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Can't stop thinking about partner's deception
user7645
Posts: 21 Forumite
Hello,
I’ve been with my boyfriend 8 years, he’s 33 and I’m 30. Mortgage but not married and no kids.
In August my boyfriend started cycling with a woman from work. By September he told me she had sent him some strange text messages. When I read them, I thought they were subtly putting the feelers out for him to see if he might like her. She was single but around 15-20 years older than him. He concluded it was strange but I was reading into it and he just wanted to forget it. However I became preoccupied and wanted him to stop cycling with her. He felt this was controlling and became resentful. For the next 3 months we had huge rows, unlike anything before. I felt like he didn’t care how I felt and he felt I was controlling. I lost all perspective of the situation as I knew my boyfriend wasn’t interested in her, had been honest with me and hadn’t done anything wrong. I just didn’t like the fact he wouldn’t stop seeing her “for me”. He did stop though because winter came and then by Christmas we had stopped arguing.
Then in January I went on my google history and realised my partner had used my computer and had been searching for another girl online and then wiped the history but it had saved to my google history. The first time I became aware of her existence was in December I went on his Instagram to show him something on my profile on his phone (with his consent) and she came up as a recent search. I didn’t know who she was and so just assumed she must be someone he used to know. I didn’t ask him about it. I then realised from my google history in January that actually she worked with him. I confronted him, at this point just to find out why he kept searching for this co-worker that I had never heard of.
It was then he told me he had met her in November in the midst of all our arguments. She worked on the same floor in a large open plan office, but not in the same team so their paths would not naturally cross. They met on a training day and spent lunch together with two other people as well and the 4 of them went for a walk. A few days later my boyfriend saw her in the kitchen and got chatting. He asked if she wanted to go for a walk with him as he was just off to go for a walk during his lunch break (he would walk into the local town most days). She said yes so the two of them went for a walk. A few days after that he sent her a private message using their staff intranet asking if she wanted to go for a walk during their lunch break. From that point on they would message each other on the staff intranet and go for walks twice a week. This went on for two months totally unbeknown to me.
He has told me they were good friends, went on walks twice a week and he hadn’t told me because of what he perceived my reaction would be due to the cycling woman. He said he had feelings for her, then later said he didn’t, he just said that because I was saying it to him over and over again.
He now says he didn’t want her like that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me he messaged her on the staff intranet saying “I can’t message you anymore I’ve got issues with my girlfriend which I need to resolve”. He said she replied “okay hope you get things sorted”. He has now stopped seeing her and calls me every lunch time.
It’s been 6 months and I decided to forgive him as I could see my part in all this and I don’t know how things would have been different if I hadn’t become some insecure and stupid about the cycling woman.
Do you think this will get easier? Am I being silly to still be preoccupied? I fear for something like this happening again in the future.
I’ve been with my boyfriend 8 years, he’s 33 and I’m 30. Mortgage but not married and no kids.
In August my boyfriend started cycling with a woman from work. By September he told me she had sent him some strange text messages. When I read them, I thought they were subtly putting the feelers out for him to see if he might like her. She was single but around 15-20 years older than him. He concluded it was strange but I was reading into it and he just wanted to forget it. However I became preoccupied and wanted him to stop cycling with her. He felt this was controlling and became resentful. For the next 3 months we had huge rows, unlike anything before. I felt like he didn’t care how I felt and he felt I was controlling. I lost all perspective of the situation as I knew my boyfriend wasn’t interested in her, had been honest with me and hadn’t done anything wrong. I just didn’t like the fact he wouldn’t stop seeing her “for me”. He did stop though because winter came and then by Christmas we had stopped arguing.
Then in January I went on my google history and realised my partner had used my computer and had been searching for another girl online and then wiped the history but it had saved to my google history. The first time I became aware of her existence was in December I went on his Instagram to show him something on my profile on his phone (with his consent) and she came up as a recent search. I didn’t know who she was and so just assumed she must be someone he used to know. I didn’t ask him about it. I then realised from my google history in January that actually she worked with him. I confronted him, at this point just to find out why he kept searching for this co-worker that I had never heard of.
It was then he told me he had met her in November in the midst of all our arguments. She worked on the same floor in a large open plan office, but not in the same team so their paths would not naturally cross. They met on a training day and spent lunch together with two other people as well and the 4 of them went for a walk. A few days later my boyfriend saw her in the kitchen and got chatting. He asked if she wanted to go for a walk with him as he was just off to go for a walk during his lunch break (he would walk into the local town most days). She said yes so the two of them went for a walk. A few days after that he sent her a private message using their staff intranet asking if she wanted to go for a walk during their lunch break. From that point on they would message each other on the staff intranet and go for walks twice a week. This went on for two months totally unbeknown to me.
He has told me they were good friends, went on walks twice a week and he hadn’t told me because of what he perceived my reaction would be due to the cycling woman. He said he had feelings for her, then later said he didn’t, he just said that because I was saying it to him over and over again.
