It's complicated, but I'm optimistic.

Hazelnutty

It can be done amicably XH and I did it on gov.uk with no solicitors involved (you just pay a flat fee - I think in the region of £500). We're currently doing a clean break order (again all online, about £200) which allows us to lay out the division of assets we've agreed and get that signed off by a judge so in the future no-one can try to get access to things like pensions. We totally trust each other but wanted to put the CBO in place to prevent any current/future partners or family members behaving badly if one of us died  A CBO is only possible (I think) when you no longer have any joint assets (we divvied up before finalising divorce) so wouldn't work for you in your circs but the consent order would do the same job. But just wanted to say that it can be done amicably. Not everyone's out for as much as they can get or wants to laugh with their mates at their ex's expense.
I earn quite a lot less than XH, so we agreed I'd have the house as my lower salary meant the equity would help me keep a decent roof over mine and our daughter's head. He took all the savings as his salary would support him buying a good house anyway. The settlement recognised that we needed different things out of the division. I've had to save hard, to economise and make hard decisions to keep on top of bills and build some savings - more than he has, and it has been difficult to see him go off on weekends away, eat out etc. But I do know it was the right and fair way to go about it. 
So I guess that was a roundabout way of saying you know the history, you have a good sense of what you feel is right. It sounds as if with a bit of planning and keeping communication channels open you can get this done, keep the family close and set yourself up well for the future. Good luck!

Mnd

When I split with my first wife, we didn't involve solicitors at all. We sat down with our Financial Advisor. Went through mortgage. house value. pensions etc. Agreed it all amicably, he drew up the document we both signed both copies and went our separate ways. Basically I ended up with the house and mortgage. She had the cash. And I payed a pre agreed amount when I took my works pension. All worked fine. Good luck in the future 

Singlespeeder

Hazelnutty said:

It can be done amicably XH and I did it on gov.uk with no solicitors involved (you just pay a flat fee - I think in the region of £500). We're currently doing a clean break order (again all online, about £200) which allows us to lay out the division of assets we've agreed and get that signed off by a judge so in the future no-one can try to get access to things like pensions. We totally trust each other but wanted to put the CBO in place to prevent any current/future partners or family members behaving badly if one of us died  A CBO is only possible (I think) when you no longer have any joint assets (we divvied up before finalising divorce) so wouldn't work for you in your circs but the consent order would do the same job. But just wanted to say that it can be done amicably. Not everyone's out for as much as they can get or wants to laugh with their mates at their ex's expense.
I earn quite a lot less than XH, so we agreed I'd have the house as my lower salary meant the equity would help me keep a decent roof over mine and our daughter's head. He took all the savings as his salary would support him buying a good house anyway. The settlement recognised that we needed different things out of the division. I've had to save hard, to economise and make hard decisions to keep on top of bills and build some savings - more than he has, and it has been difficult to see him go off on weekends away, eat out etc. But I do know it was the right and fair way to go about it. 
So I guess that was a roundabout way of saying you know the history, you have a good sense of what you feel is right. It sounds as if with a bit of planning and keeping communication channels open you can get this done, keep the family close and set yourself up well for the future. Good luck!

HN thanks you so much for this, it's lovely to read.
I know we can keep it amicable, as I want the EW to be comfortable. She didn't do anything WRONG, but didn't stop us from growing apart either. I'm very happy now. I will walk away with effectively nothing at all. I'm ok with this. I'm not materialistic. I can sleep at night with a relatively clear conscience.
My new partner is incredibly good with money and has shown me we don't NEED credit in any form, other than a mortgage in due course. So that's where I'm heading to. Debt free.
I believe we can sort this so we're both reasonably happy.

Hazelnutty

Singlespeeder Yes sometimes that happens. I had to move quite a long way away for work and our daughter came with me. Those journeys just became a chore, we were doing up the house and the whole thing was a drudge. We didn't put enough effort into us. Although it was my decision to split we both took our share of responsibility and the financial split was fair. Unfortunately a lot of people have terrible experiences with separations and put their experiences onto you when you talk about yours. I got a lot of that, trying to get me to get more out of him, play hard ball. Why? I care about him, he hasn't done anything wrong and he's DD's dad.  So priority has been to be good parents and decent human beings rather than to get the best for us as individuals. Sounds to me like you've got this as long as you keep communicating with your ex and firm things up legally when you're ready. 

Andyjflet

Singlespeeder said:

I'm Abington and near the Cricket Ground. 

Know it well, I often go into the Abington pub and walk round the park, I'm near Moulton

Singlespeeder

Singlespeeder said:

Afternoon all, things are sort of slow going at the moment as we're sort of working out the finer details of the divorce.
The odd thing is it's bought me a bit of time, and space. I'm now only paying the interest on the big debt (£24,700), it's about £115 a month (I wonder if it'll decrease with the 0.5% interest rate drop ?? , I've been told the mortgage will from April and as the loan rate is based on the mortgage rate, it might !!) . I reluctant to pay more off as the divorce deal may include me picking some of it up, and I'd rather pay any more money of MY portion of it.... if that makes any sense. Writing that , I wonder if I should really continue hitting it as hard as I can
I continue to pay the mortgage (overpaying still by 107% ( again this may increase as the mortgage rate drops )) I don't have a problem with that.
The daughters phone contract I'm paying finishes in May/June so that'll be £50 pcm to the good.
I sorted though a load of paperwork yesterday and realized I've not used a credit card in over a year ... so why do I still have 2?  I phoned Lloyds and got rid of that one. I'll keep the Barclaycard, for now. 
So, I have a single large debt, which I'm maintaining. No O/D. No credit. I've finally started trying to build an Emergency Fund of £1000 .... it's slow going but I'll get there.
Loving my new Starling account as I can control my money really well with it. All accounts should be like this.
Hoping the Divorce will be sorted in the next 6 months, and my future will be much clearer. It's brighter than it was.

