I would like to ask people’s opinions on my fathers death.

Mrstephen

It’s hard to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is a smart women, she works as a corporate secretary. She recently dealt with her dads estate.
My dad had to lend £10,000 off her sister because she wouldn’t lend it to him. A partnership is about helping each other.
She took life insurance out on my dad not long after marriage.
She encouraged my dad to get rid of a lot of his belongings. Which I understand why she did. It was because if he didn’t get rid of his things. She would not be able to move her stuff out of her father’s house to sell. I understand that. My farther was an horder of old stuff. He Scrapped a classic jaguar s type he had since he was a teenager. It was sad seeing all his things that he was sentimentally attached to go, only to see her moving in boxes and boxes of clothes and hundreds of pairs of shoes. Enough to fill a whole unfurnished bedroom completely from floor to ceiling.

I’ve never been rude to her. I understand that you have to show drunk people more tolerance and forgiveness. It’s hard when you’ve only ever had their time when their already drunk.
It was using 2 big rottweilers to bully my 4 and 5 year old boys that I couldn’t forgive. She was insistent on bringing them in my nans next door. Again, I understand that. She didn’t have kids, so they were “her girls”. She probably felt left out of the family. She’s socially awkward. I get that, so am I. But one time, when I left the room, one of the dogs backed my boy into a corner and growled at him. Her response was to hug the dog and say “Mummy don’t care who you hurt, mummy will always love you” that was in front of my wife and 14 year old daughter. I didn’t even tell my dad. A few months ago, my wife bumped into her. My wife mentioned that we should come over because it’s been a while since we’d seen them. Her response was ‘you better not because of the nasty nasty dogs”. So I have my reasons for disliking her. I think they’re justified. But after seeing people’s responses on this thread. I’m probably just using all these excuses to blame her. I’m still being civil with her, as hard as it is.

74jax

Mrstephen wrote: »

It’s hard to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is a smart women, she works as a corporate secretary. She recently dealt with her dads estate.
I don't understand why her being smart is wrong?

My dad had to lend £10,000 off her sister because she wouldn’t lend it to him. A partnership is about helping each other.
To a degree. Why did he need it, was he always taking money from her, 10k is a lot. He obviously got on with her family or her sister wouldn't have lent it. I don't e anything wrong with this, especially as he was an alcoholic. She probably saw him wasting money.

She took life insurance out on my dad not long after marriage.
I did with my husband, its the smart thing to do. And you did say she is smart. .

She encouraged my dad to get rid of a lot of his belongings. Which I understand why she did. It was because if he didn’t get rid of his things. She would not be able to move her stuff out of her father’s house to sell. I understand that. My farther was an horder of old stuff. He Scrapped a classic jaguar s type he had since he was a teenager. It was sad seeing all his things that he was sentimentally attached to go, only to see her moving in boxes and boxes of clothes and hundreds of pairs of shoes. Enough to fill a whole unfurnished bedroom completely from floor to ceiling.
Your dad had too much junk, it needed to go. Who cares how many shoes she has, your dad needed to declutter and he did.


But one time, when I left the room, one of the dogs backed my boy into a corner and growled at him. Her response was to hug the dog and say “Mummy don’t care who you hurt, mummy will always love you” that was in front of my wife and 14 year old daughter. I didn’t even tell my dad.
This is the only thing I think is wrong. I'd have told dad. I'd have also never gone back either with the dogs there.


. But after seeing people’s responses on this thread. I’m probably just using all these excuses to blame her. I’m still being civil with her, as hard as it is.

I think when you talk to friends, they are agreeing with you because you are putting your version to them. They are your friends. We are all non entities to you. From what you have put you want to blame someone other than your dad for being an alcoholic. Sometimes people die and no one is to blame. It is hard. Very very hard. My dad died 3 years ago. I'm angry, he had cancer, no one to blame so the anger eats me at times. You take each day as it comes.

SevenOfNine

Sadly, you lost your father. There will be resentment, recriminations, blame, anger, grief, a whole bucket load of mixed emotions. You can't fix a lot of what went wrong & you'll turn yourself inside out trying. Let it go.

