I’m struggling to forgive my husband for putting us in financial difficulty

TBagpuss

OP, it sounds as though you are both under a lot of stress, and have the added issues of your respective histories - coming from an abusive family he won't have had any experience to draw on about being a good dad - he is probably scared, and it may well have triggered a lot of memories. Hopefully those are things he will be able to work on with his therapist, from your perspective it may be worth trying to gently encourage him to spend more time with your daughter, and make sure that you, and your paretns, are supportive of him when he does. Trynot to ctiticise him or tell him how to do stuff for her, let him form his own bond.

In relation to the finances, you talk about him being irresponsible and you finding it hard to forgive him, but this is not all down to him. You both made the joint decision to move into rented accommodation and to rent a place which meant you were using savings, rather than income, to pay the rent and outgoings. That isn't his fault, it was a joint decision. I think that perhaps it would be helpful if you were able to acknowledge and accept, both to yourself and to him, that you as a couple made some poor financial choices.

His personal spending is a slightly separate issue (and again, may well be linked to his childhood - being able to have stuff may be very closely linked, for him, to self-worth. Don't assume it's just irresponsibility)

I would suggest that the two of you sit down and try to plan a budget. Include in it some money for each of you to spend on whatever you want. Consider having separate bank accounts - yours, his, and the joint one. You can have his wages, and the child benefit, going into the joint account, and the bills etc coming from that. Pay a fixed amount from it to each of your separate accounts, and that's your 'fun money' to do whatever you want with.

Take into account any current debt and include a set amount each month to pay that down, and when it is clear, transfer that amount to savings every month.

You can't impose a budget on him, you and he need to discuss and agree on this.

In relation to your housing situation - what does it cost to rent in your area? Was £1200 a month a low, high or average rent for the area (i.e. was the problem that you rented somewhere which was out of your price-range, or was it that you can't realistically, afford to rent at all at the moment?

Do your parents both work full time? If not, would they be willing to help out with child care so that you could work at least part time, so your husband feels that everything isn't on his shoulders? Being the sole breadwinner can be hugely stressful. Or if your parents can't help in that way,could you work part time and make use of a nursery? Would you be eligible for any help with nursery costs.


Are your parents willing to babysit so that you and he can have some time together without the baby? Even if this is just to go out to the park on Saturdays, or for them to take her out so you and he can have some time together at home.

You and he might find it helpful to look at some joint counselling, as well as him getting help himself, so that you can improve your communication with each other and make sure that both of your needs in the relationship are being met.

surveyqueenuk

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

he knows he’s completely broken my heart with his decisions.

Broken your heart? Really?

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

Lately, he’s really been fantastic in terms of going out of his way so that I get time to myself and he really enjoys coming to baby groups with me when he can and he comes to every health visitor appointment etc.

This is a damn sight more than a lot of women get from their husbands. You're very fortunate.

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

I’ve had a few part time jobs previously but don’t have any savings to my name and the financial burden has always fallen on my husband but something we have always known.

So basically, you've contributed nothing, financially, to the relationship. Have you ever considered that the burden of an extra person to support may be the straw that's broken the camel's back?

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

It’s hard when I love this man and have given him every part of me and every bit of love I could possibly give and I just feel so hurt.

Yet he's given you all this, plus he's clearly been supporting you financially from day one.

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

all these feelings of anger towards him, resentment etc are just driving me up the wall!

How do you think the burden of having two people to feed, house and clothe makes him feel? Perhaps he feels angry and resentful too?

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

His bosses aren’t overly brilliant and don’t have a lot of sympathy to the fact he’s got a little baby at home etc and often phone on days off and ask him to come in and sort finances out or check up on staff etc.

Why should they have any sympathy? Having children is a choice (presuming you are not in Ireland, of course) and presumably the things that are being asked of him are managerial duties. These duties need doing and I know that if I was asked to carry out someone else's jobs because "they can't because they have a baby" then I'd be kicking up a right stink.

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

Can anyone offer support or words of encouragement?

SAHM is a luxury, not an entitlement. You need to find a way to relieve the burden on your husband by bringing in some money yourself. Start looking at your husband as an equal, a person in his own right and not just a walking wallet.

