Husband loves me but isn’t in love with me. What now?

Savvy_Sue

dandy-candy wrote: »

We had a big talk tonight and he said there’s no one else, he wouldn’t want anyone else, and he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He says no couples are like that after the honeymoon period. He knows I’m a very affectionate person and he doesn’t think he can give me what I want.

If he means the bit I've put in bold, then I'd hope that he'd be willing to go to Relate with you, or even to some more intimate couples therapy. Because many couples, even after many years, remain very affectionate, if not actually swinging from the chandeliers every night.

dandy-candy wrote: »

He knows I’m a very affectionate person and he doesn’t think he can give me what I want.

So there's a part of me which would be wanting to ask if he'd mind if you looked elsewhere for what [he thinks] you want!

Because, what IS it you want? By the sound of it, there's more wrong than the lack of physical affection: you're not talking, you're not going out and doing stuff together. What would be a good first step for you?

We (DH and I) can spend a lot of time together not doing very much. I find it's helpful if we go and see a film, have coffee out together - anything to stop us stagnating.

[Deleted User]

Personally I think 45 is too young for the OP to compromise / put up with diminishing affection.


I do think you have to respect your partners position and assuming he is not going through some sort of midlife crisis if he feels his stance is permanent then I think you have to consider whether this man is someone you can spend the next 30 / 40 possibly 50 yrs with.


Its not the worse thing in the world forging a new life at 45 but your partner not meeting your needs will be a source of increasing tension.

Retireby40

I just wonder how some people here would judge this if it was a man talking about his "needs".

Would we be so quick to just say you should look for someone else to fullfill your needs?

I think you have to weigh up everything. May be the relationship has run it's course. Maybe it even just stayed this long because of the kids.

While a lot of couples may maintain a high level of affection/sex etc into their 50s and 60s I would say there's probably more who are more dependant on the companionship and having support around than wanting to jump into the bedroom and get the toys out.

As I say I'm 20 years from that stage possibly but I can understand that with age and time things change. I can't remember the last time I passionately kissed my other half and our relationship is only 6 years old and we are under 35.

I wouldn't necessarily give up on the relationship just yet, however if you's are seemingly just together out of routine and habit then maybe a change would do you both good.

We don't know much more about what you's do together like holidays, socialising etc.

Pollycat

Retireby40 wrote: »

I just wonder how some people here would judge this if it was a man talking about his "needs".

I personally don't think I've judged anyone on this thread.
My responses would be exactly the same if the OP was a man.
I have no bias towards either sex.

Retireby40 wrote: »

Would we be so quick to just say you should look for someone else to fullfill your needs?

I personally don't think I've advised the OP to do anything of the sort.

Savvy_Sue

Retireby40 wrote: »

I just wonder how some people here would judge this if it was a man talking about his "needs".

Would we be so quick to just say you should look for someone else to fullfill your needs?

Actually, that's not what I was saying ... which was

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

So there's a part of me which would be wanting to ask if he'd mind if you looked elsewhere for what [he thinks] you want!

Personally, I think many men would be absolutely shocked horrified appalled at the idea that someone they say they love might look elsewhere to have their need for affection met, because they themselves are not willing to put themselves out to do so.

And if I had to ask DH this question, and he said that would be fine, I'd consider my marriage dead.

As it is, we're both prepared to put ourselves out to meet the other's needs.

One suggestion which I haven't seen made is whether he might be suffering from either depression, or ED, or both. If he was always like this, then I guess that's less likely. But it may be worth exploring ...

Pollycat

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

One suggestion which I haven't seen made is whether he might be suffering from either depression, or ED, or both. If he was always like this, then I guess that's less likely. But it may be worth exploring ...

I asked the OP this earlier:

Pollycat wrote: »

OP - is your husband happy at work?
Could he have any health worries?

The OP has since posted on another thread so maybe isn't coming back to answer any questions.

Gavin83

I'm a little disappointed that the OP appears to have ignored this thread and not posted since the initial post, especially given they've been here a while.

Exodi

I endorse Pollycat's train of thought regarding the partners work life, as this is often the case for me and my partner.

I can get stressed over work but more often than not, it's not worth talking about at home because it essentially carries the stress outside the workplace to the home.

After slogging it at the office all day to provide for your partner/family, getting home to deal with more of your partners needs can be the last thing on your mind. There's nothing sinister behind it.

Sadly my partner is a worrier, so the few times I have shared something with her, it's blown so far out of proportion that I then have to try comfort her on my issue, then becomes more stress.

YMMV

Pollycat

Exodi wrote: »

I endorse Pollycat's train of thought regarding the partners work life, as this is often the case for me and my partner.

The problem is without any answers or additional information from the OP, we're in the dark.

tlc678910

Hi,
You are 45 with grown up children. I am 39 with a one year old and a nine year old. You had your children young enough to "have a life" afterwards. It sounds like your partner has decided that he is ready for his pipe and slippers. I think you are too young for that and it doesn't sound like that is what you want.

I think you need some heavy duty discussions with your partner. Is he willing to try a new hobby or activity with you, to come on days out/travel/ have fun joint care of grandchildren if any. This doesn't need to be expensive and could be as simple as a well used National Trust membership. Is he wiling to put himself out to make you feel special now and then (date night, dinner with friends etc). If the answer to all of that is no ..he feels ready to throw in the towel and get old, then I think you need to consider remaining good friends but moving on. You might have more of your adult life ahead of you than behind you so be brave enough to make the right decision for you.

Tlc