He now says he didn’t want her like that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me he messaged her on the staff intranet saying “I can’t message you anymore I’ve got issues with my girlfriend which I need to resolve”. He said she replied “okay hope you get things sorted”. He has now stopped seeing her and calls me every lunch time.
It’s been 6 months and I decided to forgive him as I could see my part in all this and I don’t know how things would have been different if I hadn’t become some insecure and stupid about the cycling woman.
Do you think this will get easier? Am I being silly to still be preoccupied? I fear for something like this happening again in the future.
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Comments
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Well you could see what reaction you get to suggesting that you join them on their walks, or invite her to dinner.
The reality is that you don’t trust him and with good reason. Once trust has gone the relationship has nowhere to go except Painsville.0 -
It takes a hell of a lot of work to build trust back up and it doesn't happen over night.
He is doing the right thing by calling you lunchtime, but you can't expect that to happen forever.
Do you honestly forgive him or are you just saying that at the moment? Because you cannot start to move on until you do.Mortgage started 2020, aiming to clear 31/12/2029.0 -
In August my boyfriend started cycling with a woman from work.
I lost all perspective of the situation as I knew my boyfriend wasn’t interested in her, had been honest with me and hadn’t done anything wrong.
They met on a training day and spent lunch together with two other people as well and the 4 of them went for a walk.
From that point on they would message each other on the staff intranet and go for walks twice a week.
He has told me they were good friends, went on walks twice a week and he hadn’t told me because of what he perceived my reaction would be due to the cycling woman.
It’s been 6 months and I decided to forgive him as I could see my part in all this and I don’t know how things would have been different if I hadn’t become some insecure and stupid about the cycling woman.
What exactly are you forgiving him for? Twice weekly lunchtime walks with a colleague?
Why do you feel so threatened by these friendships?
I think you need to sort out your insecurities before you push your BF away. It can be very hard to stay with someone who doesn't trust you.0 -
This sounds very similar to this thread:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5896280/woman-s-agenda
Seriously OP I don't think you have anything to worry about but I do think you need to think about your possible trust issues.0 -
I'm of the opinion he has done nothing wrong and you are over reacting. Nobody should be demanding a partner talks or not talks to another person. If you have trust issues you will never be happy regardless of what your partner has or has not done.0
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Deleted_User wrote: »This sounds very similar to this thread:
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5896280/woman-s-agenda
Seriously OP I don't think you have anything to worry about but I do think you need to think about your possible trust issues.
I thought it sounded familiar.
Anyway I agree with the others, I don't really know what you're meant to be forgiving him for, he doesn't appear to have done anything wrong. I imagine you've beaten him up over this (not literally) for the last 6 months, despite him not doing anything wrong and I'm surprised he hasn't left you yet.
Saying this he appears to be doing everything possible to please you. I think you either need to get over this non event or you need to end the relationship, work on your trust issues and find someone else who aligns more with your way of thinking.0 -
He has told me they were good friends, went on walks twice a week and he hadn’t told me because of what he perceived my reaction would be due to the cycling woman.
He said he had feelings for her, then later said he didn’t, he just said that because I was saying it to him over and over again.- Keeping a close friendship completely secret and lying by omission
- Saying he had feelings for her and then later retracting it
He didn't tell you about it because of the way you over-reacted before - and he was right - you've gone way over the top.
Haven't you heard of people giving the police false confessions, just to make the questioning stop - that's the position you forced him into.0 -
Keeping a close friendship completely secret and lying by omission
I've never really agreed with the whole principle of lying by omission, I certainly wouldn't tell my wife absolutely every person I associate with and everything I do. I don't really like the idea of being labelled a liar because I forgot to tell her I had a cup of tea at 11am.
Is it really a close friendship anyway? I also take his point on board as to why he didn't tell you, but you do seem to have done this too. Maybe he should have told you but if he was expect you to tell him to stop talking to her based on the previous episode do you blame him?Saying he had feelings for her and then later retracting it
Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I think there's two possibilities here:
1) He doesn't have feelings for her. I'm guessing you kept pushing it during an argument, asking him repeatedly if he had feelings for her? If so, maybe he didn't want to argue about it and felt it would stop the argument quicker if he just went along with what you said.
2) He does have feelings for her. Given how bad your relationship was at the time he may well have thought you wouldn't be together much longer and was lining up a replacement girlfriend. If this is the situation he's clearly made his choice.
Anyway it's quite simple really. It's been 6 months, you can't keep bringing this up and making an issue of it. Either you 'forgive' him, in which case you need to move on or you don't, in which case you need to split up.
If you keep raising it as an issue he will eventually get fed up and leave you.0 -
I'm not surprised he felt that, as you were being controlling. You need to keep a lid on that and maybe get therapy as it will sabotage your relationships.He felt this was controlling and became resentful.
Sounds like he's walking on eggshells around you now and no-one should be forced to live like that by a controlling partner.Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 20230
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