Whatever she did or didn't do, you cannot change it. Your dad was his own man, a functioning alcoholic. She won't be entirely to blame and perhaps he was easy to manipulate?

Most important will be photographs and sentimental things not necessarily of value so focus on asking her for those, along with what you are entitled to within the rules of intestate deaths.

If she 'profits' more than she should you'll either have to seek professional help to address that, or let it go. Personally, I'd probably opt for the latter so that I could remove her from my life permanently.

belfastgirl23

I am very sorry for your loss.

I’d just say it’s worth acknowledging that you most likely aren’t thinking rationally and neither is your stepmother. Would you consider getting support from a counsellor to help you think through this? Don’t forget that anger and guilt come along with grief and that you are probably feeling both of those things. In the end if you’re honest with yourself, you must have foreseen your father’s death? I say this as the child of an alcoholic myself, it has always been clear to me what my parents death would most likely be from. I’m presuming you tried to prevent it at different times and failed, so why would your stepmother be any different? It is not your fault or her fault. In it he end he was a grown man and made his own decisions, why was it up to his wife to make doctors aware of his medical condition? Are you sure you aren’t avoiding being angry with your dad by displacing it onto his wife? The fact that he failed to make a will isn’t her fault either.

Could you offer to take some of the administrative burden from her in terms of organising probate etc? Or suggest putting it in the hands of a solicitor if you want a bit of distance?

Mrstephen

I agree with most things people say on this thread. I also see how I’m blinded by my disliking for her. Hence wanting outside opinion. I’m still stuck on the part where she didn’t mention the internal bleeding. Yet was concerned enough to mention as soon as my brother arrived.
When a person is dying from liver failure. Their body is so toxic, it’s t like trying to communicate with somebody so out of their mind on substances. Be it paralytic drunk or extreme drug abuse.
If you loved a person, you would tell a Dr immediately. Surely!
If she loved him, why, even after marriage, would she live in her own flat?
When she would stay at my Dad’s house she would sleep in her own bed in her own separate bedroom. She would get home from work a little after 6pm and would go to bed at 7. Is that normal for a newly married couple? The pair of them would joke about it.
I am angry at my dad if I’m honest. I often wonder if he had deliberately pushed himself to death and maybe he had asked her to let him go. That’s the only thing that makes sense.
But seeing sense right now is hard. I’m not usually irrational. Admitting I’m wrong about all this is also hard, because I’ll be admitting that I didn’t show compassion to a woman who lost her husband. Which makes me all types of bad!
There’s been a lot of good perspectives from other people. I feel that most of you have been very diplomatic towards me considering my assumptions. Thank you for showing me alternatives to my irrational. It really has helped talking to strangers. I think I need to let this go now.

Thanks

Steve

74jax

I'm 3 years on from my dad's death, I can't let it go.... It takes time.

One of dad's (many) cancers was liver cancer - so I know a little about what you talk of your dads liver failure, I would visit and dad would say he looked like 'a Simpson'. I would ask how long he had been like that. Mother would say usually 2-3 days but he didn't want the doctor. He didn't want 'fuss'. I always called the doctor. Mum went by what dad wanted. Neither is right. Neither is wrong. In fact trying to do right can cause more grief. What haunts me most? Dad wanted to die at home, no help, to remain in his family home. I, not mother, not my brother, was the one who took the decision to put him in an end of life ward. He soiled the bed, couldn't eat, had no dignity, but I took that very last choice away from him. Because I thought I was doing right. Maybe your step mum and him talked and she was doing what he wanted.

The thing is you will never know. You just have to learn how to live without your dad anymore.

sheramber

My Dad had been in hospital for around 9 days. My brother had visited him and his wife said “I’m glad your here” and she explained how every time my dad went a number two, that he was passing blood. My dad went on to mention that he had passed blood around 7 times that day and around 10 times the previous day. He then vomited blood twice and was induced into a coma and died the next day. She failed again to tell the Dr of my dads condition, that had been worsening for 2 days.

As it happened in the hospital it is most unlikely that the nurses didn't know about the blood