[Deleted User]

My over riding thought is why bring a child into the world with two mentally struggling parents, OP doesn't seem to have contributed anything to the family finances and not only was her OH providing the only income he presumably had the worry of a wife / partner sectioned etc.


A lot of men would have run for the hills so don't berate him for struggling now.

thorsoak

Frankly, I think that it is your husband who is struggling - coping with a new job with more responsibilities, with a wife whose mental health is too fragile to get a job, a new baby - and living with in-laws. Are you really surprised about this?

Are you sure that your marriage will survive? You seem to be happy to live with your parents and your baby and let your parents pay your debts off I use "your" asthe debts are part of the marriage).

sheramber

It is quite common for the husband to find it difficult after a new baby arrives. Suddenly his wife's attention is take n up by this small being. I expect having doting grandparents on the scene doesn't help.

He doesn't have his own space to be a dad and probably feels an outsider.

What does he have control of expect spending money?

You can have an online live chat with Relate which is free.

You need to find a way to work through this together , not you against him.

Work out a budget together to cover your expenses and pay back your debt. No doubt you did not realise how much living on your own would cost after living with your parents. Now is the time to sit down together and make up a spread sheet showing your income and your potential costs and work from there.

it will take commitment form you both but you must share this the burden, not leave it all to him.

ThumbRemote

Is there a reason why you've left him to be the sole earner for so long?

HampshireH

From a complete outsiders point of view the OP does come across quite selfish & with disregard to how much is done for them

OP what reason do you have for not ever been in full time or even stable PT employment? You don't explain this so people can only assume/judge.

It sounds lime you know you can run back to mum & dad at any given moment.

It also sounds like thats a threat your husband has hanging over him.

Are your parents heavily involved as your OP seems to imply? Are they allowing you BOTH to be parents? Or does your husband feel they judge his parenting.

Your husband is doing everything for you. You are a lucky lady. But it sounds like if you did split up you would revert to the same position but with your parents playing that role instead.

This is not to sound harsh but it is based on the information you have given and the manner in which it has been provided.

Savvy_Sue

JessicaJaneIsabelle wrote: »

His bosses aren’t overly brilliant and don’t have a lot of sympathy to the fact he’s got a little baby at home etc and often phone on days off and ask him to come in and sort finances out or check up on staff etc.

If these things are part of his managerial responsibilities, then that's not unreasonable. The fact that he has a baby is not their problem, any more than it will be your employer's problem that you have a baby if you find a job.

However, if they ARE being unreasonable - perhaps by asking him to come in when it's really not necessary - then he should look at ways in which he might be able to reduce this. For example, it should be possible to 'sort out finances' during his working hours. I don't know what this involves for him, but we have processes at work - if you want a bill paid, you get it to the finance tray by Monday morning as we pay bills weekly on Monday afternoons; if you want petty cash you ask for it when particular colleagues are in - which mean people have to plan ahead, but also means we're not having to drop everything five times a day to deal with finance queries.

And he could give some thought to how the 'checking up on staff' is better managed. Again, I don't know what's involved, but how is this done when he's away from home? Or if he was sick? Also there can be advantages to your phone being switched off or not working or just not within earshot.

For the debt, there's a very useful page on the main site here. Towards the bottom there's a list of agencies you could approach to work out a plan TOGETHER.

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I get the feeling that we won't hear back from the OP.

NBLondon

ThumbRemote wrote: »

Is there a reason why you've left him to be the sole earner for so long?

I think it was already established as mental health issues on the OP's part.

The question I see (albeit with 20-20 hindsight) is why did they have a child when still living with parents? Accidents happen but the OP states it was planned. Moving out was clearly a mistake as you couldn't really afford it at that point (or was that reliant on the job change?) but I can fully understand the husband's aim to provide a home for his forthcoming child. The order should perhaps have been save up for deposit then get a place you can run on one income then try for a child.

Maybe the husband's upbringing drove him to try and over-provide and the OP's meant she couldn't push back strongly enough to say "No - we don't need a new whatever, get a second-hand one".