Husband loves me but isn’t in love with me. What now?

dandy-candy

My husband and I have been together for 23 years and have 3 grown up kids. Now we have more time to ourselves I’ve noticed how distant he is. He never instigates the hugs, kisses or sex. He’s doesn’t talk to me much even, just watches tv or reads the paper. Our sex life has died to a couple of times a month and he isn’t bothered. He says there’s no one else and tbh he’s always home so it seems unlikely.

We had a big talk tonight and he said there’s no one else, he wouldn’t want anyone else, and he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He says no couples are like that after the honeymoon period. He knows I’m a very affectionate person and he doesn’t think he can give me what I want.

The worst part is I’m still madly in love with him. I think he’s wonderful and feel just like I did when we first got together, nothing has changed for me. I don’t know what happens now. I don’t want to stay in what is becoming a brother/sister relationship. We could split and maybe I will meet someone affectionate or maybe I will just be alone. Here he does take care of me so I have that security, but it feels very lonely. Im 45 and he’s 54 btw.

Does affection usually die down anyway? Am I unusual in expecting tenderness still? I don’t know where to go from here.

OldMusicGuy

I have a very different need for affection compared to my partner (I'm the more "physical" one). It's caused us issues in the past but we have talked about it and tried to understand the reasons why we are different. We have reached a point where we are ok from both sides, but it's required compromise.

However, we still enjoy doing things together, we have shared goals in life and our outlook is very similar. So while we do have some challenges on the "affection" front, we have so much in common that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Love is about more than physical attraction. I think that's the issue you need to address is do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, even if they don't meet all of your physical needs? You can have fun together without having physical relations.

From the way you described it, it does sound like your husband has "given up" on things a bit and just wants a quiet life. Is that what you want?

Gloomendoom

dandy-candy wrote: »

He says no couples are like that after the honeymoon period.

He's talking !!!!!!!!. There is a bigger age gap between me and my wife (I'm older than him and she's younger than you), we've been married over ten years and are still very "affectionate".

Pollycat

Gloomendoom wrote: »

He's talking !!!!!!!!. There is a bigger age gap between me and my wife (I'm older than him and she's younger than you), we've been married over ten years and are still very "affectionate".

I think that's possibly a slightly different scenario.
You married around age 54, the OP's husband was in his early 30s when they got together.
They've got grown-up kids together which you couldn't possibly have after a 10 year marriage unless you'd been together for a number of years before you married.

I think OldMusicGuy's post is very good.
Maybe there is ground for compromise if both parties are willing to try.
It doesn't matter what other people's relationship is like, it's what you are happy with.
The OP doesn't mention hobbies, maybe there is scope for them to do things together.
Maybe go out for meals, like a date night with no sexual expectation at the end.


OP - is your husband happy at work?
Could he have any health worries?

Gavin83

Did you have more sex when the kids were younger and still at home then? So is this a recent development or has it always been like this but you figured once the kids were gone you'd have more time for affection?

pollypenny

I would say that 'in love' is something from the heady days in the beginning of a relationship.

If you're lucky it grows into something more special. OH and I are part of each other. We love each, occasionally annoy one another, but contentment and real, deep affection lasts. He's my right arm!

There's an old saying - kissing don't last, cooking do.

Totally ungrammatical, but with an element of truth. And he's a damn cook cook.

Doodles

This will have come as a bit of a shock by the sounds of it, so my advice is not to make any rash decisions just yet.

You need time to process this. He has laid his cards on the table, and you will need to decide what, if anything, you wish to do. So take a little time out to yourself, let it sink in and I think your feeling about whether you want to continue like this or not will become clearer.

But I will say that it's normal to expect tenderness in any stage of your relationship, so you are certainly not unusual!

richardw

dandy-candy wrote: »

....He’s doesn’t talk to me much even, just watches tv or reads the paper.....

That’s lots in the paper he could talk to you about, even the varying price of Mother’s Day flowers is a talking point.

Primrose

Tell him you would like a hug! OFTEN , and give him a spontaneous hug and say Thank you" every time he does something for you in the house. Gratitude is a habit easily forgotten if not practiced regularly. Get back into the habit and maybe he will get the message. It,s easy to take each other for granted over the years.

Some people can be like children. They need to be continually reminded of the basics in learning how to live graciously and happily together. It's like learning to say Please and Thank You. The more you both practice the better he will hopefully get at it.

We,ve been married twice as long as you and still manage to show our affection for each other. He's copping out. If he,s genuine about still loving you he needs to bear in mind what your emotional needs are and start making more of an effort.

maman

My DH went through a similar thing at a similar age. He didn't say it in so many words but was less 'physical'. I put it down to worries and stresses of his job at the time. I was sad at the time but we enjoy being together and definitely no chance of him looking elsewhere as he didn't have the energy or the time. It's come good over time.

Retireby40

Do you's each have your own hobbies and lives away from each other ( as much as a married couple can)?

Do they have hobbies that don't involve You? Likewise do you have hobbies away from them. Could you's potentially spending so much time together just pottering about the house that the time yous have together has just become constant.