Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house

System

Family member was like this...did not want to move out of their small flat. Why do we need to move? It's a waste of money etc?



Moved. Loved it, never looked back. Don't listen to your husband, people like that never move (like my parents) because NOTHING is good enough. But when you get moved, he'll thank you.

Candyapple

Grayfinch85 wrote: »

'We won't be able to fit a bed in any of the bedrooms' - I've measured we definitely can, rooms are 9ft by 10ft

Is that the largest size bedroom in your house? The smallest room in my house, the ‘box room’ is 10ft x 7ft and the previous owners had a double bed in it – it was cramped and made the room look very small. Would you have space for wardrobes? Chest of drawers? Would you both have space to walk around the bed or would it be up against the wall so one person would have to climb out/over?

Grayfinch85 wrote: »

'We'll be trapped there and won't ever be able to move if the housing market collapses!' - I mean if we're going down that route why not start planning for the apocalypse and start living in a cave?

He has a point. The market is very unstable right now and depending on what the prices are like for your area, you may end up in negative equity and forced to stay for many years. Which would be even worse if he really doesn’t like the area or discovers there are bigger / costlier jobs that were hidden that need work doing to which 9 times out of 10 there always are...

If he’s only staying in the sale because of you, then guaranteed if / when you move in he will find any little thing to nitpick at and it will all be ‘your fault’ for moving there. You may find that your relationship breaks down because of it if he starts playing the blame game.

Crying every week is definitely not normal. I would back out of the sale so at least that aspect of his stress is removed from the situation and then tell him as the NHS waiting list is too long, he needs to seek private therapy / counselling to address his underlying issues so that you can both move forwards in a timely fashion. There’s no way you should be looking at houses right now if his mental health is in that bad a state.

happyandcontented

I sympathise because I analyse any major decisions from a what if x, what if Y angle and even when it is decided I still worry. My husband is the opposite and says ' we will cross that bridge if/when we come to it!'

Try and get him to read 'Feel the fear and Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers it is a thought provoking read.

DigForVictory

It is relatively so much easier with cats - you check them into a cattery, move & then keep them shut in for a few months.

From the sounds of it (Rightmove addiction is a *nasty* thing) you have found the good-enough place at the good-enough price & are looking at getting onto the property ladder at last & he's just not ready. Yes, the loft conversion ceiling height is not ideal but the house prices of Georgian accommodation (when they come up for sale) are exorbitant.

Would a mixture of logical support - document each concern and lay out the facts beside them plus medical intervention help? As if you want the house, it may be over an almost devastated spouse & that's harder to get a mortgage for. A GP should be able to find something for anxiety without needing to page every specialist available, and if they won't, talk to your pharmacist. Who may be able to steer you toward over the counter help as well as a more supportive GP.

'Fit a bed' - a floor plan with feet inches & centimetres. Plus notes on the size of your current bed, which I'd guess isn't an entirely standard size. Add a sweetener if you could find & install a 7' bathtub?

'payments' - document all current outgoings & expenses. You can exorcise this ghost with logic - and if not, then you have a much more vigorous conversation with the GP concerning reasoning ability.

'loft conversion' - agree, and pick other battles. And/or take him for a walk in the fresh air, in a park if you can, and get him aired & exercised. Good for you both!

'housing market collapses' - well, better trapped in your own home than thrown out at 2 months notice from your rented one.

As he comes back with more, keep coming back here until (at over 400 reasons not to move?) you finally get to the real ones, like I'm scared, I adore the garden here, I'll have to get public transport, you'll leave me, you'll do better at work than me or I want out of this relationship but lack the nerve to say so.

Whether this can be eased past in time for you to get the house, I don't know, but I'd consider limiting access to Rightmove (or making it an agreed 30 minutes a day) for the mental health of both of you.

8ofspades makes a very good point - if he isn't in the place to make the decision jointly with you, its probably better to accept that and put buying aside for now.

Very best of luck.

kerri_gt

Buying a house is enormously stressful - even when we'd moved into ours (and I was the one who really wanted to buy because I don't want to be paying private rent when I'm a pensioner) I nearly hyperventilated on morning on the stairs realising that this was now ours and our responsibility to maintain and deal with.

With regard to the rent vs mortgage, have you angled it that whilst your mortgage will be higher than rent, you have managed to save for a deposit and associated moving costs while renting, so you're not going to be suddenly so much worse off as you will be channelling those funds you were already putting by towards the mortgage (assuming this is the case?)

Being tall is a problem unfortunately when it comes to ceilings, I assume he may think that the conversion could have otherwise been your master suite.

Has he suggested why he thinks / feels staying in the flat you're in would be a much better option?

DigforVictory offers some very good advise.

If he is generally anxious about life has he tried any kind of meditation or yoga? I know it sounds a bit of a trend at the moment but a lot of people do find it helps calm a scattered mind.

Alan2020

House sounds terrible! The loft conversion doesn’t sound has got BC approval.
Why don’t you post a link (you can put without the www bit) on the house buying forum and see what others think.

I fear your husband is correct about the house and to be honest he seems to be scared of you lol

LadyDee

The night before we were due to exchange contracts my husband sat up in bed saying that he couldn't face the responsibility of home ownership - this from somebody who was quite insistent that we really should think about having another child!

I was in the fortunate position then of being able to go ahead on my own and did so. I have never regretted it for a moment.

That was my choice and it worked for me.

The business about the loft height is an excuse - he's frightened of the responsibility. In his state of mind he will never find anywhere that he's happy with. Give him one chance to seek help for these fears and tell him you'll go ahead without him. Sounds brutal but if you speak to him with the help of a suitable third party (Relate? Mind? counsellors) it could just be the way through this.

maman

FWIW my DD saved for years for her deposit, was 100%sure she wanted to buy, loved the house etc. I went with her to solicitors to sign final papers. After we came out I was expecting elation instead she was down and tearful. She was overwhelmed by spending so much hard earned money.

That was 7 years ago. She's very happy in her home.

onwards&upwards

If your husband is 6’6” I presume you don’t just have a standard double bed? A king or super king won’t leave much space for anything else in that bedroom!

seashore22

A timely thought:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/clip/1b564269-54ac-47c8-a81c-2e4ab1ae82dc?intc_type=singletheme&intc_location=bbcthree&intc_campaign=bbcthree&intc_linkname=article_cryingmakeyoufeelgood_contentcard5