Coping with Terminal Illness

floss2

Just one bit of advice - my mum got fed up of being treated as though she was dying all the time - she really appreciated "normal" behaviour (having a little b*&^h about neighbours or well-meaning visitors, bickering, gossip etc) and "normal" events like going out for lunch for her 75 birthday, and showing her what clothes i'd bought when I'd been shopping.

Your life will carry on, and although it is very hard to do so, you have to let it run in parallel to what is happening with your mum - there may well be times when you want or need to have "normal" things too.

The most important thing is that this is a time to say everything you thought you'd have years to say, and it's comforting to tell & be told that you are loved, even if you already know inside. A lot of people are more frank & open when faced with a situation like this, which can make things hard to hear, but there are nice bits to find out, like when your mum was a little girl, or when your parents were first married, or what your grandparents were like.

:grouphug:

Love Floss xx

candygirl

Hugs to you hun, I know how difficult and shocking it must be for you as my dad was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer in March, and my best friend with breast cancer 3 weeks ago.All we can really do is be there for them as much as we possibly can.It is a horrible situation, but hopefully we will both have time to spend with our loved ones, and do everything we can to help them:(
I have found it useful researching the diseases online, to get everything clear in my head.
If you need a chat pm or msn me anytime.

jannyannie

Hi Saxy

I lost my Stepson to cancer 4 years ago when he was 17. I also nurse people who have terminal illnesses. I know how hard it is and my heart goes out to you.

I know our Andrew found it a great support to do things that were "normal" such as seeing his friends, going on holiday, going to gigs. It was really hard to watch part of him being taken away every day but I think this has helped me to be a better person and to understand the needs of people who are dying and thier families. We had fantastic care from our children's community nurses and Demelza house who took care of us all. Just one thing, people may not behave in the way you expect them to. It may seem a bit hard or starnge but it's thier way of coping. Four years on there is not a day that goes by where we do not miss our Andrew. I don't know if you have children. I used an organisation called Winston's Wish to explain things to our Son, who couldn't understand and kept asking me when Andrew was coming back.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love. Feel free to pm me :A

Di

sorry to hear your news saxy.

you say her speach is going/gone. perhaps you can suggest that she keeps a little pad to write down things that she would like you to know when shes gone. a goodbye if you like. oddly enough there was an article on this in the mail on sundays 'you' magazine, may be its on thier web page.
this would be as well as talking/communicating directly. i dont believe its ever to early for her to do this, its not an acceptance the shes going to die next week.

my husband died 3 weeks ago and it pains me that he didnt do this, he deteriated very quickly and lost the mental and physical strength.

dazed

saxy1 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies, it just helps to talk to people who have 'been there' My mum has Motor Neurone Disease and this has mostly affected her speach so far, she has to write things down, this is what I miss most at the moment, just not being able to have our little chats.

S

Hi

I have just lost me dad (yesterday) to Motor Neurone Disease, Asbestosis and a collapsed Lung. I have seen him deteriorate massively from a strong healthly bloke to nothing at all. That Hurts. As you are probably already aware.

Things get worse from there but they do strangely get better. The Thing that hurt the most to me was the fact that I could do NOTHING to stop it/them.

I was helpless. Me Dad going from how I know him to someone that could not wipe his own bum or even speak to me knowing that he was getting frustrated at not being able to hurt me more that anyone could imagine.

BUT. Me Mam had it 24/7 she has been with me Dad since they were 14 (52 Years!) so you do look at that and think HOW DO THEY DO IT! Even though you know how so to speak!

Yesterday when me Dad went the relief was massive. He died with dignity, in no pain, he kept his pride and me Mam did too. She Knew that she had done all she could and me Dad told me that too via notes and JUST KNOWING!

I am on a bit of a rant as I still dont know what time it is or where I am. But I know me Dad is happier now and so is me Mam.

All you can do is just be their and the rest will come naturally. Trust me. If you need to talk or whatever then PM me otherwise I hope this post makes some sense.

If not then I am sure there are others that will be able to assist you as never forget you are not the only one going through it.

Be strong

Dave

saxy1

Dazed - I have PM'd you.

Saxy

Stargirl_3

Sorry to hear about your situation. I also lost my mum through illness. I guess what worked for me was to spend all the time I could with her whilst I still had her, and then grieve when she had gone. Of course, its not quite as black and white as that and much more difficult to put a brave face on, but as others have said, use the time enjoying what you still have and telling her what you want to say.

All the best.

vivatifosi

Hi saxy,

I've just had the all-clear after living under the cancer cloud myself for 18 months. At the same time my Mum has been seriously ill/deteriorating condition with breast cancer and I've lost my father in law to alzheimers.

My Mum behaved differently to me when faced with these problems. Her way of dealing with things was to go, sit by herself, be reflective. Mine was to want to challenge everything, to look things up. My FIL's was to be in denial and try to pretend the awful things that were happening to him weren't. None of us wanted a fuss made, though we all felt vulnerable. In fact the whole tea and sympathy can make you feel rather guilty yet a part of you really needs it! Bizzarre eh? All of our ways of dealing with the potential for death were different, and it may help if you can think how your Mum thinks.

Don't be surprised if she sometimes wants to be alone, sometimes wants to plan things that you don't want to contemplate, sometimes looks reflective. I'm not a huggy person, but I wanted to hug Mum so much, which because it was so alien to us made it even more special.

Sorry, I'm making a hash of this, but what I'm trying to say is that everyone has their own path and way of dealing with things. It can be really hard to make those awful decisions - but as everyone else has said, get the best support network you can. True friends, close family, professional support.

I'm offline for the weekend now but wanted to give you my best wishes before I sign off.

Poppy9

Saxy, thinking of you (and others who have posted on here and made me weep!)

It's almost 20 years since I lost my mother to cancer. We only had weeks from diagnosis to her dying. She didn't want to talk to us about her dying, she wanted normality. It was her way of dealing with it. After initially being told she had just weeks not months I locked myself away for a couple of days and just ranted & raved etc, then I had to pull myself together. She needed me and I had to be strong. I did find I had shut down emotionally as it was the only way I could keep a brave face for my mother.

You will have lows and silly thoughts will pop into your head. I remember watching some TV series and thinking my mother will never see the last episode!! I didn't really give a stuff about things like that but it was my way of facing upto the fact that she'd seen her last Easter and I would have a years of firsts without her. A first Christmas, a first birthday etc.

You will find a way of getting through this time, you have to so you will. When it all gets too much and you want to rant and rave you can come on here as you will get lots of support.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

saxy1

Just wanted to let you all know that my lovely mum passed away this afternoon (20/12/07) and thank you all for your kindness and support.

xxx