Snooping OH’s banking - gambling, loans

DUTR

Greengiraffe wrote: »

I do without to ensure my children don’t have to.
So I guess it depends whether you think his need to gamble trumps my need for lunch or my need for clothing without holes 🤷🏻!♀️

I don't think his gambling needs trump his responsibilities, I just don't think EVERYTHING stops for the kids and that neither parent deserves any kind of life.
Gambling and drinking or other addictions can be dangerous, that is obvious, what if he had a hobby that diverted income? , the outcome would be similar.
If he had a big win I'm sure it wouldn't be seen as a problem then?

Greengiraffe

DUTR wrote: »

I don't think his gambling needs trump his responsibilities, I just don't think EVERYTHING stops for the kids and that neither parent deserves any kind of life.
Gambling and drinking or other addictions can be dangerous, that is obvious, what if he had a hobby that diverted income? , the outcome would be similar.
If he had a big win I'm sure it wouldn't be seen as a problem then?

I don’t think that’s true at all to be honest. We cancelled gym memberships late last year that we both enjoyed using because we couldn’t justify the expense. It was a hobby, it left us short in other areas, so the membership went.

No the issue would still stand that he has a gambling problem even if he won big. Like I said in a previous post...if the 2k came from a win I would still need to address the whole issue of gambling with him so we could move forward from his issues with it. It definitely would not be forgotten and ignored if he won big.

ska_lover

Greengiraffe wrote: »

This is it exactly. I don’t feel good for looking but I noticed the tell tale signs...spending a lot of time on his phone, the little kerching noise when he transfers from one account to another. If I pretend nothings happening I’ll feel worse and it allows him to spiral into a bad place. I don’t want that. He is my other half and we have a life together and need to address this issue.

I agree. I hope the conversation goes well (as well as can be expected at least)

Don't let him turn it all round on you and pull the snooping card. Yes you did, but with GOOD REASON, dont forget that

Good luck

Primrose

I,d wait for a quiet moment , sit him down, look him in the eye and say
"We,re supposed to be saving up for a wedding. I'm asking you to tell me truthfully If there,s anything about some of your activities which I'm supposed to know about, and don't"?

I wouldn,t admit to snooping on his phone. Then either he will be forced to be truthful or hopefully you'll be able to tell whether he's lying.

If he wants to know why you're asking you could reply "because you're spending an awful lot of time on your phone and I'm wondering whether you're on an online dating site, or getting involved in online gambling again. . And if you're cheating on me, or not being honest, I want to know now and I want us to talk about it and deal with it"

If he squirms or lies outright you'll know there,s trouble ahead. But first work out in your own mind how you want to deal with it.

DUTR

Greengiraffe wrote: »

I don’t think that’s true at all to be honest. We cancelled gym memberships late last year that we both enjoyed using because we couldn’t justify the expense. It was a hobby, it left us short in other areas, so the membership went.

No the issue would still stand that he has a gambling problem even if he won big. Like I said in a previous post...if the 2k came from a win I would still need to address the whole issue of gambling with him so we could move forward from his issues with it. It definitely would not be forgotten and ignored if he won big.

I can see what you are saying, I agree certain sacrifices have to be made , but ALL ?
Can only lead to resentment.
What I'm saying and you probably already realise is that solving the gambling issue may cover one thing, but other problems can jeapordise where you are both at or going.
Ploughing all monies into family stuff is not going to lead to a happy life for all parties.

Sncjw

I have had a look on the media clear channel uk and it’s a subsidiary company that’s on the New York stock market.

DUTR

Sncjw wrote: »

I have had a look on the media clear channel uk and it’s a subsidiary company that’s on the New York stock market.

Yes but it's not showing gambling.

Ivrytwr3

You're making excuses for him and trying to reason his actions.

• He is gambling and gambling a lot of money.
  
• He is hiding this from you.
  
• You have some major events coming up in your life and you do not trust him and he is keeping secrets.

You can rationalise his behaviour and things might be good for a while, but 90% certain that somewhere down the line this will bite you on the a$$ - either always playing on your mind, or when you find he has emptied the accounts, maxed his credit and he is shameful and apologetic to you.

10% he may grow up and life is all roses.

Unless he changes, i would definitely be walking away.

Primrose

The problem with gambling or any addiction is that it can rapidly get out of control and it needs very strong willpower and a lot of support for people to give up.


Your OH has obviously had issues with this before so the fact that the activity has started again and is being done secretly should be a very big red alert for you. Unless he's prepared to admit openly that he has an issue and is not dealing with it effectively, your relationship and financial security going forward is in severe danger.


You are obviously aware of this. I would be inclined to make him receiving some expert addiction help a compulsory part of your discussion. Its all very well some people saying that an individual's own "spending money" should be theirs to spend as they choose but the fact that this activity is being done in secret again after it has already proved an issue in the relationship flags up an issue that needs to be addressed. Trust has been eroded and that is as big as the issue itself.

Rosieandjim

This sounds very like another poster who comes on periodically with stories they create. Bluelass ???