graduated from university and I was in debt.

Debts has always been a major part of my life that I haven't been able to deal with properly. I got married, had two.kids and for a brief while things were better. However my relationship with my husband got more and more competitive....on my side.. he was the higher earner and I always felt I had to put in as much as he did. Especially for holidays and Christmas.
Plus he always made me feel that I haven't earnt the right to ask for things or demand things.. so I started getting credit cards.. and then maxing them out...etc

I am now £20000 in debt. And after years of.my husband and I not getting on... The last few months things have been pretty bad... And I asked to separate... Because he has been asking me.to show.him my accounts over and over and I refused. He knew I had debts.. I had admitted that... He didn't know how much...I have been seeing a psychotherapist for two years now and she has helped.. I have consolidated my debts and cut all my credit cards over the last 7 months and I have been paying my debt.. slowly but surely. However my husband is insisting on seeing all my accounts back to 7 years and I did show Him but so much has happened I can't even remember.. what payment is what... It did show that I have been in debt for a long time.
I admit I messed up... I am taking responsibility for my actions.. and I even offered to walk away from the marriage with nothing. My husband has always felt that he had to pay for everything and he provided the roof over my head... etc

There are so many layers to this it's hard to deal with it all. I told him today and he has been walking around really hurt and he wants to seperate. We have been talking about that for a while.. I just don't know where to go from here... He doesn't want to talk to me.. he feels relieved that he is proven right finally. I have also been suffering with depression for almost 2 years..I don't have any family support. I have been so alone in my debt and misery I don't feel any relief now....why? I don't feel like a weight is off my shoulders if anything I feel worse because he isn't good at handling things and I am worried..

Sorry about the rambling...I really feel lost and alone...

Choccygirl123

Didn't want to read and run lost girl. I can't offer much advice I'm afraid, but this is a great forum which is a font of all knowledge. So many practical and great ideas to help you on the way.

Well done on starting your debt free journey. It must be really hard without any family support. Do you have anyone apart from him to talk to?

Remember to be kind to yourself. X

enthusiasticsaver

Well done on tackling this. Cutting the cards up is sensible. Sorry your DH taking it badly.

Lost_girl

I do have friends. But they are joint friends so I feel uncomfortable talking to them. I am happy that at least we are out in the open. It's been a long time coming. Whatever will be will be..

tacpot12

Lost_girl wrote: »

I do have friends. But they are joint friends so I feel uncomfortable talking to them. I am happy that at least we are out in the open. It's been a long time coming. Whatever will be will be..

You are right. It is better that the situation is out in the open. Your Husband can deal with it better now than he could when he wasn't aware of it. He may not be good at coping, but he at least he can think about what he wants to happen in full knowledge of the facts.

He may change his mind about wanting to separate, and may be prepared to talk to you in the future, but you need to give him some space to think about the situation.

In the meantime, focus on sticking to your plan to clear you debt. I know it can seem like the end will never come, but it does after a while. Whether you stay together or separate, your situation will always be better if your debts are under control. Seeing your resolve to get out of debt might be the one thing that helps him see a future for you both.

Best wishes

Whiterose23

Please do not walk away with nothing. The starting point, if God forbid you do end up getting divorced, is 50-50 and from thereon the children are the main priority.
It wouldn't be sensible to do this and it sounds as though you are very beaten back. I was once in a similar position, ie married to a high earner and made to feel I was being 'kept', when the reality was very different once I'd escaped the situation.
Hold your head high and be honest and tell him about the pressure/depression etc, then ask him to sit down with you so you can work out a way forward re the debt and the relationship. If you're married you're a team and you should be able to say this to him.
Failing that, don't do anything without legal advice and just take the fantastic advice on here about debt repayment.

Lost_girl

I am exhausted from all the fighting to be honest. I just walked in from work.. and he wasn't even looking at me... Even though last night I stayed up till 2 am explaining and talking.. I asked him why aren't you looking at me.. and his answer was... You have lied to me for the last 12 years... I don't want to look at you..
I was feeling really positive after our heart to heart last night.. but... Obviously I was being too optimistic.

Toni'sfriend

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. With the help and support of the lovely people here your debt problem can be sorted. Lots and lots of useful advice. The relationship is a bit more difficult. Do you think he just needs a bit of time?

girlatplay

Maybe things haven't been working for a while because you've been keeping the secret about your debt. You keeping the secret has been bad for your mental health, him knowing there was something wrong but not knowing what has been tough on him. Now that he knows for sure, he needs time to process it and you need to let him have that time. I think you've done the absolute best thing by telling him and I realise it wouldn't have been easy for you. Give him some space to let him come to terms with it. Whatever the outcome, it's far better being out in the open than not.

Please hang in there. There's lots of debt-busting and budgeting support on here.

Willing2Learn

I'm really sad to read about what is happening. Are you sure that your husband hasn't been guilty of exerting coercive control over your life? From what you have typed, there appears to be a number of indicators that could signify a pattern of coercive controlling behaviour. I'm saying this from a male perspective...

savvy

Willing2Learn wrote: »

I'm really sad to read about what is happening. Are you sure that your husband hasn't been guilty of exerting coercive control over your life? From what you have typed, there appears to be a number of indicators that could signify a pattern of coercive controlling behaviour. I'm saying this from a male perspective...

I was considering this aspect too, Lost girl - these quotes are what raise suspicions for me in your quandry "However my relationship with my husband got more and more competitive....on my side.. he was the higher earner and I always felt I had to put in as much as he did. Especially for holidays and Christmas."
"Plus he always made me feel that I haven't earnt the right to ask for things or demand things.. so I started getting credit cards.. and then maxing them out...etc"
"And I asked to separate... Because he has been asking me.to show.him my accounts over and over and I refused."
"However my husband is insisting on seeing all my accounts back to 7 years"
"My husband has always felt that he had to pay for everything and he provided the roof over my head."
I find it a bit strange that he's acting like the wounded victim, when you seemed to be the initial victim as you felt you had to keep up with him financially for some reason, and it was his actions (or lack of maybe) that made you feel that you weren't able to ask for things so took it on yourself to try and get them by getting credit cards.

I don't think you should take full responsibility for the way it has turned out, and as Whiterose23 has said, you will need some sort of settlement if divorce is the way to go, as you will need all the help you can get to continue to raise the children

How about looking for a debt counsellor, and marriage guidance, and save your money you are spending on a psychotherapist for you debt management programme?