Latest Update - 
Divorce - could be sorted in the next month, but might take 3 or 4. Nisi came through 20th April so we can apply for the Absolute from 2nd June...... The Consent Order and Clean Break is with the courts currently, though have been informed they are moving at a glacial pace .... maybe 14 weeks or more  that's another 3 months ! Only upside is the more payments I make off the mortgage and debt, the less I'll owe at the end. 3 months could bring the final figure down to under £11,000 ..... that'll be all the debt I have ! Sounds a lot but I'll have come from circa £82k.   I'll get that cleared fairly quickly. 
With the mortgage interest rate drop I'm now overpaying by 10.43%, not much but better than nothing and it's reducing my liability.
Daughters Phone - last payment just made, and hopefully due a refund. That's £50 a month towards other debt. She was talking about taking on a new phone ( has a high spec iPhone8 + ) for £55 a month ! Talked her into a £15 sim only. She's paying for it.
Emergency Fund is slowly growing, now about £600, which as a renter should cover most issues.  
The Starling account is superb. Highly recommended. 
I'm in a good place and making steady progress. Hopefully big improvements in the near future.
  
 

   

Singlespeeder

Update -  due to WFH during lockdown and with no likelihood of returning to the office any time soon, I've finally received a rebate on my train season ticket, which I used to pay the 'Family' debt down by £400 With not paying for the train at £166 a month I should be able to clear this debt in the next 2 months.
Also boosted EF to £920.
On the Divorce front the Consent Order got rejected  for a typo and some semantics. Currently being rewritten and then back to the courts.
I'm getting there.

Singlespeeder

TBH this could probably be moved to the Diary section

Singlespeeder

So this has turned into more of a Diary.
I have to admit to being somewhat obsessed with money now, in a good way. Maybe not obsessed, maybe more in control.
I check my accounts several times a day and generally know exactly where they are at, what's pending , what's coming in and going out.
As I go to sleep of a night I review the day, the week the month etc and tweek the plans for the future.
Last nights thoughts have lead to today's shufflings.
I have a Starling account and LOVE it ! Having ring fenced spaces is so helpful to me.
I've said repeatedly one of my best moves was to have an Annuals pot. It used to be a physical envelope but is now a Starling space. I made a list of ALL 'annual only' expenditure and divided it by 12. So Christmas, birthdays, car tax/insurance/mot/breakdown etc. I figured it came to about £1500 so £125 a month, rounded up to £150 (£1800 a year) ... that should cover most things (and hopefully leave a little bonus nudge). By far my worst month is January as it's just after Christmas, and the car insurance , mot and tax all go out ... around £650 ! This usually previously went onto a credit card and probably didn't get paid off. But now, including this year, I HAD THE CASH to pay it all upfront, 1 go, no monthly payments and associated interest, I win all round. It's been a revelation!  I'm up to nearly £500 in there again now.... which leads me to the Emergency Fund!
I never had one. 
This year the van went in for it's MOT (also January) and needed 4 new tyres, £260 on top of the Insurance and tax ! I had enough for the insurance and tax but not the tyres. Luckily my partner loaned me the money and all was ok. This highlighted the requirement for an EF! So I set to work on it. This month it reached £920. My target is £1000.
Last nights thoughts were thus .... I don't need to walk around with £1000 in my wallet in case of emergencies. I need access to the EF, that's all. So I probably don't need £1000 just sat gathering dust and 0.09p interest a month. Remember, I still have £500 + in my Annuals space if I NEEDED MONEY FAST! 
So this morning I've transferred £500 to my Annuals space ( now £986) which is now also my EF. I'll still pay £150 a month in there but have a much bigger cushion should I need it.
I've also bought another £425 worth of Premium Bonds, taking me up to £500. I may as well have the chance of some 'winnings' on the PB's as the interest on savings is effectively zero. I can get to the money if I need it.
I feel I'm making good progress.

Singlespeeder

The divorce has hit another hiccough.

The mutally agreed Consent Order has been rejected again by the Judge, with no reason given.

The ex can't get her very modest remortgage with the CO.

This bit has taken 10 weeks so far and now we have to wait for a date to go to court.

Neither of us can figure out why a mutally agreed arrangement, one we're both happy with, is being disrupted.

It was drawn up by a solicitor and checked and modified by another.

We both want it for the Clean Break.

Hopefully the court date will come through in the not too distant future and it'll be a bit of a formality.

Not sure what would happen if we just proceeded with the arrangements set out in the CO... or if we can apply for the Absolute ( been able to since the start of June)

Til then I continue to pay the mortgage and debt.