Advice Needed on how to get my brother to move out !!

FallOutBoy

hi everyone! i needed some advice, and i saw similar threads on the forums, and i have nowhere else to go, so i figured i'd try here.
i'm a junior in highschool, i'm 17, with a steady job ( been working there for about seven months, first job, yay ) and life's been pretty okay.
my half-brother, we'll call him K, is almost 29, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or an apartment. he doesn't have a care in the world. i feel, as does my dad, that K is taking advantage of my family. he doesn't pay rent, and he doesn't pull his own weight. nothing, no chores, no assistance with the parents or pets. he moved back in the house when i was about 9, maybe earlier, i forget, but he moved in with his girlfriend, and they came here. when his girlfriend dumped him, which was about 7 years ago, he had a job for a while, but he got fired. ( causing issues with the other workers ). all he does is smoke and waste resources, which is cruel to say, i'll admit. i know for a fact that he's also stolen my things ( such as video games, game consoles, clothes, etc ) and sold them for profit. he hasn't had a job in a long time, and he doesn't contribute to bill payments, cleanliness of the house, etc. he's had job opportunities thrown in his lap, and he's denied every single one, because he "doesn't want to do physical labour" or because he uses his social anxiety as a crutch to deny things asked of him. he really only stays home and smokes, and he doesn't even clean out the ashtray. i'm scared, not only for myself, but my parents, because of second hand smoke. i know i have it, and i don't want them to get it either. the only time he ever does go out of the house is to go buy cigarettes at my work ( i work at a retail place ) and embarrasses me, as he goes in his pajamas. i don't know where he's getting the money from, but i'm suspicious. my dad also complains because of the same reasons listed here. he dropped out of college and it seems he ( K ) has no motivation to do anything. my dad has said that if his anxiety is that bad, he should "apply for disability" i quote from him. i'm scared for my parents because my dad is close to retiring age, and my mom doesnt have a 401K. i don't want them to spend their money on someone who doesn't even thank them in the slightest. my mom gets mad at my dad whenever he brings it up, and they're supposed to talk about it tonight, or sometime soon, at least. i just want a way to ensure he ( K ) doesn't suffer but my parents don't suffer either, or at the least, my parents don't enable my brother, and he gets the hell out of the house and stops taking advantage of my parents.

thorsoak

Reading your post, I think that you are in the USA but this forum is based in the UK, and any advice that we might have which would be relevant in this country may not apply in the US. But this is not really this problem to solve - it is your parents' problem. Talk to them - have you other relatives that you can talk to as well?

FallOutBoy

i am in the usa, apologies for not knowing about the forum's location. oops. i can talk to my grandma, but i don't think she really seems to understand, and my mom gets mad when my dad brings it up- i figure i shouldn't get involved in "adult issues" ( despite almost being an adult myself ) as they are older than me and i figure a 'child'/teen shouldn't get involved in issues that are not my own, because i don't want to create added stress onto their backs, so i choose not to bring it up to my mom.

Pollycat

Thorsoak is right.
It is for your parents to sort this out.
That is the advice that you'd get if you lived in Manchester.

From what you've said, I guess your half-brother is your Mum's son. Yes?

If it is such an issue for your parents, your Dad needs to get your Mum on-side and have a discussion with your half-brother about what is acceptable and what their ongoing expectations are of him.

If your Gran is your Mum's Mum, she may have a different opinion of 'K' than if she's your Dad's Mum as he may or may not be her grandson.
Why is she having problems understanding the situation.

Are your parents aware that he has stolen items from you?

I disagree that you shouldn't get involved in adult issues because of your age.
If you are contributing to the household and he isn't - either physically with chores or financially with part of your income, you are being unfairly treated by your parents and are entitled to let them know how you feel.
But ultimately, it is for your parents to deal with him..

LandyAndy

FallOutBoy wrote: »

