I have just told my husband how much in debt I am

Lost_girl

Can you explain?

Willing2Learn

Lost_girl wrote: »

Can you explain?

I am also concerned that you state you do not have friends of your own. That is another indicator of coercive control.

I'm only suggesting this as I have worked closely with Domestic Violence units over a number of years. I obviously have not made a full and professional assessment of your circumstances. I am just going on the 'snippets' of info you have provided.

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

Whiterose23

I was in a similar position. My ex was very controlling and anything that went wrong was always my fault and I believed it for years. He controlled the money and I didn't even know the password to our joint account, even though I worked as well as raising our children.
When he eventually walked out for someone else I almost had a breakdown as I felt I couldn't cope but ultimately it was because of the children I found the courage to fight back and was eventually awarded a very fair settlement at the courts, which angered and confused him greatly as he believed he was in control even after he left.
I'm not saying your husband is as bad as this but for the sake of your children, make sure you stand your ground no take back some control - it's very liberating! Maybe you kept it from him through fear of what he'd say. If he loves you he'll help you. But don't leave the house whatever you do.

Lost_girl

So this evening he decided he wants to go through my accounts and see what I have been spending the money on.. he wants to go back 7 years because he just doesn't understand.. he is very pushy and when I said no... He said fine we will just do it through the solicitors.. that really hurt especially after everything I tried to.do.. I am confused.. I feel I am.being pushed.. I can't remember what happened 5/6 / 7 years ago. I feel cornered... And he calmly says I don't know what you are upset about because its my right to ask.. I don't know what to do... He is completely disabling me... I did lie to him and I hid debts.and I am.dealing with it.. why isn't that enough?!

Willing2Learn

Okay. So you need to take control of your finances. You can do this. You don't need the support from your husband. You can get all the support, advice, guidance and empathy from people on this forum.


A really good way forward would be for you to compete a Statement of Affairs. That way you will see all your income and expenses laid out properly. Save it on the SOA website and then you will be able to tweak it as required. Then copy & paste it over to here (after first clicking on the 'format for MSE' button).

People here would be more than happy to help you address both your finances and your emotional wellbeing. You would be able to track your progress as this would be your diary.

elsien

To be fair to your husband, you've had years to get to grips with your situation. He's had a day. He is going to feel hurt, angry, misled. He needs time to process it. Even after a heart to heart, you can't expect him suddenly to be on board when it's come as a complete bombshell. .
No one can diagnose coercive control from a couple of posts. It may be, or it may be that the pressure to keep up with him was coming more from you because you felt that you should. The important thing from here is being open with each other.
And that means you telling him not only how the debts arose, but why, as you've explained it here, when you're both in the frame of mind to do so. . Then take it from there. But you do need to give it time. If you look at other diaries, some partners are supportive straight away, others take a while to get there, some never do.

Lost_girl

I did tell him.. I showed him the credit cards. I have closed many of them and he wants proof.. how do I do that?

enthusiasticsaver

It is difficult to tell from your posts as to whether your husband is within his rights to ask to see presumably your statements? How do you organise your money? Is it joint or do you keep separate finances? You say he is the higher earner but who does the bulk of the childcare and do you work full time or part time? If I had hidden debt from my DH I think I would show him whatever evidence he wanted to see as we have joint accounts and any debts I ran up would be repaid from joint money. If you keep your money separate then just saying to him you have it under control should be enough and any other information you want to give him depends on how badly you want to repair your relationship.

If you do decide to separate then don't agree to walk away with nothing. Take legal advice too. You have two children so you cannot raise them on fresh air always assuming you have joint shared custody.

I think doing a spending diary and an soa would be a good start and you can then see at least what is feasible for you in terms of repayment and living costs. Saving an emergency fund is also a good idea.

Lost_girl

We have never had joint accounts. The debts and cards are all in my name. My name isn't on any bills or mortgage or the house. I am on target to be debt free.

enthusiasticsaver

Lost_girl wrote: »

We have never had joint accounts. The debts and cards are all in my name. My name isn't on any bills or mortgage or the house. I am on target to be debt free.

Without seeing an soa or more information it is difficult to see if you are on target but presumably if you are confident in your plan and are adamant you do not want to show your DH the credit card statements you can either stick to that and tell him you have it under control or give him the information he wants. You can download a Noddle report which will show all your outstanding debts and balances from about a month ago. If he is asking to analyse every spend I would agree that this is a fruitless exercise and if you are the one repaying the debts then I am not sure why you need to do that. Your choice and that depends on how much you want to save the relationship.

Did you consolidate these debts and if so please make sure that you don't take out any more cards? That usually is no help whatsoever in clearing debt as it does not change spending behaviour which is your biggest issue.