Husband having a mental breakdown over buying a house

Grayfinch85

Hi all,

My husband is generally an overthinker and a perfectionist but over the last 2 years it has become so bad I don't know what to do...
For so long he's been so fixated on buying a house, he searches RightMove almost obsessively, we saw a few but he always said no for a reason (didn't like the area etc.)
Now we've found a house that I love that is within our budget, in a nice area and close to where I work. It has a few minor issues that were picked up on the survey but nothing too extreme (needs re-pointing, gutters and decking needs replacing etc)
The problem is since our offer was accepted his anxiety has become so much WORSE, not better. It's got to the point that he is breaking down crying at least once a week.

I've tried encouraging him to see a doctor but accessing mental healthcare in our area is very slow and all the while he is miserable and keeps dweling on how he thinks we are making a huge mistake

The reasons are why he thinks this are everchanging and some don't make any sense:

'We won't be able to fit a bed in any of the bedrooms' - I've measured we definitely can, rooms are 9ft by 10ft

'Our monthly repaments would be more than our rent' - our rent has barely changed in 3-4 years and it's for a 1 bed flat vs a house so...yes?

'I can't stand up in the loft conversion!' - I agree this isn't ideal but the loft ceiling is 6'3, he's 6'6 and we were only going to use it as a guest room and most people aren't his height!

'We'll be trapped there and won't ever be able to move if the housing market collapses!' - I mean if we're going down that route why not start planning for the apocalypse and start living in a cave?

I am trying to cope with his meltdowns but it's really hard because I'm a very pragmatic person and I have NO IDEA how to answer some of these other than by saying 'it will be fine'

He keeps saying that he won't back out of the sale because 'he couldn't do that to me' but it's causing him so much worry and stress I'm wondering if we shouldn't just back out anyway

What would you do?

BrassicWoman

I'd back out of the sale.

pinkshoes

I'd tell your husband to either exchange on the house or you will exchange him!!

His reasons are ridiculous. I think being stuck renting a 1 bed flat is by far a bigger issue than anything listed!!

Is there any private mental health you could pay for? Get him to focus ln the negatives of NOT buying it.

The house sounds perfect, so if the mortgage is affordable Then he needs some sense talking into him. How much is rent vs interest on the mortgage?

gettingtheresometime

I think you have to tread carefully here - yes he's overthinking it but telling him to get a grip is not going to help.


So when he says your mortgage payments are going to be higher than your rent agree with him, say you've been spoilt by not having significant rent increases and that you can mitigate any potential increases by having a fixed rate mortgage.


When he says about being trapped say well if you continued to rent then you run the risk of being kicked out by the landlord *& if the housing market collapses then everything reduces in price.


Buying a house is scary - doubly so if you're a naturally anxious person

Sea_Shell

Is it the process that's giving him the anxiety or the thought of owning? Once done and dusted and you get moved, will he still be worrying about everything?

Does he agree on a rational level that buying is the right thing to do?

8ofspades

I would give him an ultimatum on the house - i.e. do you really believe this is a big mistake, or do you think it's just your anxiety? Do you think you can make this decision right now, or do we need to pull out? If the only reason he is not pulling out is because of you, you need to reassure him that if he really believes this is a bad idea, you will stand with him.

Then encourage him to seek treatment - if not with a doctor, then self-help. There are plenty of books, self-hypnosis, meditation and diet improvements (including supplements) that can make a huge difference to the anxiety cycle if he is willing to seek them out.

Anxiety is a long battle, it doesn't sound like this is something that will go away on its own. If he isn't in the place to make the decision jointly with you, its probably better to accept that and put buying aside for now (unless it's imperative you move asap).

Mistral001

I think a 6' 6" tall person complaining about not wanting to buy a house which has a 6' 3" high loft conversion is behaving quite reasonably. Why would the OP think that it was and unreasonable complaint and one of the signs of mental illness?

Soundgirlrocks

I can't offer much help other than what has been mentioned by others - rationalising out his fears etc. Whilst he his waiting to see a doctor he might find ashwagandha (Indian ginseng) supplement helpful, its an ayurvedic herbal remedy and seems to be very helpful with anxiety and stress https://examine.com/supplements/ashwagandha/

ska_lover

I would pull out, if my husband was in that state of stress over it

and just take things more slowly

I am wandering if he doesn't like change

I hate change

Moving house is so hard and even the thought of it gives me the wibbles. I mean you could find the perfect house in a wonderful area, and end up next door to the neighbour from hell. I think that is the problem for me, however much prep you put in, there are no guarantees

seashore22

As a person prone to anxiety, I have some sympathy with you husband. The things he is worried about are perfectly reasonable and people react differently to changes in circumstances. You say that you're pragmatic, but he isn't you.

9ft X 10ft bedrooms are ok, but not exactly spacious are they? Is this the size of the main bedroom? The height in the loft may not bother you, but I assuming that you're not over 6ft tall. I wouldn't be too happy either if I couldn't easily access 1/3 of the house I was helping to buy. Perhaps this house isn't the right one after all.

As for the crying - we have been going through a massively stressful time recently and not one week seems to go by without either me or my husband in tears. Quite honestly it's a release from the tension and I know I feel better afterwards. Crying isn't a sign of weakness or mental breakdown. It's a natural reaction to pain, unhappiness and stress. Perhaps we would all feel better for a bit of a crying session. (only half joking)

What I'm trying to say is, yes it's annoying, but cut him some slack. I hate house buying and selling with a passion. Can you tell?

MrBrindle

Read this post and completely sympathised with your husband. I am also prone to stress and anxiety, currently tgoing through a terrible patch right now.

Our house move last year affected me badly, and I'm still not right unfortunately. I regretted the move and don't think I was mentally in a good place at all during the time.

I would think carefully about your next step, as the actual move itself may tip him over the edge. I'm pretty sure I had a breakdown, but I would call mine a functional breakdown, if there is such a thing.

I'd echo the thoughts of others about CBT, mindfullness and maybe counselling.