Can't stop thinking about partner's deception

user7645

Gavin83 wrote: »

I

Anyway it's quite simple really. It's been 6 months, you can't keep bringing this up and making an issue of it. Either you 'forgive' him, in which case you need to move on or you don't, in which case you need to split up.

If you keep raising it as an issue he will eventually get fed up and leave you.

Yes I agree, I guess my issue is I can't stop dwelling on it in my mind. It's not something I bring up anymore and haven't in the last 3 months bar maybe once when he said he has no desire to pursue friendships and I said well then why did you with that girl? But I still sometimes have nightmares about it and feel upset and anxious.

user7645

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

I'm not surprised he felt that, as you were being controlling. You need to keep a lid on that and maybe get therapy as it will sabotage your relationships.

Sounds like he's walking on eggshells around you now and no-one should be forced to live like that by a controlling partner.

I know and I don't want to be controlling. He does actually have some good friendships with current and past work colleagues (he meets up with some female colleagues from his old job a few times a year). I don't have an issue with this. I guess I just didn't know how to behave when I perceived someone was trying to make the moves on my partner, and I handled it all wrong. Instead of leaving him to deal with it I tried to take control of the situation and quash it. I know I can't behave like that again. Thankfully it has only happened once in 8 years.

seashore22

Deleted_User wrote: »

This sounds very similar to this thread:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5896280/woman-s-agenda

Seriously OP I don't think you have anything to worry about but I do think you need to think about your possible trust issues.

I was searching for a thread like that earlier (couldn't find it) because of the deja vu feeling as soon as I read this one. It's more recent than I remembered and I'm sure I've read another similar one before. It's the older woman and cycling that sounded familiar.

Edit (after reading the other posts) - I don't think another thread on this subject is going to be at all helpful op. I would put good money on the responses being the same and you will be no further forward. Couple's counselling? Counselling on your own?

JennyJukes

I get where everyone else is coming from but I just have some questions.

Why was he searching for her if it's just an innocent walk
and why were they private messaging on their staff intranet and not something less secretive? He obviously enjoys her company if they want to walk every day?

I also don't understand why people are forgetting that he admitted he had feelings for this new woman then said he didn't?

Was there any incidents before the cycling situation?

I understand both your worries and everyone else's reaction. I had an ex who I was very paranoid about cheating and I later found out that he was flirting with other women. Generally if I have a bad feeling about a man or a certain situation in a relationship then it ends up being for good reason.

On the other hand, my current partner had a woman who kept sending sly messages to him that were clearly looking for an emotional reaction and like you said, putting the feelers out. It caused many arguments between us as he thought I was overreacting and that she wasn't actually doing anything wrong and neither was he (whereas I felt he wasn't setting good enough boundaries and like you, got frustrated that he allowed her to keep sending these messages when it was clearly hurting me and it would have been easier if he just set those boundaries). In the end this woman did something completely inappropriate and we both cut contact with her. For a while after that though, whenever I heard him talk about women I would get paranoid and upset and we'd argue again. He did ask me if I was going to get upset every time he spoke to a woman and that I needed to do something about that. We both agreed that he just sets boundaries around women and if he feels there is something not quite right in his relationship with the woman (eg he thinks she is hinting on romance) then he sets boundaries and tells me about it. I would be upset if he kept something like walking with another woman every day but then he and I talk about the most mundane things in our life so I'd be confused why he wouldn't bring it up if it was nothing serious.

At the end of the day we can only give our perspective or experiences. Only you and your partner can solve this. Asking on a forum and allowing your mind to go places instead of talking and sorting it out isn't going to help.

Takmon

JennyJukes wrote: »

I get where everyone else is coming from but I just have some questions.

Why was he searching for her if it's just an innocent walk

Looking at someones social media accounts that you know is a pretty normal thing to do. I'm not sure why you would find this odd?.

JennyJukes wrote: »

and why were they private messaging on their staff intranet and not something less secretive?

How is that secretive? If they work in an office the internal messaging system is probably the acceptable way to message other employees. Personal mobiles are not allowed to be used in a lot of workplaces.

JennyJukes wrote: »

He obviously enjoys her company if they want to walk every day?

I also don't understand why people are forgetting that he admitted he had feelings for this new woman then said he didn't?

I don't see how enjoying someone else company is wrong, people usually have lots of friends?

Developing feelings for someone is not necessarily wrong it's if they act on those feelings when it's a problem.

System

OP congratulations on your own relationship’s demise. You do see that your behaviour was the catalyst in all that. Your thread title should be “how can I learn from my behaviour in order to repair or move on from this train wreck I’ve caused”.

BrassicWoman

this is the third thread I've seen, same topic

Let it go, or let him go. That's the choices.

unholyangel

Fixating on a partners interactions with other people of opposite sex is usually down to your own insecurities - that you're not enough for them and you'll lose them.

I've never been the jealous type, even if a bit of flirting was involved. If they're going to cheat, they'll cheat. Not saying I would accept it if it happened, just that another woman fancying my partner doesn't (or shouldn't) affect the trust I have for my partner.

I mean, would you cheat on him just because the other person has feelings for you? No, so why do you think your partner won't be able to control themselves even if one of those women do like him?

You're looking for him to alter his behaviour when really, its your own that needs to be changed.

Primrose

Where do your insecurity issues come from? Has somebody cheated on you before and now you can't help suspecting that all males are tarred with the same brush?.


My husband has worked for most of his life in an industry which consists largely of females. Life would have been one constant battleground if I had chosen to make an issue of every time he developed a close friendship with one of more of them and it would have made his life a misery. I've always trusted him. He has never let me down.


if you can't believe what he says, the kindest thing you can do is leave the relationship and stop making his life a misery as sooner or later he will decide he is fed up with being accused. There is such a thing as an innocent platonic relationship between males and females who have similar interest so try and step back and give your man some freedom to be his personal self. Being locked together with you will be stifling in the long run. We all need a range of friends.


Do you think some counselling would help to overcome your insecurities? None of us can control the behaviour of others close to us. If somebody is going to cheat, they will, but it doesn't sound as if your partner has done, and if that's the case, unless you can overcome your constant fears about him doing so, he will eventually get fed up and move on to somebody else. who is prepared to accept that his behaviour is above reproach. It can't be nice to be accused to being a cheat if you're not. You can be fond of people of the opposite sex without wanting to wreck your own relationship and get into bed with them.


If somebody knows their partner is insecure or jealous, they're probably automatically going to take a path that leads to avoiding domestic disharmony. I think most people in that position would probably adapt a similar path to your boyfriend in an attempt to try and lead a quiet life.

Pollycat

I think it's the same person as the one in the other thread.

OP

user7645 wrote: »

I just didn’t like the fact he wouldn’t stop seeing her “for me”.

I think this is shocking behaviour (from you, not him).

I can totally understand why he didn't tell you about the walks with the second woman.
You created this situation.
I think you need to let this drop or end the relationship.
It will only get easier if you stop obsessing about what sounds like 2 pretty innocent things.

And, yes, I do think you're silly for being too preoccupied about this.
If you worry about it happening again, he will pick up on it.
Distrust in a relationship is corrosive.

You are going to drive him away.