Advice Needed on how to get my brother to move out !!

TBagpuss

I think, as others have saidm that you cannot change this.

What you can do, is to look out for yourself.

Specifically:
1. Look at ways to ensure that your property is safe. Would your paretns agree to you having a lock on your bedroom door, so that your brother can't get in and steal your things? If not, consider whether you can achieve a secure space some other way - for instnace adding a padlock to a cupboard or locker in your room.
2. Make sure that you are putting your savings into your own bank account so you are biuilding up savings which he can't get at. Right now your most pressing need may befor a car, but it will give you a start on being able to move out in due course, when you are older.
3. You can't stop you brother from smoking around you or your parents, it's your parents' house so they would have to be the ones to set thouse boundaries. You could *ask* your paretns if they would be willing to put some rules in place - maybe no smoking in the main living room / kitchen, for instnace. You could look into buiying a small air purifier which you could have in your own room, which can help to cut down on the amount of smoke hanging around.

If you haven't done so before, you can tell your paretns about the things your brother has stolen from you. I don't know whether you can file a police report and to be honest, given what I know about the criminal justice system in the USA I would think very hard before going down that route (althoguh it may be somthing that you say to your brother, that you will be filing police reports if anything more of yours goies missing. If he isn't stelaing stuff, he would have no reaseon to be concered about you doing so, if he is, then it may discourage him from stealing from you.

I think one very difficult thing we all have to learn as we go through life is that you cannot change other people. You can't change your mum, and make her set the boundaries you would like. You can't change your dad, and make him stand up to her / your brother. You can't change your brother.
You can only change yourself, and support others if / when they do staret to try to change.
You can chose how you react to other people. And part of that can include accepting that you can't change other people and that you are not responsible for then rescuing them from the consequences of the choices which they may.

In yur case, that may mean accepting that your parents are choosing to support your brother in ways which may have finacial implications for them, and that you can't stop thjem, but you also are not responsible for them rescuing them financially or otherwise,either now or later.

I also agree with other posters that your brother may well be ill rather than lzy. Depression can make it incredidibly hard to do even apparently easy things like acceptinga job, or working. Simply getting out of bed and getting dressed can be really hard. Your brother may or may not have health issues which mean it really is harder for him than would be for most people, but again, you can't make him seek treatment (even if treatment is available / affordable).

Do you have anyone like a guidance counsellor at school who you can talk to so you have some support?

ska_lover

FallOutBoy wrote: »

hi all! i appreciate your help and assistance here. as for the mental health assessment with my brother, my parents don't take too kindly to such things- being mental health issues. when i was younger, i self-harmed, ( using this as an example. ) and they did nothing. they told my entire family that i was just attention seeking, and they grounded me for it. as for the funding for therapy, my parents have had a bout of bad luck, and issues pile up. issues that require money to fix. car problems, house problems, problems with our pets. i don't think we can afford it. my mom's suggested that my brother go to a doctor, which, he does need a check up. when my dad heard of this, he said they need to "see what's wrong with him." i don't like the way my brother is being treated by him, because yeah, nobody wants to live like this- but we don't even know if my brother will get the check-up.
.

Hi again.

Sorry but your parents attitude to mental health issues is very poor.

It isn't their fault, it is lack of education, and I do not mean that in a bad way towards your folks, but their inability to realise what is going on - is not going to do themselves or your brother - any favours. There is enough stigma in the world about mental health issues, without his own parents feeling in such ways

To get grounded for self harming is awful. I hope you, yourself, are feeling better now. How did you feel when you were grounded and they told your whole family that you were attention seeking!!? ..I think you can see where I am coming from with that - and in turn with your previous issue, maybe understand your bro a bit better

In fact, I would go as far as to say that your parents are making their own lives harder, in the future, by not acting. In plain speaking, untreated, your brother may well still be like he is in ten years, in twenty years.... and this will impact your parents later years as they get older, and in turn, you. Yes you may well have moved out by then, however, you will still be a family

How does your brother feel about this doctors appointment? Has he ever seen a doctor before, for similar reasons? He really does need to go. He really does.

In life, we need to prioritise - what is most important if finances are low. Your brothers health is more important than fixing a car / fixing the house.

Sorting your brothers health out is an investment in the family:-
An investment in making sure your brother has a brighter future
An investment in your parents future, so they can have a worry free time when they get older

Trust me, I know what I am talking about, burying this stuff does NOT make it go away...it festers and gets worse.

I think you should show this thread to your parents

I do not have anything else to offer in that regard as I cannot emphasise any more what I am saying above, but if you feel you want to keep talking falloutboy, I will respond

Take care of yourself

[Deleted User]

This is probably a daft suggestion but I will make it anyway. Have you thought of writing to Dr Phil on your brother's behalf? You might have to write more than once or twice.

I know this is hard, but I think I'd be a little bit more critical of your parents. Yes they are doing the best they can but they are, I am afraid, neglecting issues both you and your brother have/had. This doesn't make them bad, but they do need to open their eyes and look for solutions, refocus.

I am concerned for both of you. I wonder if there is a lot of negativity going on (while supporting your brother, there is also a lot of criticism/blame so he doesn't even begin to get to a place where he can find ways of getting healthier because he thinks its all his fault/impossible. To do this one has to have hope of things getting better)? I say this because of your parents reaction when you were in a bad place (and still are, I suspect).

But before anything else, your brother needs an assessment. I gather they aren't always brilliant in the US, but I hope a good centre can be found. Going to the shops in pyjamas is an indication of a mental dysfunction, as are other things you have mentioned.

Well done for being such a bright insightful person. I can imagine your life hasn't been at all easy.