hi everyone! i needed some advice, and i saw similar threads on the forums, and i have nowhere else to go, so i figured i'd try here.
i'm a junior in highschool, i'm 17, with a steady job ( been working there for about seven months, first job, yay ) and life's been pretty okay.
my half-brother, we'll call him K, is almost 29, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or an apartment. he doesn't have a care in the world. i feel, as does my dad, that K is taking advantage of my family. he doesn't pay rent, and he doesn't pull his own weight. nothing, no chores, no assistance with the parents or pets. he moved back in the house when i was about 9, maybe earlier, i forget, but he moved in with his girlfriend, and they came here. when his girlfriend dumped him, which was about 7 years ago, he had a job for a while, but he got fired. ( causing issues with the other workers ). all he does is smoke and waste resources, which is cruel to say, i'll admit. i know for a fact that he's also stolen my things ( such as video games, game consoles, clothes, etc ) and sold them for profit. he hasn't had a job in a long time, and he doesn't contribute to bill payments, cleanliness of the house, etc. he's had job opportunities thrown in his lap, and he's denied every single one, because he "doesn't want to do physical labour" or because he uses his social anxiety as a crutch to deny things asked of him. he really only stays home and smokes, and he doesn't even clean out the ashtray. i'm scared, not only for myself, but my parents, because of second hand smoke. i know i have it, and i don't want them to get it either. the only time he ever does go out of the house is to go buy cigarettes at my work ( i work at a retail place ) and embarrasses me, as he goes in his pajamas. i don't know where he's getting the money from, but i'm suspicious. my dad also complains because of the same reasons listed here. he dropped out of college and it seems he ( K ) has no motivation to do anything. my dad has said that if his anxiety is that bad, he should "apply for disability" i quote from him. i'm scared for my parents because my dad is close to retiring age, and my mom doesnt have a 401K. i don't want them to spend their money on someone who doesn't even thank them in the slightest. my mom gets mad at my dad whenever he brings it up, and they're supposed to talk about it tonight, or sometime soon, at least. i just want a way to ensure he ( K ) doesn't suffer but my parents don't suffer either, or at the least, my parents don't enable my brother, and he gets the hell out of the house and stops taking advantage of my parents.

In case anyone else can't read the original

hb2

I agree with Pollycat that your age is not the reason we are saying this isn't your problem. The simple fact is that nothing you can say to your brother will make any difference as long as your parents are letting him get away with this behaviour.

Pragmatically, it could be that you will actually move out and build your own life while he is still refusing to help himself

Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this? Not necessarily someone who can change the situation, but just someone who can listen and understand?

ska_lover

Hmmmm

Several things jump out at me here.

Forcing (what clearly seems to me) to be a mentally ill person to 'get the hell out of the house' - is abuse.

OP you refer them to 'my family' and not 'our family'.

anxiety disorder is debilitating illness, and can easily make holding down a job an unrealistic prospect...and much much worse. It is long term. it doesnt change overnight. This is a long term serious issue that needs long term professional help

Suicide is the biggest killer of males under the age of 45 - worldwide and it does not help that there is such a stigma (even from peoples own families) that there is little understanding

I think the best thing long term, for all of you, is to assist him into treatment and therapy. Treatment for him and help for you all as a family

The current blame culture household, your brother is living in, is going to make him worse

If he is not guided towards mental health treatment, this is just storing up problems for the future

Ultimately though he needs to accept the help. - that is the very key.

Look at him though OP, no 29 year old choses to live like this

Pollycat

ska_lover wrote: »

Hmmmm

Several things jump out at me here.

Forcing (what clearly seems to me) to be a mentally ill person to 'get the hell out of the house' - is abuse.

OP you refer them to 'my family' and not 'our family'.

anxiety disorder is debilitating illness, and can easily make holding down a job an unrealistic prospect...and much much worse. It is long term. it doesnt change overnight. This is a long term serious issue that needs long term professional help

Suicide is the biggest killer of males under the age of 45 - worldwide and it does not help that there is such a stigma (even from peoples own families) that there is little understanding

I think the best thing long term, for all of you, is to assist him into treatment and therapy. Treatment for him and help for you all as a family

The current blame culture household, your brother is living in, is going to make him worse

If he is not guided towards mental health treatment, this is just storing up problems for the future

Ultimately though he needs to accept the help. - that is the very key.

Look at him though OP, no 29 year old choses to live like this

The bib may be hard to achieve here in the UK (given stretched resources) but in the USA...

pinkshoes

Other than buying a safe for your valuable stuff and perhaps putting CCTV in your room, then there is nothing you can do.

I'm assuming he is your Mum's son and step son of your dad?

Your dad needs to grow some balls and tell your mum that changes need to be made or else he will move out himself (with you??) or something like that!

ska_lover

Pollycat wrote: »

The bib may be hard to achieve here in the UK (given stretched resources) but in the USA...

The bib? No idea what is meant by that sorry Polly

If you mean getting help is hard, a long road - yes. Yes it is.

The sooner plans are put in place, to gain help for all involved, the better.

Pollycat

ska_lover wrote: »

The bib? No idea what is meant by that sorry Polly

If you mean getting help is hard, a long road - yes. Yes it is.

The sooner plans are put in place, to gain help for all involved, the better.

Sorry, my bad.
bib = bit in bold.

It doesn't sound like the OP's parents have a lot of money (no 401k which I think is to with a pension).

Getting help here in the UK is hard.
For the OP's parents in the USA it might be nigh on possible to afford.

Maybe the OP could come back and comment on whether his parents have appropriate medical cover in place to even think about helping this chap through the mental illness he may or may not be eventually diagnosed with.